Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Remember when I said I didn't want to smell like Erykah Badu? Well, apparently I spoke too soon.

I am in love with Tom Ford White Patchouli. Now, I already hear your questions, and I will address them immediately.

Q-Doesn't Tom Ford make perfume that smells like a man's nether-regions?
A- Tom Ford only makes one perfume that smells like balls and this is not it. So there. He also has a fragrance that supposedly smells like cocaine. Tom Ford is a weird dude. In order to find the link used above I had to google "tom ford balls." It turned up 535,000 hits.

Before I committed to buying this perfume, I was talking to Keehnan about my concerns. "Tom Ford is tricky," I said. "What if it secretly smells like vagina?"

"Don't worry," he replied. "Tom Ford does not know what a vagina smells like."

He's probably right.

Q- Patchouli??? Really??
A- I know. I know. But, you guys, it only smells a little like patchouli. It's not gross, I promise.

Q- So, what does it smell like, then?
A- When I was buying it, I got into a conversation with the perfume lady at Nordstrom about why most perfumes start out smelling great on me, but by the end of the day I smell super-sweet. Like a walking Pixi Stick. It's gross. The lady said it's just a matter of personal chemistry. So as much as I might love a scent it may simply be incompatible with my body, and there's nothing I can do about it. White Patchouli, on the other hand, gets more spicy and woodsy as it combines with my chemistry. I had a coworker sniff me about it yesterday and she said I smelled like a sexy man. She's right, but that assessment is incomplete. I don't just smell like any old Sexy Man. I smell like Don Draper.

And it is awesome.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.

That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.

See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.

That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.

2. Muppets

This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine

I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.

5. 15 minutes

That is all.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Brain Candy! A Semi-Liveblog

Have we ever talked about my fear of transportation? Basically, any mode of transport that is not the feet I came from the womb in possession of makes me nervous. That nervousness increases exponentionally in relation to the speed at which that mode of transportation travels. like this:


Feet being totally fine, airplanes being screaming hysterical abject terror.

I am flying to New York City tomorrow, so like any responsible American who is lucky enough to have health insurance, I schlepped my ass to the doctor and asked for some anti-anxiety meds. She obliged. I took one 20 minutes ago as a test run. Let's see what happens!

1:10- I feel pretty good. I don't like to think about my actual, physical brain too much, but I think it feels slightly different. But nothing is stressing me out. I should do something about that, in order to truly test my response to the drugs.

1:14- I just turned the TV on in an attempt to let Fox News have its way with me, but that particular channel is not coming in today. Turned it to Headline News. They were talking about Dems possibly booting Lieberman, and instead of the wave of glee I was expecting, I just felt okay with it.

1:16- Oooooh, Palin's on CNN!! this oughta do it!!

1:17- All I feel is confusion as to why people are still asking this woman questions.

1:20- Seriously. Why? I'm gonna go google image search something

results for "funnest thing ever"

Jared Padalecki?!?! I could not possibly disagree more. Jess Mariano FTW

That thing looks pretty fun, kid, but I've got two words for you: Parachute Day.

results from "what should I have for lunch?"

Dude, it's not that hard.

I would very much like to.

1:30- I feel nothing inside. Mission accomplished!!

I'll add more today as the need strikes me.

2:51- Landon just told me I looked dull eyed. I want a pizza.

3:32- How do medicated people get anything done? I just moved the cursor around and stared at it like I wasn't the one controlling it for a full three minutes.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

A Serious Query

Mayor C. Ray Nuggets and I have a question to ask you: Which is weirder, this video (embedding disabled, which is straight up cold blooded. But please bear with us and click through. We want this issue settled.) or this one?*

I really want you all to leave your opinion in the comments. (That includes you, Ms. Williams. I would like you to share with the class today.)

Also, we thought about including the following in the runnings towards becoming America's Next Top Super Weird Music Video, but decided it was in a solar system of its own.

* Remember when Busta Rhymes presented a VMA with Martha Stewart while wearing a crazy red Man-frock? I miss that dude. I feel like he was the Samson of weirdness and when he cut off his dreads his powers disappeared.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I Forgot!

Another pastime I am considering is learning how to dance like Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video. I figure it'll take me about three years.

I am most intrigued by what she does with her pelvis around the 52 second mark. What is that?!

Hey, Rahm, do you think it's a good idea?

I think so too. Do you wanna make out later?

I'll take that as a maybe.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Okay, dudes. The election is over and I don't know what to do. For the last few months I have immersed myself in political news for up to five hours a day, which was not the healthiest behavior, but God, was it fun. But it's over! Barack Obama is President-Elect of the Galaxy, Joey Buttons is busy getting his mane refurbished for Inauguration Day, Sarah Palin took her kooky ass back to the tundra, and Walnuts McCain was last seen yelling at kids to get off his lawn somewhere in Real America. Ugh, I miss the campaign already.

I need a hobby!! I've been working on a list of possible ways to spend my time. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Charcuterie

Have I ever told you how much I love cured meats? If it wasn't so expensive, I would snack on salami slices like chips. My Death Row meal would be prosciutto lasagna. One time I saw David Allen Grier on the Martha Stewart Show talking about how he made his own prosciutto. It was inspiring. I think it's time I got around to curin' some meats!!

Culinary Communion in Beacon Hill has a monthly 5-hour class that just might fit the bill. They have a bunch of other classes that sound great, like Handmade Pasta, Stocks and Sauces, and Truffles (oh my god yes).

2.Let's Learn Spanish!!

When I was eight, me and my mom lived in Mexico City for 6 months. I arrived fluent in swear words (thanks Grandma!), but unable to speak the language in any functional way. I left straight-up fluent, but I was so mad at Mexico that I refused to speak Spanish once we got back to the states, and I lost the language completely. I think it's time to forgive (I already forgot) and relearn the language of my people (on Mom's side). Or not. Now that I think about it, it sounds kind of boring.

3. Getting Wonky With It

I've decided to keep my head in the game and stay up to date on policy. I probably would have been doing a better job of this all along had I not been suffering through an administration that made me want to stab myself in the head for the last eight years. I'm looking forward to getting really dorky about it, now that I won't be distracted by skyrocketing blood pressure every time I try to read up on politics. But I will also try to moderate my intake.

4. Health-Nuttery

This one is kind of a challenge for me, since I am allergic to raw fruits and vegetables. No, really. So I have to get really creative to eat healthy, and I have to count on a lot of supplements. Fortunately, shopping for supplements is my idea of a good time. The more expensive and frivolous, the better. Maybe I'll start drinking Borba Skin Care Water. That sounds fun. But I draw the line at actually working out.

Is there anything else I should consider? What do you do for fun? I really want to know.

Unexpected Bonus to Obama Presidency:

Sexy, sexy Congressman Rahm Emanuel as Chief Of Staff? Does this mean he'll be on Meet The Press a lot? Because that is exactly the change I need. Way to hold my interest, Barry.

I can't handle it.