This morning I was chatting with Keehnan when the topic of infomercials came up. This, of course, led to a discussion of the beef between Billy Mays and Vince Offer (or, as I prefer to call him, That Young Upstart Tryna Usurp the Throne). Where do you stand on this very important issue?
I, on the other hand, am the fucking Captain of Team Billy Mays. First off, I am a creature of habit, y'all. I'm comfortable with Billy Mays. I know Billy Mays. Who the fuck is Vince Offer? What, he thinks he can just show up out of nowhere and sell me a highly absorbent towel, just like that? My head isn't turned that easily, I'm afraid. Also, he sounds like he's from New Jersey, which is probably the fastest way to get me to not trust you.
Billy Mays is great! He gets me all fired up! People complain about his constant yelling, calling it "abrasive" and "super fucking annoying", but I love it. I listen to a lot of mainstream rap music, you guys. I get uncomfortable if someone isn't yelling at me about their product preferences.
The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:
Fuck a Unicorn.
I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.
1. Platypus
I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about
2. Koalas!!
I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.
From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.[citation needed] Both sexes possess a cloaca,[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.
Okay!
3. Giant Squid
HELL.
TO.
THE.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.
4. Cuttlefish
Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.
Can you do that? I can't do that.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Is it just me, or is this video extraordinarily homoerotic?
I just feel like if I were kickin' it with these dudes, presumably all tarted up, and they were ignoring me in favor of spraying each other with champagne, I would just get up and go home. It is starting to make more and more sense that these are the dudes behind "No Homo". *
While we're on the subject of Dipset, (which, honestly, I wish we weren't, but I gotta get this out)were you aware that they had released another** Christmas album? Technically, it's "Jim Jones and Skull Gang present", but that's still Dipset to me. And this one doesn't even have a "We Fly High" so people will maybe buy it. Straight Christmas raps, for like an hour.
One! Last! Thing! Have you ever noticed that Jim Jones bears a striking resemblance to Sir Mix-A-Lot?
I just want you to know that getting that picture of J. Jones was not easy for me. I know Cam's the one with IBS, but looking at Jim Jones makes my gastrointestinal tract feel weird. That Halfrican is greazy.
*Personally, I am big fan of "Yes Homo", which is what I say when I definitely mean something in a homosexual manner. Like, "Amy, your tits look awesome today, yes homo." Try it, it's fun and promotes acceptance.
** That's right. There are multiple Dipset Christmas albums in this world.
Mayor C. Ray Nuggets and I have a question to ask you: Which is weirder, this video (embedding disabled, which is straight up cold blooded. But please bear with us and click through. We want this issue settled.) or this one?*
I really want you all to leave your opinion in the comments. (That includes you, Ms. Williams. I would like you to share with the class today.)
Also, we thought about including the following in the runnings towards becoming America's Next Top Super Weird Music Video, but decided it was in a solar system of its own.
* Remember when Busta Rhymes presented a VMA with Martha Stewart while wearing a crazy red Man-frock? I miss that dude. I feel like he was the Samson of weirdness and when he cut off his dreads his powers disappeared.
