Uncashable Checks

Hi, dudes! Sorry I haven't posted in so long (Umm, over a year? Oops!). I've been super busy making a baby and then keeping said baby alive and not crying. Also, I personally find it really hard to think of blog posts when all I've done all day is stare at the kid. But, you guys, I've had something on my mind for a while now and I need to discuss it with y'alls. You see, I've been listening to a lot of R&B for the last few months. This is related to motherhood in the sense that I no longer get paid for my work and that makes it difficult to listen to rap music, as rappers talk about getting money A LOT. Some of them actually never talk about anything else (I'm looking at you, Baby the Birdman). R&B artists address cashflow issues significantly less, but they use the same producers so there are a lot of sonic similarities. I should be happy. But as I listen to these songs, something keeps bugging me oh so much, which is that these R&B peeps are always making INSANE sexual promises that no one could ever, ever keep. Let's take a closer look:

1. Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke (son of Alan Thicke) actually isn't too overpromisey. I mean, he totally is for a normal human being, but in the world of R&B his hyperbole is pretty average.



Now, in case you didn't catch all the lyrics, Rob here just promised to solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS with his penis. We will accept that as our median for the purposes of this post, and that level of overpromising pales in comparison to our next offender. That's right, dudes, I'm talking about the King of Sexual Overpromise,

2. R. Kelly
Hoo, boy. You're gonna want to hold onto your hat for this one.



To recap: Kells is proposing an entire 24 hours of sex. There will be a round TEN, after which he will get a second wind, resulting in more sex, which is going to make you yodel. Not, as I would think, give you all kindsa chafe, but yodel. Oh, and he probably got you fired.

But that's not unusual for R. Kelly, a man who has sung of sex that takes place in outer space, for Pete's sake. I know better than to take him even remotely seriously. The thing that makes this so bothersome to me, so egregious, is that what we know of R. Kelly's actual sex life tells us that not only is he NOT going to make you yodel, but he's probably going to put on a Zorro mask and pee on you. It's like if I told you to come over to my house to watch the secret 6th season of The Wire and eat free pizza FROM THE FUTURE, and then when you got there, I put on a Zorro mask and peed on you.

3. Ciara



CIARA IS GOING TO DAGGER YOU.

4. The-Dream



Now that is more like it! For those of you not familiar with the vernacular, to "put it down" is to do a pretty good job. Way to keep expectations somewhere reasonable, The-Dream! The craziest promise here is that he'll make you sleepy. Sounds great! I hereby name you my boyfriend for the duration of this blog post!*

Well, that was fun! I'll try to be here more often, but no promises. I seriously don't understand how those Mommy Blogger people do it.


*Actually, who am I kidding, I totally pick Robin Thicke. I have an inexplicable weakness for white dudes with gross facial hair. See also KFed and my husband when we first met.

PDXcuse Me

I owe Portland an apology.


In retrospect, I never had any real anger towards Portland itself. I'm pretty sure I was only mad because Portland kept luring away people I really like. And nothing makes me saltier than people I like moving away. Ugh. I'm sorry, okay, Portland? I was being a hater, and I apologize for talking shit. For, like, years.

I guess this change of heart has been in the works for a while. Me and the dude had a mini-vacay in P-Town (I can call it that now, right?) a couple years ago, and it was just lovely. Granted, we spent pretty much the entire time in strip clubs, smoking, drinking and carousing, and really, who wouldn't enjoy that? But I wasn't sold on Portland just yet. Until this morning, that is, when I found out about their food cart situation.




Apparently, Portland is awash with food carts, and nobody bothered to tell me about it.


View Portland Food Carts in a larger map

If that map were of Seattle there'd be, like, eight of those dot things. We are woefully lacking in food carts, which was much more of an actual problem back when I used to leave the house, but is still a blow to my hometown pride. What hurts the most, though, is that Junior Ambassadors cart exists and I have never been there. These guys specialize in weird ice cream flavors that make our ice cream "mavericks" look like a bunch of snivelling M.O.R. pussies (smoked salmon and cream cheese, you guys. Shit!), "panwiches" whatever that means, and being super fucking whimsical and adorable. Essentially, they are killing my life right now, and I will pretty much feel like half a person until I can convince someone (i.e. Landon) to drive me there. Look. This is how they choose to represent themselves:

AAAAAGH, why are they doing this to me?! You can read all about it at the Food Carts Portland blog. And while you're there, you might as well click around and start planning your food cart tour of Portland.

