Uncashable Checks

Hi, dudes! Sorry I haven't posted in so long (Umm, over a year? Oops!). I've been super busy making a baby and then keeping said baby alive and not crying. Also, I personally find it really hard to think of blog posts when all I've done all day is stare at the kid. But, you guys, I've had something on my mind for a while now and I need to discuss it with y'alls. You see, I've been listening to a lot of R&B for the last few months. This is related to motherhood in the sense that I no longer get paid for my work and that makes it difficult to listen to rap music, as rappers talk about getting money A LOT. Some of them actually never talk about anything else (I'm looking at you, Baby the Birdman). R&B artists address cashflow issues significantly less, but they use the same producers so there are a lot of sonic similarities. I should be happy. But as I listen to these songs, something keeps bugging me oh so much, which is that these R&B peeps are always making INSANE sexual promises that no one could ever, ever keep. Let's take a closer look:

1. Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke (son of Alan Thicke) actually isn't too overpromisey. I mean, he totally is for a normal human being, but in the world of R&B his hyperbole is pretty average.



Now, in case you didn't catch all the lyrics, Rob here just promised to solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS with his penis. We will accept that as our median for the purposes of this post, and that level of overpromising pales in comparison to our next offender. That's right, dudes, I'm talking about the King of Sexual Overpromise,

2. R. Kelly
Hoo, boy. You're gonna want to hold onto your hat for this one.



To recap: Kells is proposing an entire 24 hours of sex. There will be a round TEN, after which he will get a second wind, resulting in more sex, which is going to make you yodel. Not, as I would think, give you all kindsa chafe, but yodel. Oh, and he probably got you fired.

But that's not unusual for R. Kelly, a man who has sung of sex that takes place in outer space, for Pete's sake. I know better than to take him even remotely seriously. The thing that makes this so bothersome to me, so egregious, is that what we know of R. Kelly's actual sex life tells us that not only is he NOT going to make you yodel, but he's probably going to put on a Zorro mask and pee on you. It's like if I told you to come over to my house to watch the secret 6th season of The Wire and eat free pizza FROM THE FUTURE, and then when you got there, I put on a Zorro mask and peed on you.

3. Ciara



CIARA IS GOING TO DAGGER YOU.

4. The-Dream



Now that is more like it! For those of you not familiar with the vernacular, to "put it down" is to do a pretty good job. Way to keep expectations somewhere reasonable, The-Dream! The craziest promise here is that he'll make you sleepy. Sounds great! I hereby name you my boyfriend for the duration of this blog post!*

Well, that was fun! I'll try to be here more often, but no promises. I seriously don't understand how those Mommy Blogger people do it.


*Actually, who am I kidding, I totally pick Robin Thicke. I have an inexplicable weakness for white dudes with gross facial hair. See also KFed and my husband when we first met.

I was listening to Rick James this morning, and I couldn't stop wondering why he was never as big as Prince. I think I have an Idea:

Sex sells, and they were both pretty sexual dudes, both in content and packaging, right? But while Prince's lyrics were far, far filthier (compare Superfreak to Erotic City), he had a leg up on Rick as far as accessibility goes, and there was nothing to be done about it. Why, you ask?

Because Rick James was a big, man-ass dude:



who looks like he may actually do something real crazy to you, whereas Prince is an elf:




And if I've learned anything since Peter Jackson's Lord Of the Rings trilogy came out, it's that bitches love elves.



Also, this.

Kanye, So Blue

Last night, while watching the video for Kanye West's Heartless I had a realization-

If you could cook down an album the same way you do a liquid, Kanye's latest album "808s and Heartbreaks" could be, after simmering in a pot for an hour or so, reduced to this:

real talk.

Is it just me, or is this video extraordinarily homoerotic?




