PDXcuse Me

I owe Portland an apology.


In retrospect, I never had any real anger towards Portland itself. I'm pretty sure I was only mad because Portland kept luring away people I really like. And nothing makes me saltier than people I like moving away. Ugh. I'm sorry, okay, Portland? I was being a hater, and I apologize for talking shit. For, like, years.

I guess this change of heart has been in the works for a while. Me and the dude had a mini-vacay in P-Town (I can call it that now, right?) a couple years ago, and it was just lovely. Granted, we spent pretty much the entire time in strip clubs, smoking, drinking and carousing, and really, who wouldn't enjoy that? But I wasn't sold on Portland just yet. Until this morning, that is, when I found out about their food cart situation.




Apparently, Portland is awash with food carts, and nobody bothered to tell me about it.


View Portland Food Carts in a larger map

If that map were of Seattle there'd be, like, eight of those dot things. We are woefully lacking in food carts, which was much more of an actual problem back when I used to leave the house, but is still a blow to my hometown pride. What hurts the most, though, is that Junior Ambassadors cart exists and I have never been there. These guys specialize in weird ice cream flavors that make our ice cream "mavericks" look like a bunch of snivelling M.O.R. pussies (smoked salmon and cream cheese, you guys. Shit!), "panwiches" whatever that means, and being super fucking whimsical and adorable. Essentially, they are killing my life right now, and I will pretty much feel like half a person until I can convince someone (i.e. Landon) to drive me there. Look. This is how they choose to represent themselves:

AAAAAGH, why are they doing this to me?! You can read all about it at the Food Carts Portland blog. And while you're there, you might as well click around and start planning your food cart tour of Portland.

I feel good, you guys. I've never apologized to an entire city before (though there have been times when I certainly should have), and it's kind of delightfully cathartic. Maybe this will become a series. I have talked shit about a lot of places.
*

What it breaks down to is this: I kind of hate everywhere that isn't Seattle, just for not being Seattle. But what I am starting to realize is that just because I love my wife (Seattle), that doesn't mean I can't occasionally enjoy the charms of other women (cities). And maybe, just maybe, it's time to get me some strange. (Don't worry, this logic does not apply to my actual wife, by which I mean my actual husband, who, thank little baby Jesus, does not read this blog.)

* Did you know that if you Google image search "oops", you will see about a billion nip/labe slips? Neither did I, until about 3 minutes ago. Yowza.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 5

Oh, it feels good to be home. Let's get reacquainted with a new edition of What I'm Into Right Now!

1. Man vs. Wild



We've been watching the first season, and it's starting to cause a Green Acres style rift in my marriage. Landon watches this shit and wants to buy a flint and head for the rainforest. I, on the other hand, see an episode and want to rejoice in the awesome comforts of city living. When I see Bear Grylls crawling through a glacier tunnel or eating raw zebra, it makes me want to go downtown and buy, like, an anti-aging eye serum (even though I'm 26 and probably won't wrinkle anyway. Melanin, woot woot!), take a cab home, order a sloppy wet pizza, and eat it while watching Ghostbusters on streaming Netflix. But we keep watching it because it is incredibly entertaining and Bear Grylls is a fucking babe.



Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.


2. Pacific Galleries Antique Mall

Ryann took me to this place a couple months ago and I fell in love. It's basically a huge warehouse divided into stalls where antique dealers display their wares. It's kind of overwhelming at first, and a lot of the stalls are too cluttered to even deal with. Once you get past the initial shock, though, the place is full of gems. My favorite booths are the ones that reek of monomania. Like the one that is filled with hundreds of lamps, or the glass case filled with mid-century ladies' hats.


3. Geodes

When I look at a geode, it makes me really excited to live on this planet.



Seriously. That is rad.

4. White Truffle Oil



You guys. This stuff is kind of ruining my life. It pretty much smells awful if you're not in the act of eating it, but couldn't that be said of many of the most delicious foods? My buddy Cody turned me on to it, and now I crave it daily. Sometimes I sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and put a tiny drop of it on my tongue. Wow. I just read that last sentence back, and I gotta say, I'm a little disturbed. Anyway, you should try it!

Eat It Up With A Spoon

So, I have this tendency to ignore my stomach. I'll know I'm hungry for, like, an hour and won't do anything about it. Not out of some weird self-denial eating-disordery thing, but sheer laziness (I'm actually doing it right now). Then, by the time I decide to fix something to eat I am a whiny, stupid mess, due to my blood sugar being abysmally low. Landon can tell you about it. It's super-annoying, and probably one of my worst traits.

