Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pineapple Express & Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen and the rest of the Jew-Tang Clan make the movies I want to see. It's gonna be a good year, dudes.

This is the filthiest trailer I've ever seen and is probably NSFW. It really depends where you work. I've had people show me porn on their phones at work, so, y'know... it's all relative?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

It Came To Me In A Dream

Last night I watched The Broken Giant, the most boring movie of all time. I got it because it was Will Arnett's only dramatic film on Netflix, and history has shown that when comedians do drama, it tends to be pretty durn good (see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Stranger Than Fiction, Punch-Drunk Love, etc). Guess I found the exception that proves the rule. Every single scene had the exact same dialogue.

1- "How are you?"
2- "I'm fine."
1- "Where have you been?"
2- "Went for a walk."
1- "Where to?"
2- "The woods."
1- "I think that girl should leave soon."
2- "She's not ready yet."
1- "..."
2- "..."

OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR A FUCKING HOUR. In the last twenty minutes there was some illicit sex and a pointless murder, but by then it was too g.d. late. Will Arnett didn't move his face the entire time.

Stop making that face at me!!

The most exciting part was when I realized that the lead-ish actress was the victim in Silence of The Lambs. I pointed at the screen and yelled, "It puts the lotion in the basket! It puts the lotion in the basket!" Ugh. I just read Will Arnett's Wikipedia article and apparently, he "never considered himself a comic" and considers himself an "actor first." Really, Will Arnett? Really? I am just so upset with him right now.

Anyway, this led to me dreaming that I was stuck at a bar (I think it was Chapel) talking to an incredibly boring girl who only answered my questions in monosyllables. But then, just as I thought I was so bored that I would never be happy again and I might as well just die (Dream Chelsea is even more melodramatic than Real Chelsea) Prince materialized through a set of gauzy white drapes and launched into Purple Rain! Then he winked at me, and I looked down to see that he had tattooed me with his eyes, leaving a purple raindrop on my wrist about the size of a grain of rice.

I think I might actually get the tattoo. Why not, right? It's super-tiny and would serve as a constant reminder that no matter how bored I am, at least I'm not watching The Broken Giant anymore. And in the unlikely event that someone notices it and asks me about it, I can say, "Prince gave it to me in a dream," and smile cryptically. Similarly to this, but without the goofy hat:

Man, I gotta start wearing more eyeliner.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sunday Morning Punditry

I couldn't wait for this last football season to end. The NFL essentially stole my husband, who on Sunday mornings would turn the living room into his weird little war room, one T.V. tuned to whatever game was on, the other hooked up to the GameCube so he could play Madden while watching the game, and the laptop open with stats websites on screen. On top of all that, I was getting really creeped out by the Patriots' unnerving perfection. I'm pretty sure they are actual robots. Or cyborgs. Whatever. It's not cool. What really upset me, though, was the loss of my favorite weekend activity. Sunday morning political punditry.

Now that the whole NFL shebang is wrapped up, I could not possibly be more stoked. My weekend routine has been restored, and because it is the craziest election year evvaaaahhh (!!!!) every Sunday is like Christmas. Here's how it goes:
9am- This Week with George Stephanopoulos

I'm glad this guy kicks it off because his show is the easiest to handle. He's no hardship on the eyes, there's usually a minimum of shouting at his round table, and he shows clips of jokes from The Daily Show every week (among others, but I don't have cable so this is my only regular exposure to Jon Stewart). This way, Landon and I can focus on arguing over who is going to make the coffee (an argument I almost always lose) so that we are sufficiently caffeinated to deal with the more taxing programs.

10am- Meet The Press with Tim Russert

God, I love Tim Russert so much. Last Sunday, Nader came on the show to announce his candidacy and it was pretty clear that Russert only allowed this so he could be the first to publicly and politely ask him what the fuck was wrong with him. In different words of course, but the sentiment was the same. When they went to commercial, Russert wouldn't even look at him.

Another reason I love this show is the frequent inclusion of David Gregory (on whom I have a crush that even I don't understand) in the round table.

And because it's an election year, we shall soon see the return of Russert's white board, something I've been looking forward to since 2004!!

I love it!! Almost as much as I love...

