Uncashable Checks

Hi, dudes! Sorry I haven't posted in so long (Umm, over a year? Oops!). I've been super busy making a baby and then keeping said baby alive and not crying. Also, I personally find it really hard to think of blog posts when all I've done all day is stare at the kid. But, you guys, I've had something on my mind for a while now and I need to discuss it with y'alls. You see, I've been listening to a lot of R&B for the last few months. This is related to motherhood in the sense that I no longer get paid for my work and that makes it difficult to listen to rap music, as rappers talk about getting money A LOT. Some of them actually never talk about anything else (I'm looking at you, Baby the Birdman). R&B artists address cashflow issues significantly less, but they use the same producers so there are a lot of sonic similarities. I should be happy. But as I listen to these songs, something keeps bugging me oh so much, which is that these R&B peeps are always making INSANE sexual promises that no one could ever, ever keep. Let's take a closer look:

1. Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke (son of Alan Thicke) actually isn't too overpromisey. I mean, he totally is for a normal human being, but in the world of R&B his hyperbole is pretty average.



Now, in case you didn't catch all the lyrics, Rob here just promised to solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS with his penis. We will accept that as our median for the purposes of this post, and that level of overpromising pales in comparison to our next offender. That's right, dudes, I'm talking about the King of Sexual Overpromise,

2. R. Kelly
Hoo, boy. You're gonna want to hold onto your hat for this one.



To recap: Kells is proposing an entire 24 hours of sex. There will be a round TEN, after which he will get a second wind, resulting in more sex, which is going to make you yodel. Not, as I would think, give you all kindsa chafe, but yodel. Oh, and he probably got you fired.

But that's not unusual for R. Kelly, a man who has sung of sex that takes place in outer space, for Pete's sake. I know better than to take him even remotely seriously. The thing that makes this so bothersome to me, so egregious, is that what we know of R. Kelly's actual sex life tells us that not only is he NOT going to make you yodel, but he's probably going to put on a Zorro mask and pee on you. It's like if I told you to come over to my house to watch the secret 6th season of The Wire and eat free pizza FROM THE FUTURE, and then when you got there, I put on a Zorro mask and peed on you.

3. Ciara



CIARA IS GOING TO DAGGER YOU.

4. The-Dream



Now that is more like it! For those of you not familiar with the vernacular, to "put it down" is to do a pretty good job. Way to keep expectations somewhere reasonable, The-Dream! The craziest promise here is that he'll make you sleepy. Sounds great! I hereby name you my boyfriend for the duration of this blog post!*

Well, that was fun! I'll try to be here more often, but no promises. I seriously don't understand how those Mommy Blogger people do it.


*Actually, who am I kidding, I totally pick Robin Thicke. I have an inexplicable weakness for white dudes with gross facial hair. See also KFed and my husband when we first met.

But Wait!! There's More!!

This morning I was chatting with Keehnan when the topic of infomercials came up. This, of course, led to a discussion of the beef between Billy Mays and Vince Offer (or, as I prefer to call him, That Young Upstart Tryna Usurp the Throne). Where do you stand on this very important issue?




Keehny is pro-Vince Offer. When I asked him to defend this stance, he cited Vince's delightful ridiculousness (exemplified by this statement- "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life!"), That he does his own commercials in Spanish (but clearly does not speak Spanish), and that he, unlike Billy Mays, does not yell.

I, on the other hand, am the fucking Captain of Team Billy Mays. First off, I am a creature of habit, y'all. I'm comfortable with Billy Mays. I know Billy Mays. Who the fuck is Vince Offer? What, he thinks he can just show up out of nowhere and sell me a highly absorbent towel, just like that? My head isn't turned that easily, I'm afraid. Also, he sounds like he's from New Jersey, which is probably the fastest way to get me to not trust you.