In order to counteract this, I try to have some food I've already prepared waiting for me in the fridge. That way, when I am starving but totally unable to cook because my brain is shutting down, I can just grab some delicious little whatever, and go back to being a semi-functional adult. And today, I'm gonna share the recipe for one of my delicious little whatevers!! Let's call it, umm,

Chelsea's Awesome Tuna Salad!!

Okay! You will need:

3 normal-sized cans of tuna, or 1 really big one
1 can x-large black olives
capers
green beans or asparagus
black beans (cooked)
dijon mustard
apple cider vinegar
olive oil
couscous or potatoes. or neither. it's your call. (Whoa, I just realized why I never write down recipes. Let's just call this an outline, then.)

So. Take a sealable container that will fit all this stuff (I like Pyrex) and dump your tuna, which you have already drained well, into the container. Add some dijon mustard, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I don't know how much I use, because I never measure. Maybe don't use too much mustard because it makes your nose feel crazy, yadaddamean? Oh!! Also, I like to use basil-infused olive oil for extra yumminess.


Mix all that stuff up and then start adding in the olives. I like to get the whole ones and break them up with my fingers. This is partly because I like to pop about every fourth olive into my mouth, but also I like to be really excessively intimate with my food. I've had a couple buddies observe that when I'm eating I stare my food down in a somewhat sexual way. I have also been told that I fondle my sandwiches. My hope is that my behavior is more charming than disgusting, but really there's nothing I can do about it, so fuck it.

Now you're gonna add the capers and black beans. You'll probably wanna use canned black beans, in which case just use half the can. As for the capers, it really depends on how much you like capers.


The green beans!! I have weird food allergies (no raw anything ever) so I use frozen green beans that I cook and cool before adding, but I bet raw or lightly steamed green beans would be delicious. Also, maybe some tasty little cherry tomatoes. Sometimes instead of the green beans I use asparagus, which is totally in season right now. Maybe throw in some parboiled potatoes, depending on your current relationship with carbohydrates. I bet broccoli would be good in this, too. God, I love vegetables.



Okay! So! Everything's mixed up all cozy, and all you need to do now is salt and pepper it. I like to serve it over couscous, because that shit cooks in two minutes, and sometimes I need a break from whole wheat pasta, which I eat every single day. If you make this let me know how it goes.

I have to go eat right now, I am freaking out.

A Delectable Dilemma

Okay, dudes, I am going to tell you something and I need you to reserve judgment for a minute. There is something I have not been able to get out of my head this week, and it might be a really terrible idea. It also might be the best idea I have ever had. Are you ready?

Potato chip nachos.

Bear (bare?) with me here. I'm not talking about some 7-11 nacho cheese bullshit. At least I don't think I am. I haven't worked out the details. But CheeseFest is this weekend, so maybe I'll find the appropriate cheese there. What worries me is that if I attempt this and it is gross, I will have wasted both potato chips and cheese, which is sad, sad, sad.

But!! What if it is totally awesome!! What if the powers of potato and cheese combine in a glorious alchemy to form the most retardedly delicious thing that has ever happened to me!!!!

I have a feeling that what would actually happen would be a near-perfect expression of one of my favorite words: Grawesome®.

Grawesome, as you may have guessed, is the delightful intersection of gross and awesome.

Some examples:



I love these fucking things. I only eat them about once a year, which is just enough time to forget how awful they make me feel.



I used to live on this shit.

Are you getting my point, here? Further, grawesome doesn't only apply to food.

I'm pretty sure Caralee is the only one who will back me up on this, but KFed is a stone grawesome fox. *



Popozao!

So, help me out, dudes. What cheese would work in the context of potato chip nachos? Or, should I just forget the whole idea? I'm so curious!!


*I just realized that Britney Spears' entire life is basically composed of grawesome. Whoa.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.

Big things happening here at Who Did What To Who HQ, by which I mean my apartment. I am in the middle of a massive Spring cleaning/redecorating (although, I am starting to question whether this can really be called Spring, calendars be damned. It fucking snowed last night!! What type of shit is that?!) and it is awesoooooome!! I am nesting like a motherfucker! I love it!

So far I have been focusing mainly on the kitchen. I cleaned out the cupboards, replaced the hideous Laura Ashley floral contact paper that has been driving me crazy for the last four years, removed some of the cupboard doors, and moved the fridge. I have a comically tiny galley kitchen, and moving the fridge opened it up a lot. Next up is the living room, which will mainly involve taming the media situation, and figuring out what to put on the walls, which I suck at.

