I was listening to Rick James this morning, and I couldn't stop wondering why he was never as big as Prince. I think I have an Idea:

Sex sells, and they were both pretty sexual dudes, both in content and packaging, right? But while Prince's lyrics were far, far filthier (compare Superfreak to Erotic City), he had a leg up on Rick as far as accessibility goes, and there was nothing to be done about it. Why, you ask?

Because Rick James was a big, man-ass dude:



who looks like he may actually do something real crazy to you, whereas Prince is an elf:




And if I've learned anything since Peter Jackson's Lord Of the Rings trilogy came out, it's that bitches love elves.



Also, this.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

About three days into Snowpocalypse '08: Nanook's Revenge, I was called out into the weather for a social engagement. By which I mean Ryann had me come meet her for coffee four blocks away from my house. It didn't seem that far, so I just threw on a sweater dress with leggings and legwarmers, tossed my coat and a scarf on top and headed out the door. Within two minutes of leaving my apartment I was miserable.



I warmed up pretty well in the coffee shop, but never to the point where I was totally comfortable. And then, in walked an object lesson.



A child!! (Not those specific children. I had to Google image search "bundled up", which is hella fun, by the way. But you get the point.) "Why," I asked myself, "did I not dress up like that?" The kid was covered from head to toe. Sweater, heavy coat, tough jeans, weather-appropraite boots, goofy little hat, gloves. The whole shebang! And it hit me! I need to bundle myself up as though I were my own mother! I don't know why this never occurred to me before. I am constantly momming everyone around me, offering them multivitamins and telling them they should get more sleep and when are they gonna bring me some grandbabies, etc. But momming myself! This is new.

Yesterday I made my first attempt at actualizing this concept. I donned thick tights, two pairs of tall socks, one pair of footie socks, jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, two sweaters, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, and huge rubber rainboots. And somehow the outfit even looked kind of chic, in a no visible flesh, New England-y kind of way. I was into it. So off I went, into this world of ice and snow, full of optimism.

And then came the heartbreak.

Seriously, you guys, I had barely made it across the street before I realized that my so-called "rain boots" had totally sprung a fucking leak and my feet were so wet and so cold and I had to go back home and try again.

I'm still a little upset. Give me a second.

Ugh.

Okay. So, now I'm thinking, "Wait a fucking second, I live in Seattle. How can I not have a functioning pair of rain boots? Because nothing else matters if my feet are wet, I don't care how warm the rest of me is. I need rain boots." But! I am still totally housebound, dudes!! Consequently, for the time being I am limited to internet shopping. I found some really great boots, though. Check 'em out.

1. Kind of Expensive, but Probably Worth It.



I could see myself wearing these boots pretty much every day until the weather clears up in like, mid-July. But I could also see myself getting bored because they are a little staid. So I found some more adventurous models.

2. Pucci!! Pucci!! Pucci!!

These boots are ridiculous and I love it. Plus I feel like they go really well with my imaginary dog, Miss J. Alexander.

Cute together, right?

3.I Am Not Sure If I Like These At All


But they seem sensible, or something. Y'know what? Fuck these boots. They remind me of a lady I used to work with at Starbucks that was really into those "Shopaholic" books. Gag me, right?

4. Yes, Please!

I was going to say that these are for when my inner eight year old girl comes out, and that you'd be surprised how frequently that occurs, but then I realized that if you are reading this you probably have a pretty good handle on that, in all actuality.

5. Also For The Eight-Year-Old

F! U! N! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you wanna eat them? It's like a bag of jelly beans decided to band together to protect your feet from the elements.

All Creatures Great and Small (are totally fucking crazy)

The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:

Fuck a Unicorn.

I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.


1. Platypus



I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about

2. Koalas!!



I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.

From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.^[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.^{[citation needed]} Both sexes possess a cloaca,^[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.

Okay!

3. Giant Squid

HELL.



TO.


THE.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.

4. Cuttlefish

Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.



Can you do that? I can't do that.

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

T.J. Cowgill is the father of some of my all-time favorite brain-babies.



Not only did he front one of my favorite bands (Teen Cthulhu, R.I.P.), and another band I really like (Book Of Black Earth, still alive), but he is also the dude behind Actual Pain, makers of rad t-shirts and apparel.


I am not sure what is going on in that second one but I like it.

And if that isn't enough for you, the Actual Pain website has excellent mixtapes that you can download for free. It's like a one-stop awesome shop. He should sponsor me. Hey T.J.! Are you reading this? Give me t-shirts.

Or, I guess I could just go to this and buy stuff for cheap.


Tidbit: One time, like four years ago, I ran into T.J. at a bar and he told me he was interested in rapping. Then he rapped at me for like 5 minutes about witches and wolves and shit. That dude is nothing if not consistent.

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.



That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.





See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.



That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.



2. Muppets



This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine


I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.


5. 15 minutes



That is all.

I Forgot!

Another pastime I am considering is learning how to dance like Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video. I figure it'll take me about three years.



I am most intrigued by what she does with her pelvis around the 52 second mark. What is that?!

Hey, Rahm, do you think it's a good idea?



I think so too. Do you wanna make out later?



I'll take that as a maybe.

Unexpected Bonus to Obama Presidency:

Sexy, sexy Congressman Rahm Emanuel as Chief Of Staff? Does this mean he'll be on Meet The Press a lot? Because that is exactly the change I need. Way to hold my interest, Barry.



I can't handle it.

A Delectable Dilemma

Okay, dudes, I am going to tell you something and I need you to reserve judgment for a minute. There is something I have not been able to get out of my head this week, and it might be a really terrible idea. It also might be the best idea I have ever had. Are you ready?

Potato chip nachos.