Billy Mays is great! He gets me all fired up! People complain about his constant yelling, calling it "abrasive" and "super fucking annoying", but I love it. I listen to a lot of mainstream rap music, you guys. I get uncomfortable if someone isn't yelling at me about their product preferences.

Jim Jones & ByrdGang - Splash
Uploaded by jeewhite94

Also I am excited about this.

I was listening to Rick James this morning, and I couldn't stop wondering why he was never as big as Prince. I think I have an Idea:

Sex sells, and they were both pretty sexual dudes, both in content and packaging, right? But while Prince's lyrics were far, far filthier (compare Superfreak to Erotic City), he had a leg up on Rick as far as accessibility goes, and there was nothing to be done about it. Why, you ask?

Because Rick James was a big, man-ass dude:



who looks like he may actually do something real crazy to you, whereas Prince is an elf:




And if I've learned anything since Peter Jackson's Lord Of the Rings trilogy came out, it's that bitches love elves.



Also, this.

Then He Should Have Armed Himself

I just watched The Strangers and I have a theory. People talk about how black folks yell at the screen during horror movies. I think I might know why: When one lives in a crap neighborhood, and has to get used to the idea that someone may attack you for one reason or another at any given time, one starts figuring out ways to deal with this and behaves accordingly. So then, when that person is watching a movie where the main characters keep doing everything the opposite way one should in order to stay alive, it gets frustrating. Thus the yelling.

Because horror movie protagonists are usually middle class whites who do not live under constant threat, it would seem that they have not developed these skills. I would like to offer them some tips.
For example:
1. If you think someone is even possibly trying to kill you, DO NOT put down your weapon. EVER.
2. The person who is trying to kill you might not come from the direction you are facing. So LOOK IN OTHER DIRECTIONS. If it is dark out and I am walking even just from the end of the block to my apartment building, I do a quick spin to see what is going on IN ALL DIRECTIONS at least every five seconds. I probably look crazy, but I am crazy and alive, so fuck it.
3. If you have the option of not being alone, DO NOT BE ALONE. In other words, don't split up. You will die, I promise.
4. If you find a gun, start shooting. Don't wait for something crazy to happen, just start shooting. Jesus.

Okay. I feel better now. That movie really tried my patience.



UR DOING IT WRONG

Cornel West, Style Icon

Cornel West, philosopher, scholar, pastor, all-around really busy person, has something to teach you that has nothing to do with race, religion or politics. Observe:

Here he is being adorable before dinner



With some lovely peeps at some sort of mixer:







Gesticulating.




Thinking...



Thinking really hard...



Y'know what he's not thinking about? What to wear. Because he wears the exact same thing every day. If it's cold, he wears a scarf.



If it's warm, he takes it off.



Especially if he is spitting hot fire. (Perhaps for this? Trust me, buddy, you really wanna check out that link.)

This has inspired me! I'm saying, fuck a wardrobe. I want a uniform. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get dressed every day? Sometimes it takes, like, 45 minutes! It is fucked up. Too much of my mental real estate is taken up by this daily struggle.

So. With some help from Polyvore, I have created a mock-up of my new uniform.


uniform by roxy5moxy

I will be wearing this (or at least something that closely resembles this outfit) from here on out, or until I get bored. I'm wearing it right now! We'll see if I get me any smarter as a result.

Magic Potion

Season changes are the worst, man. Yeah, there's the whole promise-of-a-new-day, Paula Abdul-y thing. And, sure, the leaves are all beautiful and shit. But it is really hard to enjoy all of that when I feel like a turd on a cracker.

(I considered including an image of fake poop here, but that would be super gross and I like you too much to put you through that. So, you're welcome, I guess.)

I felt bad, dudes. Just sluggish and forgetful and gross. Plus, I had developed one giant zit right on top of my cheekbone. I normally have devastatingly clear skin, so this was quite a blow to my self-image. I felt like I had been eating pizza every day for weeks without the actual fun of eating pizza. God, I love pizza.