I just feel like if I were kickin' it with these dudes, presumably all tarted up, and they were ignoring me in favor of spraying each other with champagne, I would just get up and go home. It is starting to make more and more sense that these are the dudes behind "No Homo". *

While we're on the subject of Dipset, (which, honestly, I wish we weren't, but I gotta get this out)were you aware that they had released another** Christmas album? Technically, it's "Jim Jones and Skull Gang present", but that's still Dipset to me. And this one doesn't even have a "We Fly High" so people will maybe buy it. Straight Christmas raps, for like an hour.

One! Last! Thing! Have you ever noticed that Jim Jones bears a striking resemblance to Sir Mix-A-Lot?




I just want you to know that getting that picture of J. Jones was not easy for me. I know Cam's the one with IBS, but looking at Jim Jones makes my gastrointestinal tract feel weird. That Halfrican is greazy.


*Personally, I am big fan of "Yes Homo", which is what I say when I definitely mean something in a homosexual manner. Like, "Amy, your tits look awesome today, yes homo." Try it, it's fun and promotes acceptance.

** That's right. There are multiple Dipset Christmas albums in this world.

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

T.J. Cowgill is the father of some of my all-time favorite brain-babies.



Not only did he front one of my favorite bands (Teen Cthulhu, R.I.P.), and another band I really like (Book Of Black Earth, still alive), but he is also the dude behind Actual Pain, makers of rad t-shirts and apparel.


I am not sure what is going on in that second one but I like it.

And if that isn't enough for you, the Actual Pain website has excellent mixtapes that you can download for free. It's like a one-stop awesome shop. He should sponsor me. Hey T.J.! Are you reading this? Give me t-shirts.

Or, I guess I could just go to this and buy stuff for cheap.


Tidbit: One time, like four years ago, I ran into T.J. at a bar and he told me he was interested in rapping. Then he rapped at me for like 5 minutes about witches and wolves and shit. That dude is nothing if not consistent.

A Serious Query

Mayor C. Ray Nuggets and I have a question to ask you: Which is weirder, this video (embedding disabled, which is straight up cold blooded. But please bear with us and click through. We want this issue settled.) or this one?*




I really want you all to leave your opinion in the comments. (That includes you, Ms. Williams. I would like you to share with the class today.)

Also, we thought about including the following in the runnings towards becoming America's Next Top Super Weird Music Video, but decided it was in a solar system of its own.




* Remember when Busta Rhymes presented a VMA with Martha Stewart while wearing a crazy red Man-frock? I miss that dude. I feel like he was the Samson of weirdness and when he cut off his dreads his powers disappeared.

I Forgot!

Another pastime I am considering is learning how to dance like Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video. I figure it'll take me about three years.



I am most intrigued by what she does with her pelvis around the 52 second mark. What is that?!

Hey, Rahm, do you think it's a good idea?



I think so too. Do you wanna make out later?



I'll take that as a maybe.

Bobby!

Lately, I've been thinking about the RZA a lot. And when I say "lately", I mean for about twelve years. I guess what I should say is that I have been thinking about the RZA even more than I normally do, and for two reasons:

1. Wuchess.com



I am really tempted to join Wuchess, even though I am not a skilled enough chess player to get to the point where I could play the RZA (that being the obvious draw). I want to join out of an almost sense of obligation, as it was the Wu-Tang Clan's influence that got me to play chess in the first place. Well, that and my brother's hectoring.

2. RZA as Bobby Digital
I have tickets to see RZA next week, and after ten years of failed attempts, I firmly believe I will actually see him this time. It almost happened this last December when I saw the rest of the Clan, but they were beefing pretty hard with R. Diggs at that point, so he was the only member absent. I was heartbroken. Fucking Capadonna was there, but no RZA.



But this time it's just him, and he's pretty responsible these days, right? Knock wood. Ugh, now I'm starting to doubt it. I'd say "fool me twice", but these Wu motherfuckers have burned me like, eight times. I'm an optimist, but they make it very difficult for me sometimes.