I feel good, you guys. I've never apologized to an entire city before (though there have been times when I certainly should have), and it's kind of delightfully cathartic. Maybe this will become a series. I have talked shit about a lot of places.
*

What it breaks down to is this: I kind of hate everywhere that isn't Seattle, just for not being Seattle. But what I am starting to realize is that just because I love my wife (Seattle), that doesn't mean I can't occasionally enjoy the charms of other women (cities). And maybe, just maybe, it's time to get me some strange. (Don't worry, this logic does not apply to my actual wife, by which I mean my actual husband, who, thank little baby Jesus, does not read this blog.)

* Did you know that if you Google image search "oops", you will see about a billion nip/labe slips? Neither did I, until about 3 minutes ago. Yowza.

But Wait!! There's More!!

This morning I was chatting with Keehnan when the topic of infomercials came up. This, of course, led to a discussion of the beef between Billy Mays and Vince Offer (or, as I prefer to call him, That Young Upstart Tryna Usurp the Throne). Where do you stand on this very important issue?




Keehny is pro-Vince Offer. When I asked him to defend this stance, he cited Vince's delightful ridiculousness (exemplified by this statement- "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life!"), That he does his own commercials in Spanish (but clearly does not speak Spanish), and that he, unlike Billy Mays, does not yell.

I, on the other hand, am the fucking Captain of Team Billy Mays. First off, I am a creature of habit, y'all. I'm comfortable with Billy Mays. I know Billy Mays. Who the fuck is Vince Offer? What, he thinks he can just show up out of nowhere and sell me a highly absorbent towel, just like that? My head isn't turned that easily, I'm afraid. Also, he sounds like he's from New Jersey, which is probably the fastest way to get me to not trust you.

Billy Mays is great! He gets me all fired up! People complain about his constant yelling, calling it "abrasive" and "super fucking annoying", but I love it. I listen to a lot of mainstream rap music, you guys. I get uncomfortable if someone isn't yelling at me about their product preferences.

Jim Jones & ByrdGang - Splash
Uploaded by jeewhite94

Also I am excited about this.

All Creatures Great and Small (are totally fucking crazy)

The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:

Fuck a Unicorn.

I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.


1. Platypus



I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about

2. Koalas!!



I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.

From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.^[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.^{[citation needed]} Both sexes possess a cloaca,^[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.

Okay!

3. Giant Squid

HELL.



TO.


THE.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.

4. Cuttlefish

Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.



Can you do that? I can't do that.

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

T.J. Cowgill is the father of some of my all-time favorite brain-babies.



Not only did he front one of my favorite bands (Teen Cthulhu, R.I.P.), and another band I really like (Book Of Black Earth, still alive), but he is also the dude behind Actual Pain, makers of rad t-shirts and apparel.


I am not sure what is going on in that second one but I like it.

And if that isn't enough for you, the Actual Pain website has excellent mixtapes that you can download for free. It's like a one-stop awesome shop. He should sponsor me. Hey T.J.! Are you reading this? Give me t-shirts.

Or, I guess I could just go to this and buy stuff for cheap.


Tidbit: One time, like four years ago, I ran into T.J. at a bar and he told me he was interested in rapping. Then he rapped at me for like 5 minutes about witches and wolves and shit. That dude is nothing if not consistent.

A Serious Query

Mayor C. Ray Nuggets and I have a question to ask you: Which is weirder, this video (embedding disabled, which is straight up cold blooded. But please bear with us and click through. We want this issue settled.) or this one?*




I really want you all to leave your opinion in the comments. (That includes you, Ms. Williams. I would like you to share with the class today.)

Also, we thought about including the following in the runnings towards becoming America's Next Top Super Weird Music Video, but decided it was in a solar system of its own.




* Remember when Busta Rhymes presented a VMA with Martha Stewart while wearing a crazy red Man-frock? I miss that dude. I feel like he was the Samson of weirdness and when he cut off his dreads his powers disappeared.

I Forgot!

Another pastime I am considering is learning how to dance like Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video. I figure it'll take me about three years.



I am most intrigued by what she does with her pelvis around the 52 second mark. What is that?!

Hey, Rahm, do you think it's a good idea?