11am- The McLaughlin Group

From the moment John McLaughlin barks "Issue One!!" at the shows' opening, to when he gives his often absurd prediction at shows' close, I am giddy as a school girl. A really, really dorky school girl. Some of my favorite things:

1. McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan have been working together since the Nixon years and it shows. The buddyhood between those two is palpable, and as you may know, buddyhood is one of my absolute favorite things in the whole world. Never in a million years did I think I would enjoy anything involving Pat Buchanan, but such is the power of The McLaughlin Group.

2. Clarence Page looks like a turtle, and I love it when people look like turtles.

3. Making fun of Monica Crowley (newest addition to the group, replacing Tony Blankley) and her sartorial choices. One week she showed up in prairie garb, allowing for a half hour's worth of Sarah, Plain and Tall and Deadwood jokes. The next week, she appeared to be rocking some sort of Melanie Griffith in Working Girl look. I'm pretty sure The McLaughlin Group set doesn't have the budget for a wardrobe person. Or a mirror. In all fairness, though, this is what she looks like on a good day:

Not bad, I guess. Anything's better than Tony Blankley. That guy is a motherfucker.

4. The aforementioned predictions. My all-time favorite is the time McLaughlin ended the show crowing, "Liquor is BACK!! Byyyyye-Bye!!!"

Friday, February 22, 2008

Now that the writer's strike is finally over, and we can look forward to the return of all our favorite shows, does this mean that reality programming will taper off a little? As much as I love the idea of people taking lie detector tests in front of a national audience and the return of American Gladiators, most of that shit is gang o' bogus. How come American reality TV is never as good as Japanese?

Is that so much to ask?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 3

I am having a really hard time pulling it together today, dudes. I've had a shit ton of coffee. I keep making all these typos because my fingers keep tripping over themselves, like a kitten that is still learning how to run. No segues are springing to mind, so, umm, here we go!

1. Flight of the Conchords

This was another Mindy Kaling recommend (She is never, ever wrong, guys. Seriously.). I don't have cable, so I tend to be a little behind on a lot of great shows. I am so glad that I have caught up! I really enjoy Novelty Music, and so much the better when it is laid down by cute dudes with adorable accents. Rent it!!

2. All Purpose Pizza

This isn't so much something I am into right now, it's more something I am obsessed with all the time. All Purpose makes the best pizza I have ever had in my life. I know I am prone to hyperbole, but this shit is no joke. A couple weeks ago, I had a bite that was so perfect I very nearly cried. Over pizza. Here's the deal: the crust is sourdough, so it has this delicious tanginess to it. The sauce is made with reduced red wine, and I am drooling a little just thinking about it. My favorite topping of theirs is carmelized onions. The meatballs are great, too. And the website has really charming animation, though it is kind of a pain in the ass to navigate.

3. Slash

Slash is the coolest person who has ever lived, hands down. I am currently reading his autobiography, and it is awesome. Did you know that his mom had an affair with David Bowie? And that Slash was an insanely cute kid? Check this shit out:

Oh my god, right? When will they get cloning technology worked out so I can have a Baby Slash? I will pay top dollar.

3. Polyvore

I like to strategize my wardrobe several months in advance. Usually it's not too specific; a color scheme, or type of dress, or a concept, like, the Incognito Waitress. But that was before I found out about Polyvore. I'll let them explain it to you:
" Polyvore is a unique, easy-to-use web-based application for mixing and matching products from any online store. Items are pulled together into a visual set of products that can be shared with anyone. Each product within the set is then linked back to the online store where it is available for purchase."

The other day I decided I really want a pot leaf t-shirt, right? But I wasn't sure how I would wear it. "What goes with a pot leaf t-shirt?", I asked myself. So I went to Polyvore and worked it the fuck out!

Bam! Business taken care of!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Fun with Google!

So, in the last post, I mentioned that image searching "thumbs up" was really fun, but it occurred to me later that this is an issue I feel deserves more attention. Not thumbs, but the fun that can be had with Google image search. Sometimes when I get bored, I image search words and phrases, and Voila! I'm not bored any more. (Google is not paying me for this, BTW, but they should be.) Like just now, I punched in "why is this so hard" and look what came up!

Thanks for the encouragement, Rosie!

Then I tried "what is hay?" and this is what I got:

Oh, I get it now!