And then I remembered that I had decided to attempt some health-nutting. This created an awesome convergence of motivators (vanity, internet promises, distaste for physical exertion) that happened to coincide with a paycheck, leading me to this solution.



This shit got me high, y'all. I knew anti-oxidants were good for you, but I had no idea they would make me feel like I just got back from a yoga retreat where I won a Nobel Prize and married Rahm Emanuel. I felt so good it was weirding people out. Sometimes you really can buy your way out of a problem!



True dat!

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.



That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.





See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.



That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.



2. Muppets



This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine


I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.


5. 15 minutes



That is all.

Brain Candy! A Semi-Liveblog

Have we ever talked about my fear of transportation? Basically, any mode of transport that is not the feet I came from the womb in possession of makes me nervous. That nervousness increases exponentionally in relation to the speed at which that mode of transportation travels. like this:

Feet---->skateboard--->Bus--->car--->train--->airplane

Feet being totally fine, airplanes being screaming hysterical abject terror.



I am flying to New York City tomorrow, so like any responsible American who is lucky enough to have health insurance, I schlepped my ass to the doctor and asked for some anti-anxiety meds. She obliged. I took one 20 minutes ago as a test run. Let's see what happens!

1:10- I feel pretty good. I don't like to think about my actual, physical brain too much, but I think it feels slightly different. But nothing is stressing me out. I should do something about that, in order to truly test my response to the drugs.

1:14- I just turned the TV on in an attempt to let Fox News have its way with me, but that particular channel is not coming in today. Turned it to Headline News. They were talking about Dems possibly booting Lieberman, and instead of the wave of glee I was expecting, I just felt okay with it.

1:16- Oooooh, Palin's on CNN!! this oughta do it!!

1:17- All I feel is confusion as to why people are still asking this woman questions.

1:20- Seriously. Why? I'm gonna go google image search something

results for "funnest thing ever"



Jared Padalecki?!?! I could not possibly disagree more. Jess Mariano FTW



That thing looks pretty fun, kid, but I've got two words for you: Parachute Day.

results from "what should I have for lunch?"



Dude, it's not that hard.



I would very much like to.

1:30- I feel nothing inside. Mission accomplished!!

I'll add more today as the need strikes me.

2:51- Landon just told me I looked dull eyed. I want a pizza.

3:32- How do medicated people get anything done? I just moved the cursor around and stared at it like I wasn't the one controlling it for a full three minutes.

Unexpected Bonus to Obama Presidency:

Sexy, sexy Congressman Rahm Emanuel as Chief Of Staff? Does this mean he'll be on Meet The Press a lot? Because that is exactly the change I need. Way to hold my interest, Barry.



I can't handle it.

Right Now

I am listening to Tha Carter III.

Fucking finally.

Eat It Up With A Spoon

So, I have this tendency to ignore my stomach. I'll know I'm hungry for, like, an hour and won't do anything about it. Not out of some weird self-denial eating-disordery thing, but sheer laziness (I'm actually doing it right now). Then, by the time I decide to fix something to eat I am a whiny, stupid mess, due to my blood sugar being abysmally low. Landon can tell you about it. It's super-annoying, and probably one of my worst traits.

In order to counteract this, I try to have some food I've already prepared waiting for me in the fridge. That way, when I am starving but totally unable to cook because my brain is shutting down, I can just grab some delicious little whatever, and go back to being a semi-functional adult. And today, I'm gonna share the recipe for one of my delicious little whatevers!! Let's call it, umm,

Chelsea's Awesome Tuna Salad!!

Okay! You will need:

3 normal-sized cans of tuna, or 1 really big one
1 can x-large black olives
capers
green beans or asparagus
black beans (cooked)
dijon mustard
apple cider vinegar
olive oil
couscous or potatoes. or neither. it's your call. (Whoa, I just realized why I never write down recipes. Let's just call this an outline, then.)