Bear (bare?) with me here. I'm not talking about some 7-11 nacho cheese bullshit. At least I don't think I am. I haven't worked out the details. But CheeseFest is this weekend, so maybe I'll find the appropriate cheese there. What worries me is that if I attempt this and it is gross, I will have wasted both potato chips and cheese, which is sad, sad, sad.

But!! What if it is totally awesome!! What if the powers of potato and cheese combine in a glorious alchemy to form the most retardedly delicious thing that has ever happened to me!!!!

I have a feeling that what would actually happen would be a near-perfect expression of one of my favorite words: Grawesome®.

Grawesome, as you may have guessed, is the delightful intersection of gross and awesome.

Some examples:



I love these fucking things. I only eat them about once a year, which is just enough time to forget how awful they make me feel.



I used to live on this shit.

Are you getting my point, here? Further, grawesome doesn't only apply to food.

I'm pretty sure Caralee is the only one who will back me up on this, but KFed is a stone grawesome fox. *



Popozao!

So, help me out, dudes. What cheese would work in the context of potato chip nachos? Or, should I just forget the whole idea? I'm so curious!!


*I just realized that Britney Spears' entire life is basically composed of grawesome. Whoa.

I don't read music blogs. There's too much to deal with! Too much new material to assimilate! Remixes, mash-ups, fan videos. Ugh. I find the entire prospect quite daunting. So it can take me a while to catch on to the hotness. Which brings us to our subject, Wiz Khalifa.


Look at that baby face! How old are you, Wiz? Wikipedia says he's twenty-one, but I am skeptical.

I really love Youngin' On His Grind. It came out September of last year, but I only found out about it a couple months ago (I never said I was an early adopter, you guys. In fact, I have often been heard to claim the opposite). This song has what I believe to be the ultimate hip hop chorus.

Money on the mind,
Hustlin' all the time.
All about the paper
Cuz the youngin' on his grind.

What else need be said? Nothing, that's what.

Apparently he's from Pittsburgh. In the aforementioned jam he shouts out Pistol-vania, which, if my map is correct, is somewhere near Connecti-cut-your-fucking-face.

Click here to check out the jam!

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.

Welcome to the Jungle

The squirrels that live around my building are fucking huge. I'd ceased to notice it until the other day, when I was in a different neighborhood. For a moment I thought that the squirrels in this other neighborhood were freakishly small, but then I realized that they were totally normal, and that I had just gotten used to ginormous squirrels. This doesn't bother me unless while looking at them I remember that a squirrel is only a rat with a cute, bushy tail.


Sometimes, in my minds eye, I strip them of the cute tail, and they become big, fat rats frolicking in the tree outside my window. I hate it when that happens.

Don't get me wrong, I like squirrels. I like the way they eat. I admire their brazenness. But I am sick of them. I want new animals roaming the city.
Specifically, these guys:



And these guys:




P.S. Remember a couple years ago when that bear was wandering around the U-District for a couple days?

Le Creuset

It wasn't long ago (think two weeks ago) that I couldn't say the phrase Dutch Oven without cracking up. Not that I support farting under blankets and forcing your loved ones to suffer in the odors. I just think it's funny. But now, I can't stop thinking about dutch ovens. the kitchen kind, not the fart kind.


I want a Le Creuset oven so bad it hurts. They come in a million great colors (I've got my heart set on Kiwi Green, as above), they last for-fucking-ever, and you can do loads of cool shit with them. You can bake bread in them, for God's sake. And!! Le Creuset is French, making it a French oven, so I won't think about gastrointestinal torture methods while I'm braising a delicious lamb shank or whatever. Bingo!!

Do any of you guys have dutch/french ovens? What do you make with them? Is it totally delicious? I want to know all about it.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 3

I am having a really hard time pulling it together today, dudes. I've had a shit ton of coffee. I keep making all these typos because my fingers keep tripping over themselves, like a kitten that is still learning how to run. No segues are springing to mind, so, umm, here we go!


1. Flight of the Conchords



This was another Mindy Kaling recommend (She is never, ever wrong, guys. Seriously.). I don't have cable, so I tend to be a little behind on a lot of great shows. I am so glad that I have caught up! I really enjoy Novelty Music, and so much the better when it is laid down by cute dudes with adorable accents. Rent it!!


2. All Purpose Pizza

This isn't so much something I am into right now, it's more something I am obsessed with all the time. All Purpose makes the best pizza I have ever had in my life. I know I am prone to hyperbole, but this shit is no joke. A couple weeks ago, I had a bite that was so perfect I very nearly cried. Over pizza. Here's the deal: the crust is sourdough, so it has this delicious tanginess to it. The sauce is made with reduced red wine, and I am drooling a little just thinking about it. My favorite topping of theirs is carmelized onions. The meatballs are great, too. And the website has really charming animation, though it is kind of a pain in the ass to navigate.


3. Slash



Slash is the coolest person who has ever lived, hands down. I am currently reading his autobiography, and it is awesome. Did you know that his mom had an affair with David Bowie? And that Slash was an insanely cute kid? Check this shit out:


Oh my god, right? When will they get cloning technology worked out so I can have a Baby Slash? I will pay top dollar.

3. Polyvore

I like to strategize my wardrobe several months in advance. Usually it's not too specific; a color scheme, or type of dress, or a concept, like, the Incognito Waitress. But that was before I found out about Polyvore. I'll let them explain it to you:
" Polyvore is a unique, easy-to-use web-based application for mixing and matching products from any online store. Items are pulled together into a visual set of products that can be shared with anyone. Each product within the set is then linked back to the online store where it is available for purchase."

The other day I decided I really want a pot leaf t-shirt, right? But I wasn't sure how I would wear it. "What goes with a pot leaf t-shirt?", I asked myself. So I went to Polyvore and worked it the fuck out!

Bam! Business taken care of!