Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Uncashable Checks

Hi, dudes! Sorry I haven't posted in so long (Umm, over a year? Oops!). I've been super busy making a baby and then keeping said baby alive and not crying. Also, I personally find it really hard to think of blog posts when all I've done all day is stare at the kid. But, you guys, I've had something on my mind for a while now and I need to discuss it with y'alls. You see, I've been listening to a lot of R&B for the last few months. This is related to motherhood in the sense that I no longer get paid for my work and that makes it difficult to listen to rap music, as rappers talk about getting money A LOT. Some of them actually never talk about anything else (I'm looking at you, Baby the Birdman). R&B artists address cashflow issues significantly less, but they use the same producers so there are a lot of sonic similarities. I should be happy. But as I listen to these songs, something keeps bugging me oh so much, which is that these R&B peeps are always making INSANE sexual promises that no one could ever, ever keep. Let's take a closer look:

1. Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke (son of Alan Thicke) actually isn't too overpromisey. I mean, he totally is for a normal human being, but in the world of R&B his hyperbole is pretty average.



Now, in case you didn't catch all the lyrics, Rob here just promised to solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS with his penis. We will accept that as our median for the purposes of this post, and that level of overpromising pales in comparison to our next offender. That's right, dudes, I'm talking about the King of Sexual Overpromise,

2. R. Kelly
Hoo, boy. You're gonna want to hold onto your hat for this one.



To recap: Kells is proposing an entire 24 hours of sex. There will be a round TEN, after which he will get a second wind, resulting in more sex, which is going to make you yodel. Not, as I would think, give you all kindsa chafe, but yodel. Oh, and he probably got you fired.

But that's not unusual for R. Kelly, a man who has sung of sex that takes place in outer space, for Pete's sake. I know better than to take him even remotely seriously. The thing that makes this so bothersome to me, so egregious, is that what we know of R. Kelly's actual sex life tells us that not only is he NOT going to make you yodel, but he's probably going to put on a Zorro mask and pee on you. It's like if I told you to come over to my house to watch the secret 6th season of The Wire and eat free pizza FROM THE FUTURE, and then when you got there, I put on a Zorro mask and peed on you.

3. Ciara



CIARA IS GOING TO DAGGER YOU.

4. The-Dream



Now that is more like it! For those of you not familiar with the vernacular, to "put it down" is to do a pretty good job. Way to keep expectations somewhere reasonable, The-Dream! The craziest promise here is that he'll make you sleepy. Sounds great! I hereby name you my boyfriend for the duration of this blog post!*

Well, that was fun! I'll try to be here more often, but no promises. I seriously don't understand how those Mommy Blogger people do it.


*Actually, who am I kidding, I totally pick Robin Thicke. I have an inexplicable weakness for white dudes with gross facial hair. See also KFed and my husband when we first met.

36 comments:

Lauren Guy said...

Not only am I thrilled that you're back, Who Did What to Who, but I absolutely love that you tagged your post as "awesome." I couldn't agree more.

Garrett said...

But if you take the lyrics to "Put It Down" at face value, he's promising sex so good and/or lengthy it'll send you to a burn ward.

I spent five minutes weighing that Wire scenario. Pros: No serial killer plot, no one-dimensional villains at the Baltimore Sun, pizza from the future. Cons: No Lester or McNulty, pee.

Can you guarantee that the pee and the pizza stay separate? I think that's the only way I can decide.

Chelsea said...

I think we can safely say that Freamon and McNulty are for sure in the secret 6th season. Like when Herc left the force; he was still around. But in the pee scenario, you don't get any pizza, period. just pee. It's awful.

Anonymous said...

Use a book as a bee does flowers. ............................................................

SeymourZ_R翊芷 said...

不錯唷~我會常常來 >"<..................................................

sdas said...

you look nice in that color!............................................................

RoseH_Huls21365 said...

Necessity is the mother of invention...................................................................

Anonymous said...

很喜歡你的部落格 留言支持你 祝你人氣長紅~~~......................................................................

Anonymous said...

Poverty tries friends..................................................................                           

Anonymous said...

一定要保持最佳狀況呦,加油!!!期待你發表的新文章!.................................................................

Anonymous said...

欣賞是一種美德~回應是最大的支持^^....................................................................

Salah said...

This is like how if Jadakiss actually killed all the people he talks about killing in his songs, he's be Hitler.

I once attempted to make a unified list of every ridiculous thing said on Jodeci's masterpiece "The Show, The Afterparty, The Hotel" (aka the Sgt. Pepper's of R&B*), but as with all things Jodeci, all roads lead to madness. I mean, they wrote a love song about smoking crack! Who does that?

Also: That Ciara video makes me feel like a monkey. Whenever I watch I get the urge to masturbate and/or fling poo at the screen.

*Except the Beatles never sexually assaulted anybody at gunpoint...that we know of)

Anonymous said...

It takes all kinds to make a world.............................................................

Anonymous said...

It takes all kinds to make a world.............................................................

Anonymous said...

Share and share alike.............................................................

Anonymous said...

A contented mind is a perpetual feast...................................................................

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

所有的資產,在不被諒解時,都成了負債.................................................................

Anonymous said...

大肚能容,了卻人間多少事,滿腔歡喜,笑開天下古今愁。..................................................

Anonymous said...

Make yourself necessary to someone..................................................................

Anonymous said...

不錯的資訊~我會好好記下來!......................................................

蕭劉明倫松恬 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。..................................................

Anonymous said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

珍盈洪 said...

人因夢想而偉大,要堅持自己的理想哦!............................................................

文王廷 said...

愛情不是慈善事業,不能隨便施捨。.................................................................

Anonymous said...

人生像一杯茶,若一飲而盡,會提早見到杯底..................................................

Anonymous said...

人有兩眼一舌,是為了觀察倍於說話的緣故。............................................................

孟湖聿軒 said...

如果你批評他人。你就沒有時間付出愛......................................................................

Anonymous said...

愛情是一種發明,需要不斷改良。只是,這種發明和其他發明不一樣,它沒有專利權,隨時會被人搶走。.................................................................

Anonymous said...

生存乃是不斷地在內心與靈魂交戰;寫作是坐著審判自己。..................................................

dissertation order said...

Nice post! Where do you get all those ideas to create such interesting and intriguing posts?))

juliangreenfield said...

R&B is my fav. Thanks for adding these videos. Found some new songs for my playlist. 

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Pat Robinson said...

We all are indeed very happy to see you back. Furthermore, we loved your recent posts as well. Good job!

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margaretbechly said...

In R&B, no one can beat Robin Thicke’s sounds. He is in a league of his own.

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