I don't always ask questions. Sometimes I try to find emotions. Like "stoked."

I know exactly how he feels. For some reason, "stoked" pulled up a lot of gay porn. That happens to me a lot, because I always forget to turn on Safe Search. For a recent post, I tried to find an image to express giving up by searching "fuck it." I don't know why I was surprised at what it turned up. Sometimes I am such an innocent.

I also like to use Google Trends to entertain myself. This is where you can find out where the most people are searching for particular keywords. Like for example, here are the top 5 cities searching for "Fun":
1. Sydney, Australia

2. Melbourne, Australia

3. Chicago, IL, USA

4. Paris, France

5. Atlanta, GA, USA

I wonder if these people are trying to figure out what fun is? Or where fun is?

These are the top 10 cities trying to figure out "gaydar":
1. Watford, United Kingdom

2. Edinburgh, United Kingdom

3. Brentford, United Kingdom

4. Birmingham, United Kingdom

5. Reading, United Kingdom

6. Poplar, United Kingdom

7. Milton Keynes, United Kingdom

8. Manchester, United Kingdom

9. Sheffield, United Kingdom

10. Thames Ditton, United Kingdom

I am laughing too hard to make up a joke about that.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Beverage Update!

So, I got around to tasting one of the Hi Ball energy drinks, and I gotta tell you, it is a keeper. It just tastes like sparkling water with a careless whisper of citrus-y goodness. Also, the carbonation is very light, like, the bubbles are super tiny, so it doesn't overwhelm your mouth the way cheap sparklers do. All in all, thumbs up!

p.s. I just want you guys to know that Google image searching "thumbs up" was one of the funnest things I've done all week. And this has been an exceptionally fun week. I suggest you try it the next time you are feeling down.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What In The Hell Is Going On With Me?

I am pretty permissive with myself when it comes to Fun. Guilty pleasures aren't something that really exist in my world; my stance is that if something is pleasurable and doesn't hurt anyone, there shouldn't be any guilt, right? So I've allowed myself the occasional *NSync binge. If I wanna read a little Jackie Collins, no big d. But recently, I seem to be chewing a lot more Bubblegum than usual, if you catch my drift. What was formerly a sporadic indulgence has become my usual fare.

See how bad it's gotten? I can't even express my emotions without using a Lolcat!

I knew things were getting a little excessive when I caught myself reading a chick-lit mystery while listening to Britney Spears on my headphones. I was on the bus, and I realized that I was not stoked on the idea of being caught by someone I knew. Then yesterday. Yesterday things got serious.

Yesterday I put "Fergalicious" on my mp3 player. and "Girlfriend", by Avril Lavigne.

I now know the true meaning of Guilty Pleasure. I'm not guilty about liking crap, mind you. My guilt stems from a lack of balance. It used to be that I'd read a crap book as a break from all the Serious Literature I was really interested in. But, dudes. In the last two weeks, I read three Sheryl J. Anderson novels in a row. Here's the thing: an action is only out of character so many times. Do it enough and it is your character.

And you know what? That's fine. I am learning to accept me this way. I can love Hello Kitty and still be smart. I can listen to Fergie and still be a feminist. And you know what else? Sheryl J. Anderson is a really good writer! And so is Jennifer Weiner, goddamnit!

This might be a phase. Maybe I'll grow out of it, and I'll go back to reading Gogol and listening to abrasive music. But for the time being, this is how I roll. Fuck it. I love pop culture!

I Love Love!

While Valentine's Day is basically a crock of shit, I do endorse any celebration of Love. In honor of that sentiment, here are two of my all-time favorite love songs.

This first one is for those in love, either with a significant other or with the Wu-Tang.

Here's one for those of us who love strippers. Specifically, this goes out to that Puerto Rican girl in Portland.

Have a fun day, dudes!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Lost In The Supermarket

I do pretty much all my grocery shopping at an all-natural co-op. I love it there; all the food is organic, or at least preservative free, which I am an asshole about. But frankly, I have some needs that they will not fulfill, like Gatorade and cheap frozen pizzas, so sometimes I go to one of the big chains. Today I was in search of a drink called Zenergize, recommended by Mindy Kaling in one of her amazing blog posts. It's like Emergen-C powder, only it's a tablet that you add to water. Like if Emergen-C and Alka Seltzer (which I also adore) made sweet love and produced a delicious vitamin baby. I was unable to find it, even though I looked in two grocery stores, a drugstore and a bodega. I think they just keep more shit like that in stock in L.A. But! I did find a couple of super fun beverages I was heretofore unaware of.