So. Take a sealable container that will fit all this stuff (I like Pyrex) and dump your tuna, which you have already drained well, into the container. Add some dijon mustard, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I don't know how much I use, because I never measure. Maybe don't use too much mustard because it makes your nose feel crazy, yadaddamean? Oh!! Also, I like to use basil-infused olive oil for extra yumminess.


Mix all that stuff up and then start adding in the olives. I like to get the whole ones and break them up with my fingers. This is partly because I like to pop about every fourth olive into my mouth, but also I like to be really excessively intimate with my food. I've had a couple buddies observe that when I'm eating I stare my food down in a somewhat sexual way. I have also been told that I fondle my sandwiches. My hope is that my behavior is more charming than disgusting, but really there's nothing I can do about it, so fuck it.

Now you're gonna add the capers and black beans. You'll probably wanna use canned black beans, in which case just use half the can. As for the capers, it really depends on how much you like capers.


The green beans!! I have weird food allergies (no raw anything ever) so I use frozen green beans that I cook and cool before adding, but I bet raw or lightly steamed green beans would be delicious. Also, maybe some tasty little cherry tomatoes. Sometimes instead of the green beans I use asparagus, which is totally in season right now. Maybe throw in some parboiled potatoes, depending on your current relationship with carbohydrates. I bet broccoli would be good in this, too. God, I love vegetables.



Okay! So! Everything's mixed up all cozy, and all you need to do now is salt and pepper it. I like to serve it over couscous, because that shit cooks in two minutes, and sometimes I need a break from whole wheat pasta, which I eat every single day. If you make this let me know how it goes.

I have to go eat right now, I am freaking out.

A Delectable Dilemma

Okay, dudes, I am going to tell you something and I need you to reserve judgment for a minute. There is something I have not been able to get out of my head this week, and it might be a really terrible idea. It also might be the best idea I have ever had. Are you ready?

Potato chip nachos.

Bear (bare?) with me here. I'm not talking about some 7-11 nacho cheese bullshit. At least I don't think I am. I haven't worked out the details. But CheeseFest is this weekend, so maybe I'll find the appropriate cheese there. What worries me is that if I attempt this and it is gross, I will have wasted both potato chips and cheese, which is sad, sad, sad.

But!! What if it is totally awesome!! What if the powers of potato and cheese combine in a glorious alchemy to form the most retardedly delicious thing that has ever happened to me!!!!

I have a feeling that what would actually happen would be a near-perfect expression of one of my favorite words: Grawesome®.

Grawesome, as you may have guessed, is the delightful intersection of gross and awesome.

Some examples:



I love these fucking things. I only eat them about once a year, which is just enough time to forget how awful they make me feel.



I used to live on this shit.

Are you getting my point, here? Further, grawesome doesn't only apply to food.

I'm pretty sure Caralee is the only one who will back me up on this, but KFed is a stone grawesome fox. *



Popozao!

So, help me out, dudes. What cheese would work in the context of potato chip nachos? Or, should I just forget the whole idea? I'm so curious!!


*I just realized that Britney Spears' entire life is basically composed of grawesome. Whoa.

All One!!

I am highly suspicious of the beauty industry. Let's take mascara, for instance. Do they really expect me to believe that mascara scientists have made a revolutionary discovery every three months, for the last, like forever? One month it's a polyamide (or what the fuck ever) in the formula, then it's all about some curling agent bullshit, and then they're literally trying to sell me on a magic wand. It's exhausting, and extends across the industry. Will someone please tell me what the fuck a "body ribbon" is supposed to be? I have an entire cabinet in my bathroom full of half used products, mostly body washes and lotions, bearing various promises of silky skin and whatnot.

Problematically, I am also very, very gullible. Add my natural curiosity to this mix and we have an explanation for the probable hundreds of dollars I have spent on faddish beauty products over the years. Maybe even thousands. Ugh. I'm kind of bumming myself out.

But I'm working it out, you guys!! And I have a plan! I am currently experimenting with Dr Bronner's Magic Soap.