I think so too. Do you wanna make out later?



I'll take that as a maybe.

Unexpected Bonus to Obama Presidency:

Sexy, sexy Congressman Rahm Emanuel as Chief Of Staff? Does this mean he'll be on Meet The Press a lot? Because that is exactly the change I need. Way to hold my interest, Barry.



I can't handle it.

Bobby!

Lately, I've been thinking about the RZA a lot. And when I say "lately", I mean for about twelve years. I guess what I should say is that I have been thinking about the RZA even more than I normally do, and for two reasons:

1. Wuchess.com



I am really tempted to join Wuchess, even though I am not a skilled enough chess player to get to the point where I could play the RZA (that being the obvious draw). I want to join out of an almost sense of obligation, as it was the Wu-Tang Clan's influence that got me to play chess in the first place. Well, that and my brother's hectoring.

2. RZA as Bobby Digital
I have tickets to see RZA next week, and after ten years of failed attempts, I firmly believe I will actually see him this time. It almost happened this last December when I saw the rest of the Clan, but they were beefing pretty hard with R. Diggs at that point, so he was the only member absent. I was heartbroken. Fucking Capadonna was there, but no RZA.



But this time it's just him, and he's pretty responsible these days, right? Knock wood. Ugh, now I'm starting to doubt it. I'd say "fool me twice", but these Wu motherfuckers have burned me like, eight times. I'm an optimist, but they make it very difficult for me sometimes.

Update: I forgot to say this before, but I'm pretty sure I heard the RZA yelling "Bobby!" in the background on an episode of The Wire. Check it out. 3rd season 2nd episode, when Herc is telling Carver about his naked pastry chef fantasy.

Right Now

I am listening to Tha Carter III.

Fucking finally.

Eat It Up With A Spoon

So, I have this tendency to ignore my stomach. I'll know I'm hungry for, like, an hour and won't do anything about it. Not out of some weird self-denial eating-disordery thing, but sheer laziness (I'm actually doing it right now). Then, by the time I decide to fix something to eat I am a whiny, stupid mess, due to my blood sugar being abysmally low. Landon can tell you about it. It's super-annoying, and probably one of my worst traits.

In order to counteract this, I try to have some food I've already prepared waiting for me in the fridge. That way, when I am starving but totally unable to cook because my brain is shutting down, I can just grab some delicious little whatever, and go back to being a semi-functional adult. And today, I'm gonna share the recipe for one of my delicious little whatevers!! Let's call it, umm,

Chelsea's Awesome Tuna Salad!!

Okay! You will need:

3 normal-sized cans of tuna, or 1 really big one
1 can x-large black olives
capers
green beans or asparagus
black beans (cooked)
dijon mustard
apple cider vinegar
olive oil
couscous or potatoes. or neither. it's your call. (Whoa, I just realized why I never write down recipes. Let's just call this an outline, then.)

So. Take a sealable container that will fit all this stuff (I like Pyrex) and dump your tuna, which you have already drained well, into the container. Add some dijon mustard, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I don't know how much I use, because I never measure. Maybe don't use too much mustard because it makes your nose feel crazy, yadaddamean? Oh!! Also, I like to use basil-infused olive oil for extra yumminess.


Mix all that stuff up and then start adding in the olives. I like to get the whole ones and break them up with my fingers. This is partly because I like to pop about every fourth olive into my mouth, but also I like to be really excessively intimate with my food. I've had a couple buddies observe that when I'm eating I stare my food down in a somewhat sexual way. I have also been told that I fondle my sandwiches. My hope is that my behavior is more charming than disgusting, but really there's nothing I can do about it, so fuck it.

Now you're gonna add the capers and black beans. You'll probably wanna use canned black beans, in which case just use half the can. As for the capers, it really depends on how much you like capers.


The green beans!! I have weird food allergies (no raw anything ever) so I use frozen green beans that I cook and cool before adding, but I bet raw or lightly steamed green beans would be delicious. Also, maybe some tasty little cherry tomatoes. Sometimes instead of the green beans I use asparagus, which is totally in season right now. Maybe throw in some parboiled potatoes, depending on your current relationship with carbohydrates. I bet broccoli would be good in this, too. God, I love vegetables.