1. Lipton Tea To Go

I am so into this whole "to go" thing. My mom sent me some of those Airborne To Go packets, and for like a week my greatest delight was hearing someone say they felt kind of sick so I could whip out one of those puppies all slick-like. I'm gonna throw a couple of these in my purse and just wait for someone to say they'd love some iced green tea. I'll be all, "Oh, really?" and get that shit down their gullet before they even know what's what. Being prepared rules.

2. Hi Ball Energy drink

God, I am such a sucker for adorable packaging. I haven't tasted these yet, so they might be totally gross, but they are unsweetened which is a definite plus. My sweet tooth is basically nonexistent, unlike 98% of Americans (It's a fact. I checked. Okay, not really). Finding beverages that aren't either packing like 48 grams of pure sugar, or some sick Splenda-type whatever is nearly impossible, so I drink coffee and lemon water pretty much exclusively. I'll let you know if this guy gets added to the rotation, but even if they are gross, I might just keep one around to look at. So pretty!

Let me know if you have seen Zenergize anywhere in Seattle. I still totally want to try it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Waldorf Toys

Landon and I sometimes joke that the real reason we want kids is so we can play with their toys. I'm not sure if he realizes that even if we had a kid right now, by the time it's old enough to move independently, the Wii will be hopelessly outmoded. So he should just buy one (a Wii, not a baby). What I want an excuse to buy, on the other hand, will never be outmoded because they are timelessly awesome. Waldorf toys.

How cute is that little fucker! I think I will just buy that one, actually. It's not so obviously a toy that I can't just put it on my bookshelf. Oh yeah, and it's called a Gnome Castle, which is possibly the cutest thing that's ever happened. One thing I will have to wait for baby-time to buy is the Rollercoaster:

When I was little those things were my favorite. They had them at the bank and at the doctor's office, and I used to covet them so hard. And as you can tell, I still find them fascinating. Ugh. Being a toddler is the shit.

Flavor of Love 3

[Flavor of Love Contestant:] Oh cutie got it goin' ON!
[Chelsea:] Cute? What?! That dirty motherfucker?!
Flavor of Love Contestant:] You buggin'!
Chelsea:] Ain't no buggin', he's some ugly motherfucker.
Flavor of Love Contestant:] You buggin', no -- look at his disposition, shorty gotta stride!
Chelsea:] What stride? Ugly motherfucker, he ain't shit.
Flavor of Love Contestant:] See, that's my flavor, brother may kill me like that.
Chelsea:] You got mad sour flavor, shorty, cuz that ain't shit at all...
Flavor of Love Contestant:] I'm -- yo G, I don't think he realizes it. Look at him!
Chelsea:] Look at what? Dirty motherfucker, he ain't shit.
Flavor of Love Contestant:] Hahaha, you don't see what I see, B.
Chelsea:] I don't see nothing, you wear glasses, sisso.
Flavor of Love Contestant:] True, true. Just look at him, just look at his disposition! *

There is nothing attractive about Flavor Flav. He is visually unpleasant, has like a billion kids, is frequently in trouble with the law, and while he may not currently be on drugs, I seriously doubt the tenacity of his grasp on sobriety. Shockingly, the man is now in the third season of his very own dating show. So, why does Flavor Flav get to ride this non-stop pussy train to Fun Town? I'll tell you why. Because America is AWESOOOOOME!!!!

* Dialogue borrowed from ODB's "Don't You Know", one of the most beautiful love songs ever written.

Friday, February 8, 2008

A Tale of Two Tootsies (my feet)

For me, getting dressed is mainly about figuring out how comfortable I can be without looking like a total fucking schlub. Left to my own devices, I would never get out of my American Apparel yoga pants and whatever t-shirt is closest to my bed. I probably wouldn't even wear shoes. To be totally honest, the conversation I have with myself usually goes something like this:
"Okay, what are we doing today?" (Yeah, my internal conversations are actual conversations. And I refer to myself as "we".)
"Umm, we have to go to the grocery store, like now. We're out of coffee."
"What?! I thought we agreed that was never ever going to happen again!"
"Well, it happened. So put some pants on."
"Okay." Reaches for yoga pants.
"Actual pants, Chelsea. With a zipper and everything."
"Are you kidding me?! For the grocery store?"
"There are people at the grocery store. People with eyes."
"Ugh. Fine. But we're not showering."
"Who exactly are we punishing, here?"