Update: I forgot to say this before, but I'm pretty sure I heard the RZA yelling "Bobby!" in the background on an episode of The Wire. Check it out. 3rd season 2nd episode, when Herc is telling Carver about his naked pastry chef fantasy.

Right Now

I am listening to Tha Carter III.

Fucking finally.

I don't read music blogs. There's too much to deal with! Too much new material to assimilate! Remixes, mash-ups, fan videos. Ugh. I find the entire prospect quite daunting. So it can take me a while to catch on to the hotness. Which brings us to our subject, Wiz Khalifa.


Look at that baby face! How old are you, Wiz? Wikipedia says he's twenty-one, but I am skeptical.

I really love Youngin' On His Grind. It came out September of last year, but I only found out about it a couple months ago (I never said I was an early adopter, you guys. In fact, I have often been heard to claim the opposite). This song has what I believe to be the ultimate hip hop chorus.

Money on the mind,
Hustlin' all the time.
All about the paper
Cuz the youngin' on his grind.

What else need be said? Nothing, that's what.

Apparently he's from Pittsburgh. In the aforementioned jam he shouts out Pistol-vania, which, if my map is correct, is somewhere near Connecti-cut-your-fucking-face.

Click here to check out the jam!

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.

The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program

I love food. I love thinking about food, I love talking about food. I love eating food, but only slightly more than I love preparing food. I fucking love food. Strange then, that it has only recently occurred to me to try reading about food.

When I got Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential from the library a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any ideas in mind other than reading it, but things took on a life of their own pretty quickly once I remembered that he'd also done a celebrity playlist for Rhapsody, and that it was really good. So I decided that I would listen to this playlist while reading the book. It's not often that books come with their own soundtrack, right? Then I remembered that there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox a couple years back, based on Kitchen Confidential. And hey, what about No Reservations, Bourdain's Eat-My-Way-Around-The-World show?

Thus, The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program was born.



Dudes, I have been having so much fun. And it's not like I've learned a whole lot of new stuff. Mostly homie has just reminded me to take a few key things seriously.

1. Ingredients
Last Saturday I had one of the best meals of my life, no joke. I sauteed an onion and a few cloves of garlic, threw in some fresh sage, poured white wine over it and after it had reduced to my satisfaction, sopped it up with Pain Campagne from Dahlia Bakery. Crazy simple, but it was completely amazing because every ingredient was quality.

2. Knives
I use one knife for everything, so why not take care of it? I've decided to start sharpening my knife regularly. My buddy Cody works at a knife store in the Market, it's just a matter of getting myself down there for a tutorial. Plus, it looks really fun.

3. The Stooges
Here's that playlist I was talking about.
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Mix
No revelations, but it reminded me that everything is awesome when you are listening to The Stooges. The other day me and Landon were doing the most mundane shit possible (mending pants and filing taxes, respectively) but it felt totally fucking rad, because we were listening to Fun House.

4. Calling Bullshit on Rachael Ray
This was Bourdain's response when asked why he picks on Rachael Ray:
"Well, she can take it. She’s incredibly powerful, very successful, far more loved than I am… so it’s not like I’m hurting her. And on the other hand, she genuinely offends me. I compare her to, the standard I hold her to — foolishly, perhaps– is Julia Child, who wasn’t a professional chef either. When you watched Julia Child, you would see her make Coq au Vin, or some classic French dish, and you’d say “Wow, that’s classic French food, that’s not so difficult. Julia can do it, I can do it. I’m gonna try that.” And it made people aspire to more.

I think when Rachael tells you that it’s perfectly OK to buy a pre-chopped onion from the supermarket… I mean how hard is it to chop an onion? What you take away from Rachael Ray is “I could cook that! I feel better about myself now. I’m not gonna cook that! But I will finish this bag of Cheetos and that gallon jug of Diet Pepsi before dying of diabetes.”