Okay! So! Everything's mixed up all cozy, and all you need to do now is salt and pepper it. I like to serve it over couscous, because that shit cooks in two minutes, and sometimes I need a break from whole wheat pasta, which I eat every single day. If you make this let me know how it goes.

I have to go eat right now, I am freaking out.

A Delectable Dilemma

Okay, dudes, I am going to tell you something and I need you to reserve judgment for a minute. There is something I have not been able to get out of my head this week, and it might be a really terrible idea. It also might be the best idea I have ever had. Are you ready?

Potato chip nachos.

Bear (bare?) with me here. I'm not talking about some 7-11 nacho cheese bullshit. At least I don't think I am. I haven't worked out the details. But CheeseFest is this weekend, so maybe I'll find the appropriate cheese there. What worries me is that if I attempt this and it is gross, I will have wasted both potato chips and cheese, which is sad, sad, sad.

But!! What if it is totally awesome!! What if the powers of potato and cheese combine in a glorious alchemy to form the most retardedly delicious thing that has ever happened to me!!!!

I have a feeling that what would actually happen would be a near-perfect expression of one of my favorite words: Grawesome®.

Grawesome, as you may have guessed, is the delightful intersection of gross and awesome.

Some examples:



I love these fucking things. I only eat them about once a year, which is just enough time to forget how awful they make me feel.



I used to live on this shit.

Are you getting my point, here? Further, grawesome doesn't only apply to food.

I'm pretty sure Caralee is the only one who will back me up on this, but KFed is a stone grawesome fox. *



Popozao!

So, help me out, dudes. What cheese would work in the context of potato chip nachos? Or, should I just forget the whole idea? I'm so curious!!


*I just realized that Britney Spears' entire life is basically composed of grawesome. Whoa.

I don't read music blogs. There's too much to deal with! Too much new material to assimilate! Remixes, mash-ups, fan videos. Ugh. I find the entire prospect quite daunting. So it can take me a while to catch on to the hotness. Which brings us to our subject, Wiz Khalifa.


Look at that baby face! How old are you, Wiz? Wikipedia says he's twenty-one, but I am skeptical.

I really love Youngin' On His Grind. It came out September of last year, but I only found out about it a couple months ago (I never said I was an early adopter, you guys. In fact, I have often been heard to claim the opposite). This song has what I believe to be the ultimate hip hop chorus.

Money on the mind,
Hustlin' all the time.
All about the paper
Cuz the youngin' on his grind.

What else need be said? Nothing, that's what.

Apparently he's from Pittsburgh. In the aforementioned jam he shouts out Pistol-vania, which, if my map is correct, is somewhere near Connecti-cut-your-fucking-face.

Click here to check out the jam!

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.

The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program

I love food. I love thinking about food, I love talking about food. I love eating food, but only slightly more than I love preparing food. I fucking love food. Strange then, that it has only recently occurred to me to try reading about food.

When I got Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential from the library a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any ideas in mind other than reading it, but things took on a life of their own pretty quickly once I remembered that he'd also done a celebrity playlist for Rhapsody, and that it was really good. So I decided that I would listen to this playlist while reading the book. It's not often that books come with their own soundtrack, right? Then I remembered that there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox a couple years back, based on Kitchen Confidential. And hey, what about No Reservations, Bourdain's Eat-My-Way-Around-The-World show?

Thus, The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program was born.



Dudes, I have been having so much fun. And it's not like I've learned a whole lot of new stuff. Mostly homie has just reminded me to take a few key things seriously.

1. Ingredients
Last Saturday I had one of the best meals of my life, no joke. I sauteed an onion and a few cloves of garlic, threw in some fresh sage, poured white wine over it and after it had reduced to my satisfaction, sopped it up with Pain Campagne from Dahlia Bakery. Crazy simple, but it was completely amazing because every ingredient was quality.

2. Knives
I use one knife for everything, so why not take care of it? I've decided to start sharpening my knife regularly. My buddy Cody works at a knife store in the Market, it's just a matter of getting myself down there for a tutorial. Plus, it looks really fun.

3. The Stooges
Here's that playlist I was talking about.
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Mix
No revelations, but it reminded me that everything is awesome when you are listening to The Stooges. The other day me and Landon were doing the most mundane shit possible (mending pants and filing taxes, respectively) but it felt totally fucking rad, because we were listening to Fun House.