Luckily, I am fully aware that sometimes my cosiness needs to be sacrificed for the greater visual good. But sometimes it's not a sacrifice at all! Sometimes things are super cute and insanely comfortable at the same time. Like my Vans:

I have the polka dot ones in black and white, but they also come in white, black, the classic Vans checkerboard, and just in time for Valentine's Day, these beauties:

I'm not normally a big hearts-on-shit person, but seriously, how cute is that? And, in further appeal to my needs, they're machine washable which is vital when you're as messy and clumsy as I am. Because if I don't somehow manage to spill condiments all over my shoes, then I will probably trip over something and get them all covered in mud. Or both. Which I did. Recently.
Now I just have the yoga pants thing to deal with. I think I just need to accept that while they have the word pants in their title, they are still basically just leggings. Which are not pants. God, I hope Lindsay Lohan is reading this.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Missoni Home is Killin' My Life

My High School psychology teacher was the most mind-numbingly boring person I have ever encountered. He murdered what could have been the most interesting course on my syllabus with his quiet, monotone delivery. I remember one day I simply could not take it anymore, so I faked a coughing fit until he made me go sit in the hallway. I did take one thing away from that class, for which I will always be grateful. He showed us the Schizophrenia Cats. Do you know what I'm talking about? This schizophrenic dude, Louis Wain, painted cats, and as his condition worsened the cats he painted grew progressively more abstracted and awesome.

How gorgeous are those? I especially like the 3rd-6th paintings. I was reminded of these paintings recently while looking at pictures of Missoni's home collections.

Ugh, I just love it so hard. I want to put a piece of toast on that plate like you would not believe. Missoni also did a version of the Phillip Starck Ghost Chair that is absolutely ruining me right now.

Seriously. And then I saw this:

Fuuuuuuuuck!!! How fun would it be to have a living room that is, like, the visual equivalent of delicious popsicles!! This is my living room in my imaginary life where Landon is an architect and I write hilarious, touching, critically acclaimed short stories and we can totally afford gorgeous floor cushions that cost, like $2000 each.
Dudes!! Something so crazy happened to me this morning! So, I'm just chillin', right? Standing on my balcony at a quarter to nine, right? When a hawk comes down from the sky and perches itself on the tree in front of me!! It looked just like this, which means it was a Coopers hawk, or, as they are commonly known, chicken hawk. It looked just like this:

How cool is that? I just hope he doesn't eat the blue jay that's been hanging out around here lately. I like that guy. Man, nature is some shit.

Monday, February 4, 2008

I Love a Man in Uniform?

I don't know what the hell is going on, but Seattle seems to be filled with highly attractive men who happen to be wearing uniforms. I first started noticing this when I was working at the War Room. Due to the newness of the club and it's quick popularity, we received nearly weekly visits from the fire department. The first time I looked up to see a pair of fire fighters who appeared to have stepped off the pages of a charity calendar, I wrote it off as a fluke. But it kept happening. Over and over again. And then I started noticing hot cops all over the place!! And UPS guys!!!

So, I have a couple theories about this.

1. Fire fighting and package delivery are very physical, outdoorsy occupations, so of course those dudes are in great physical shape. But that doesn't explain the whole chiseled jaw, dreamy eyes factor.

2. In this uncertain, Post-9/11 world, I crave security, and as a result have begun to romanticize Protectors. But that doesn't explain the UPS guys.

(so nurturing.)

3. Perhaps I have always had a latent uniform fetish lurking in the recesses of my psyche, but have only recently been exposed to enough uniformed men to realize it. If fetishes are genetic, this one is probably it, as my mom is totally gross about Men In Uniform.

4. David Beckham

I don't actually have anything to say about this one. Just, umm, wow.

Seriously, guys, have you noticed this too, or is it just me? Also, those of you who are not in Seattle, is this happening where you are? Get back to me on this.