And just to illustrate his point, this video includes a tutorial on how to properly dice an onion:

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 3

I am having a really hard time pulling it together today, dudes. I've had a shit ton of coffee. I keep making all these typos because my fingers keep tripping over themselves, like a kitten that is still learning how to run. No segues are springing to mind, so, umm, here we go!


1. Flight of the Conchords



This was another Mindy Kaling recommend (She is never, ever wrong, guys. Seriously.). I don't have cable, so I tend to be a little behind on a lot of great shows. I am so glad that I have caught up! I really enjoy Novelty Music, and so much the better when it is laid down by cute dudes with adorable accents. Rent it!!


2. All Purpose Pizza

This isn't so much something I am into right now, it's more something I am obsessed with all the time. All Purpose makes the best pizza I have ever had in my life. I know I am prone to hyperbole, but this shit is no joke. A couple weeks ago, I had a bite that was so perfect I very nearly cried. Over pizza. Here's the deal: the crust is sourdough, so it has this delicious tanginess to it. The sauce is made with reduced red wine, and I am drooling a little just thinking about it. My favorite topping of theirs is carmelized onions. The meatballs are great, too. And the website has really charming animation, though it is kind of a pain in the ass to navigate.


3. Slash



Slash is the coolest person who has ever lived, hands down. I am currently reading his autobiography, and it is awesome. Did you know that his mom had an affair with David Bowie? And that Slash was an insanely cute kid? Check this shit out:


Oh my god, right? When will they get cloning technology worked out so I can have a Baby Slash? I will pay top dollar.

3. Polyvore

I like to strategize my wardrobe several months in advance. Usually it's not too specific; a color scheme, or type of dress, or a concept, like, the Incognito Waitress. But that was before I found out about Polyvore. I'll let them explain it to you:
" Polyvore is a unique, easy-to-use web-based application for mixing and matching products from any online store. Items are pulled together into a visual set of products that can be shared with anyone. Each product within the set is then linked back to the online store where it is available for purchase."

The other day I decided I really want a pot leaf t-shirt, right? But I wasn't sure how I would wear it. "What goes with a pot leaf t-shirt?", I asked myself. So I went to Polyvore and worked it the fuck out!

Bam! Business taken care of!

I Love Love!

While Valentine's Day is basically a crock of shit, I do endorse any celebration of Love. In honor of that sentiment, here are two of my all-time favorite love songs.

This first one is for those in love, either with a significant other or with the Wu-Tang.




Here's one for those of us who love strippers. Specifically, this goes out to that Puerto Rican girl in Portland.



Have a fun day, dudes!

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 2

In the last post I told you about the things that are keeping me from being depressed. Now I wanna talk about the things that take it to the next step up, which for me is Totally Fucking Stoked.

1. Black Mountain


(I used this picture because Black Mountain is a Beard Band, and I wanted to communicate that clearly. Of course, if a picture is worth however many words, this whole aside is unnecessary. I think I might be gilding the lily. Or whatever.)

A couple anecdotes about this band:
a) I've been a door girl for almost four years now (jesus!) and this is the only band whose set was so awesome that I had to buy their CD at the end of my shift. This is huge for me because I
hate pretty much everything, especially if it's forced on me, ear-wise. This was about two years ago, when they still had me selling tickets at the entrance to the showroom. Now I'm in what the owners call the Box Office, and I call a hole in the wall. I'm separate from the showroom, which is good because I don't have to suffer through whichever awful band is playing. It's bad in the winter though, because I am basically Outdoors, and it is balls-ass cold at night.
b) Last week I was working in the box office for the Cave Singers show when a man appeared in front of me. He was very tall, very lanky, and very bearded. Also, he had on one of those weird hats that I associate with that dude from The Black Crowes who married Kate Hudson. (Do you know what I'm talking about? I just googled the hell out of that dude and couldn't find any images of him wearing hats. Maybe I'm thinking Shooter Jennings. Anyway.) You know what? He looked like this:


So. Homie stands there for a second, looking at the set times posted behind me. "Oh, maaaaan," he drawls. "I'm at the wrong show!"
"What are you looking for?" I ask, not because I don't know, but because I try not to profile customers to their faces.
"Black Mountain."
"That's on Thursday."
"What day is it?" (YES!!!)
"It's Saturday, buddy."
"Oh! Well, at least I didn't miss them."
I tell this story to illustrate that Black Mountain will make you wanna smoke so much weed that you no longer know what fucking day it is. I have been listening to their new album, In The Future, three times a day. Today is Thursday. It's gonna be a fun night. I hope I see that dude in the hat at the show.

2. George Saunders

Mindy Kaling, one of the writers from The Office, also writes a blog called Things I've Bought That I Love. I love it, but more importantly, I've realized that her tastes are shockingly similar to mine. So I decided, after noticing that she mentions George Saunders kind of a lot, that it may be worth my time to check him out, right? Right!! He's great! So funny, so smart, so good. And just look at his little face!


Seriously.

3. Uli's Sausages

Madison Market, where I do most of my grocery shopping, carries a few types of these delicious sausages, but in order to get at their awesome and varied complete selection you have to go to their tiny little counter at the Market. Like most Seattleites, I never go to Pike Place Market. Tourists clog up the joint and walk way too slow. The Flying Fish guys make me feel stabby. Occasionally I'll dodge into DeLaurenti for some of their phenomenal fresh mozzarella, because that can be done without venturing into the real bulk of the market, but mostly, I've been avoiding the market entirely for the last 6 years or so. And I have been missing out. Me and Landon went down there a couple weeks ago and got the Mexican Chorizo, Sicilian Bratwurst and the Heavy Garlic chicken sausages. We then proceeded to eat nothing but sausage-centric meals for two full days and we LOVED IT. They also have some lamb sausages that I am dying to try. I will definitely be making a trip to the Market this weekend. Oh yeah, and this may or may not be Uli himself.



4. This Picture:





Have fun, you guys!

A Mystery is Afoot

Someone shoved a pair of underpants into my mailbox.

Panties, colloquially. Red and pink striped Victoria's Secret panties, size small, specifically. I have composed a list of suspects.

1. The Goth Girl in Apt. 8: Last week, me and my buddy/neighbor Alex were smoking on the balcony when Gothy McSoulisdark forced herself into our conversation. For 20 damn minutes. She was boring and not funny and she wouldn't go away. A couple days later, Alex and I were playing Turner Classic Movies Scene It in Alex's apartment with the windows and shades open. Alex got this clue: "What 1969 movie had the tagline, "One man went looking for America. He never found it." It was Easy Rider, but she wasn't getting it, so to give her a clue I went into the whole "Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!!!!! Indians." thing (if you don't know what I'm talking about, rent Easy Rider. It's the best damn part of the whole movie). That exact moment, Gothy came out of her place, and hearing my "yip-yip" routine said, and I quote, "What is that, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on crack?!" That, my friends, is not only demonstrative of how not funny she is, it basically amounts to word salad. Then, as her first bout of verbal diarrhea garnered no response from us, she tried again. "Xena Warrior Princess!" We continued to ignore her. The next day she came outside while I was smoking alone. We did not speak.


Could it be an act of vengeful mischief?

2. The Australian: A couple months ago, the Australian called me a stupid bitch for drunkenly blasting Aerosmith at 7am. Is she still mad?


3. Alex: She says she didn't do it, but this kind of seems like the work of a buddy. And look at her! Those eyes are full of mischief!!


4. My husband, Landon: He was the one that "found" the offending underpants.


Seems shifty to me.

5. Caralee McElroy: I can't see any reason why not, and I would like to hear her alibi.


I would love to hear your thoughts on the suspects. Tampering with the mail is a Federal offense!