4. Calling Bullshit on Rachael Ray
This was Bourdain's response when asked why he picks on Rachael Ray:
"Well, she can take it. She’s incredibly powerful, very successful, far more loved than I am… so it’s not like I’m hurting her. And on the other hand, she genuinely offends me. I compare her to, the standard I hold her to — foolishly, perhaps– is Julia Child, who wasn’t a professional chef either. When you watched Julia Child, you would see her make Coq au Vin, or some classic French dish, and you’d say “Wow, that’s classic French food, that’s not so difficult. Julia can do it, I can do it. I’m gonna try that.” And it made people aspire to more.

I think when Rachael tells you that it’s perfectly OK to buy a pre-chopped onion from the supermarket… I mean how hard is it to chop an onion? What you take away from Rachael Ray is “I could cook that! I feel better about myself now. I’m not gonna cook that! But I will finish this bag of Cheetos and that gallon jug of Diet Pepsi before dying of diabetes.”

And just to illustrate his point, this video includes a tutorial on how to properly dice an onion:

Sunday Morning Punditry

I couldn't wait for this last football season to end. The NFL essentially stole my husband, who on Sunday mornings would turn the living room into his weird little war room, one T.V. tuned to whatever game was on, the other hooked up to the GameCube so he could play Madden while watching the game, and the laptop open with stats websites on screen. On top of all that, I was getting really creeped out by the Patriots' unnerving perfection. I'm pretty sure they are actual robots. Or cyborgs. Whatever. It's not cool. What really upset me, though, was the loss of my favorite weekend activity. Sunday morning political punditry.

Now that the whole NFL shebang is wrapped up, I could not possibly be more stoked. My weekend routine has been restored, and because it is the craziest election year evvaaaahhh (!!!!) every Sunday is like Christmas. Here's how it goes:
9am- This Week with George Stephanopoulos



I'm glad this guy kicks it off because his show is the easiest to handle. He's no hardship on the eyes, there's usually a minimum of shouting at his round table, and he shows clips of jokes from The Daily Show every week (among others, but I don't have cable so this is my only regular exposure to Jon Stewart). This way, Landon and I can focus on arguing over who is going to make the coffee (an argument I almost always lose) so that we are sufficiently caffeinated to deal with the more taxing programs.

10am- Meet The Press with Tim Russert

God, I love Tim Russert so much. Last Sunday, Nader came on the show to announce his candidacy and it was pretty clear that Russert only allowed this so he could be the first to publicly and politely ask him what the fuck was wrong with him. In different words of course, but the sentiment was the same. When they went to commercial, Russert wouldn't even look at him.

Another reason I love this show is the frequent inclusion of David Gregory (on whom I have a crush that even I don't understand) in the round table.



And because it's an election year, we shall soon see the return of Russert's white board, something I've been looking forward to since 2004!!



I love it!! Almost as much as I love...

11am- The McLaughlin Group

From the moment John McLaughlin barks "Issue One!!" at the shows' opening, to when he gives his often absurd prediction at shows' close, I am giddy as a school girl. A really, really dorky school girl. Some of my favorite things:

1. McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan have been working together since the Nixon years and it shows. The buddyhood between those two is palpable, and as you may know, buddyhood is one of my absolute favorite things in the whole world. Never in a million years did I think I would enjoy anything involving Pat Buchanan, but such is the power of The McLaughlin Group.

2. Clarence Page looks like a turtle, and I love it when people look like turtles.


3. Making fun of Monica Crowley (newest addition to the group, replacing Tony Blankley) and her sartorial choices. One week she showed up in prairie garb, allowing for a half hour's worth of Sarah, Plain and Tall and Deadwood jokes. The next week, she appeared to be rocking some sort of Melanie Griffith in Working Girl look. I'm pretty sure The McLaughlin Group set doesn't have the budget for a wardrobe person. Or a mirror. In all fairness, though, this is what she looks like on a good day:


Not bad, I guess. Anything's better than Tony Blankley. That guy is a motherfucker.

4. The aforementioned predictions. My all-time favorite is the time McLaughlin ended the show crowing, "Liquor is BACK!! Byyyyye-Bye!!!"

Fun with Google!