According to the Doc, his soap can be used for the whole body, including hair and teeth. I'm leaving my teeth out of this, because I really love my toothpaste, but I'm gonna use it on everything else and see what happens! While I've been using it on my body for months, yesterday I used it as my shampoo and face wash as well, and I gotta say, dudes, I look pretty good. Also, it was the easiest shower ever. I only had one bottle to focus on. And focus I did!! Have you ever read the shit written on the Dr. Bronner's label? I love it!! My favorite parts:

"Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water and soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!"

"ENJOY BODY RUB TO STIMULATE BODY MIND-SOUL-SPIRIT AND TEACH THE ESSENE MORAL ABC UNITING ALL FREE IN THE SHEPHERD-ASTRONOMER ISRAEL'S GREATEST ALL-ONE-GOD-FAITH!"

Sure! Why not?

I made a diagram of why I like this soap.



On a similar note, I am currently fascinated with the concept of one product for all my moisturizing needs. Kiehl's recently came out with this little wonder:



I tried it out on my hands and it was awesome. Also, it has a delightful citrusy smell that I would not mind having all over my body. Very springtime appropriate. When wearing a sundress, one should also smell like a lemon. Fact.

However, I am understandably sketched out by the price, and I'm not entirely sure that I believe in "dry oil." So. I'm gonna go take a shower with Dr Bronner's soap, and then I'm gonna just use almond oil on my body and face and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Big things happening here at Who Did What To Who HQ, by which I mean my apartment. I am in the middle of a massive Spring cleaning/redecorating (although, I am starting to question whether this can really be called Spring, calendars be damned. It fucking snowed last night!! What type of shit is that?!) and it is awesoooooome!! I am nesting like a motherfucker! I love it!

So far I have been focusing mainly on the kitchen. I cleaned out the cupboards, replaced the hideous Laura Ashley floral contact paper that has been driving me crazy for the last four years, removed some of the cupboard doors, and moved the fridge. I have a comically tiny galley kitchen, and moving the fridge opened it up a lot. Next up is the living room, which will mainly involve taming the media situation, and figuring out what to put on the walls, which I suck at.

The funnest thing about my current monomania is shopping on the webs for wonderful new things to bring into my freshly awesome-ified abode. Which brings me to the point: Lookit!



This lovely little dish is used for serving olive oil. As the ShopModi website describes, "when filled you see a series of concentric rings of greens in descending tones due to the depth of the oil in the dish." How rad is that?

And this fuckin' guy:



I love these hook boxes. They are incredibly practical, and so sleek. But they are almost impossible to acquire and are retardedly expensive. So much so that I refuse to type the exact price because it is so fucking stupid. I'm done talking about it. For now.



OH. MY. GOD. I love this lamp so much I just peed a little. And I will have it. Because it is only $68. Yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Ugh, I am having so much fun. Today I am going to Retrofit to see if they have any rad little trinkets that need to live at my house. Fuuuuuun!!!

The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program

I love food. I love thinking about food, I love talking about food. I love eating food, but only slightly more than I love preparing food. I fucking love food. Strange then, that it has only recently occurred to me to try reading about food.

When I got Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential from the library a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any ideas in mind other than reading it, but things took on a life of their own pretty quickly once I remembered that he'd also done a celebrity playlist for Rhapsody, and that it was really good. So I decided that I would listen to this playlist while reading the book. It's not often that books come with their own soundtrack, right? Then I remembered that there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox a couple years back, based on Kitchen Confidential. And hey, what about No Reservations, Bourdain's Eat-My-Way-Around-The-World show?

Thus, The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program was born.



Dudes, I have been having so much fun. And it's not like I've learned a whole lot of new stuff. Mostly homie has just reminded me to take a few key things seriously.