So, in the last post, I mentioned that image searching "thumbs up" was really fun, but it occurred to me later that this is an issue I feel deserves more attention. Not thumbs, but the fun that can be had with Google image search. Sometimes when I get bored, I image search words and phrases, and Voila! I'm not bored any more. (Google is not paying me for this, BTW, but they should be.) Like just now, I punched in "why is this so hard" and look what came up!



Thanks for the encouragement, Rosie!

Then I tried "what is hay?" and this is what I got:



Oh, I get it now!

I don't always ask questions. Sometimes I try to find emotions. Like "stoked."



I know exactly how he feels. For some reason, "stoked" pulled up a lot of gay porn. That happens to me a lot, because I always forget to turn on Safe Search. For a recent post, I tried to find an image to express giving up by searching "fuck it." I don't know why I was surprised at what it turned up. Sometimes I am such an innocent.

I also like to use Google Trends to entertain myself. This is where you can find out where the most people are searching for particular keywords. Like for example, here are the top 5 cities searching for "Fun":

1.	Sydney, Australia
2.	Melbourne, Australia
3.	Chicago, IL, USA
4.	Paris, France
5.	Atlanta, GA, USA

I wonder if these people are trying to figure out what fun is? Or where fun is?

These are the top 10 cities trying to figure out "gaydar":

1.	Watford, United Kingdom
2.	Edinburgh, United Kingdom
3.	Brentford, United Kingdom
4.	Birmingham, United Kingdom
5.	Reading, United Kingdom
6.	Poplar, United Kingdom
7.	Milton Keynes, United Kingdom
8.	Manchester, United Kingdom
9.	Sheffield, United Kingdom
10.	Thames Ditton, United Kingdom

I am laughing too hard to make up a joke about that.

Beverage Update!

So, I got around to tasting one of the Hi Ball energy drinks, and I gotta tell you, it is a keeper. It just tastes like sparkling water with a careless whisper of citrus-y goodness. Also, the carbonation is very light, like, the bubbles are super tiny, so it doesn't overwhelm your mouth the way cheap sparklers do. All in all, thumbs up!



p.s. I just want you guys to know that Google image searching "thumbs up" was one of the funnest things I've done all week. And this has been an exceptionally fun week. I suggest you try it the next time you are feeling down.

I Love Love!

While Valentine's Day is basically a crock of shit, I do endorse any celebration of Love. In honor of that sentiment, here are two of my all-time favorite love songs.

This first one is for those in love, either with a significant other or with the Wu-Tang.




Here's one for those of us who love strippers. Specifically, this goes out to that Puerto Rican girl in Portland.



Have a fun day, dudes!

Lost In The Supermarket

I do pretty much all my grocery shopping at an all-natural co-op. I love it there; all the food is organic, or at least preservative free, which I am an asshole about. But frankly, I have some needs that they will not fulfill, like Gatorade and cheap frozen pizzas, so sometimes I go to one of the big chains. Today I was in search of a drink called Zenergize, recommended by Mindy Kaling in one of her amazing blog posts. It's like Emergen-C powder, only it's a tablet that you add to water. Like if Emergen-C and Alka Seltzer (which I also adore) made sweet love and produced a delicious vitamin baby. I was unable to find it, even though I looked in two grocery stores, a drugstore and a bodega. I think they just keep more shit like that in stock in L.A. But! I did find a couple of super fun beverages I was heretofore unaware of.

1. Lipton Tea To Go



I am so into this whole "to go" thing. My mom sent me some of those Airborne To Go packets, and for like a week my greatest delight was hearing someone say they felt kind of sick so I could whip out one of those puppies all slick-like. I'm gonna throw a couple of these in my purse and just wait for someone to say they'd love some iced green tea. I'll be all, "Oh, really?" and get that shit down their gullet before they even know what's what. Being prepared rules.

2. Hi Ball Energy drink



God, I am such a sucker for adorable packaging. I haven't tasted these yet, so they might be totally gross, but they are unsweetened which is a definite plus. My sweet tooth is basically nonexistent, unlike 98% of Americans (It's a fact. I checked. Okay, not really). Finding beverages that aren't either packing like 48 grams of pure sugar, or some sick Splenda-type whatever is nearly impossible, so I drink coffee and lemon water pretty much exclusively. I'll let you know if this guy gets added to the rotation, but even if they are gross, I might just keep one around to look at. So pretty!

Let me know if you have seen Zenergize anywhere in Seattle. I still totally want to try it.