1. Ingredients
Last Saturday I had one of the best meals of my life, no joke. I sauteed an onion and a few cloves of garlic, threw in some fresh sage, poured white wine over it and after it had reduced to my satisfaction, sopped it up with Pain Campagne from Dahlia Bakery. Crazy simple, but it was completely amazing because every ingredient was quality.

2. Knives
I use one knife for everything, so why not take care of it? I've decided to start sharpening my knife regularly. My buddy Cody works at a knife store in the Market, it's just a matter of getting myself down there for a tutorial. Plus, it looks really fun.

3. The Stooges
Here's that playlist I was talking about.
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Mix
No revelations, but it reminded me that everything is awesome when you are listening to The Stooges. The other day me and Landon were doing the most mundane shit possible (mending pants and filing taxes, respectively) but it felt totally fucking rad, because we were listening to Fun House.

4. Calling Bullshit on Rachael Ray
This was Bourdain's response when asked why he picks on Rachael Ray:
"Well, she can take it. She’s incredibly powerful, very successful, far more loved than I am… so it’s not like I’m hurting her. And on the other hand, she genuinely offends me. I compare her to, the standard I hold her to — foolishly, perhaps– is Julia Child, who wasn’t a professional chef either. When you watched Julia Child, you would see her make Coq au Vin, or some classic French dish, and you’d say “Wow, that’s classic French food, that’s not so difficult. Julia can do it, I can do it. I’m gonna try that.” And it made people aspire to more.

I think when Rachael tells you that it’s perfectly OK to buy a pre-chopped onion from the supermarket… I mean how hard is it to chop an onion? What you take away from Rachael Ray is “I could cook that! I feel better about myself now. I’m not gonna cook that! But I will finish this bag of Cheetos and that gallon jug of Diet Pepsi before dying of diabetes.”

And just to illustrate his point, this video includes a tutorial on how to properly dice an onion:

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 3

I am having a really hard time pulling it together today, dudes. I've had a shit ton of coffee. I keep making all these typos because my fingers keep tripping over themselves, like a kitten that is still learning how to run. No segues are springing to mind, so, umm, here we go!


1. Flight of the Conchords



This was another Mindy Kaling recommend (She is never, ever wrong, guys. Seriously.). I don't have cable, so I tend to be a little behind on a lot of great shows. I am so glad that I have caught up! I really enjoy Novelty Music, and so much the better when it is laid down by cute dudes with adorable accents. Rent it!!


2. All Purpose Pizza

This isn't so much something I am into right now, it's more something I am obsessed with all the time. All Purpose makes the best pizza I have ever had in my life. I know I am prone to hyperbole, but this shit is no joke. A couple weeks ago, I had a bite that was so perfect I very nearly cried. Over pizza. Here's the deal: the crust is sourdough, so it has this delicious tanginess to it. The sauce is made with reduced red wine, and I am drooling a little just thinking about it. My favorite topping of theirs is carmelized onions. The meatballs are great, too. And the website has really charming animation, though it is kind of a pain in the ass to navigate.


3. Slash



Slash is the coolest person who has ever lived, hands down. I am currently reading his autobiography, and it is awesome. Did you know that his mom had an affair with David Bowie? And that Slash was an insanely cute kid? Check this shit out:


Oh my god, right? When will they get cloning technology worked out so I can have a Baby Slash? I will pay top dollar.

3. Polyvore

I like to strategize my wardrobe several months in advance. Usually it's not too specific; a color scheme, or type of dress, or a concept, like, the Incognito Waitress. But that was before I found out about Polyvore. I'll let them explain it to you:
" Polyvore is a unique, easy-to-use web-based application for mixing and matching products from any online store. Items are pulled together into a visual set of products that can be shared with anyone. Each product within the set is then linked back to the online store where it is available for purchase."

The other day I decided I really want a pot leaf t-shirt, right? But I wasn't sure how I would wear it. "What goes with a pot leaf t-shirt?", I asked myself. So I went to Polyvore and worked it the fuck out!

Bam! Business taken care of!