The funnest thing about my current monomania is shopping on the webs for wonderful new things to bring into my freshly awesome-ified abode. Which brings me to the point: Lookit!



This lovely little dish is used for serving olive oil. As the ShopModi website describes, "when filled you see a series of concentric rings of greens in descending tones due to the depth of the oil in the dish." How rad is that?

And this fuckin' guy:



I love these hook boxes. They are incredibly practical, and so sleek. But they are almost impossible to acquire and are retardedly expensive. So much so that I refuse to type the exact price because it is so fucking stupid. I'm done talking about it. For now.



OH. MY. GOD. I love this lamp so much I just peed a little. And I will have it. Because it is only $68. Yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Ugh, I am having so much fun. Today I am going to Retrofit to see if they have any rad little trinkets that need to live at my house. Fuuuuuun!!!

Le Creuset

It wasn't long ago (think two weeks ago) that I couldn't say the phrase Dutch Oven without cracking up. Not that I support farting under blankets and forcing your loved ones to suffer in the odors. I just think it's funny. But now, I can't stop thinking about dutch ovens. the kitchen kind, not the fart kind.


I want a Le Creuset oven so bad it hurts. They come in a million great colors (I've got my heart set on Kiwi Green, as above), they last for-fucking-ever, and you can do loads of cool shit with them. You can bake bread in them, for God's sake. And!! Le Creuset is French, making it a French oven, so I won't think about gastrointestinal torture methods while I'm braising a delicious lamb shank or whatever. Bingo!!

Do any of you guys have dutch/french ovens? What do you make with them? Is it totally delicious? I want to know all about it.

Zenergize- Liveblog!!

Last weekend I found Zenergize at Whole Foods! (for back-story, go read this.) Shit is expensive, y'all. It was like, 9 bucks for a tube of ten tablets! But I had to find out if it was awesome. I'm curious like a cat. That's why my friends call me Whiskers.

So, in order to fully document the Zenergize experience, I will liveblog all the action startiiiiiing... now!

9:21am- I have opened the Zenergize tube and removed one tablet. I smell the tablet. It smells like peaches. Hopefully it doesn't have too much actual peach in it, as I am allergic to raw fruit. But now that I think about it, there is no way to get a raw peach into a tablet.
9:23am- I have just dropped the tablet into a glass of water. It is fizzing, as was expected. While it dissolves, I will pay attention to the Paula Abdul album I am listening to this morning. Did you know that Paula Abdul is hella Jewish? I just learned that this morning. I read her Wikipedia article.
9:25am- The tablet is almost done dissolving. Are you excited? I am.
9:26am- Still dissolving. What's that adage about the watched tablet?
9:27am- I just read the tube, and it suggests breaking the little fucker in half so it dissolves faster. I wish I'd done that because I am starting to get bored. Paula Abdul's Spellbound is just not as good right now as it was when I was 9. Remember the Rush, Rush video, where she got all Rebel Without a Cause with Keanu Reeves? Speaking of Keanu Reeves, I heard he's dating Parker Posey. that's weird, right?
9:31am- It's finally done dissolving!! that took eight fucking minutes! Okay, I'm gonna take a sip...
9:32am- OH MY GOD IT IS DELICIOUS. more sipping.
9:33am- P. Abdul album has definitely taken a turn for the worse. It's gone all Paul Simon Graceland imperialist African romanticizing bullshit. more sipping.
9:37am- Album almost over. I have decided to listen to The Stooges, but I can't decide which album.
9:38am-I have decided to go with Raw Power.
9:39am- Oh, man, that was a good decision.
9:40am- Zenergize remains delicious and is almost gone.
9:41am- Gone. That was fun. Did I mention that it had caffeine in it? It doesn't say how much, though. I really think beverages should tell you how much caffeine is in them so you can plan accordingly.


Well, that was fun. I'm gonna go eat something delicious. Have a fun day, dudes!

More!!!

10:06am- I. FEEL. AWESOME. The caffeine has kicked in and I think it is kind of a lot dudes.
10:08am- I just got up on my bed and danced like the kid in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. but with less jumping up and down because I have a futon.
10:25- Okay, I am starting to feel a little crazy....CRAZY AWESOME!!!!
10:51- I seem to have leveled out, and feel like a normal human being again.

The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program

I love food. I love thinking about food, I love talking about food. I love eating food, but only slightly more than I love preparing food. I fucking love food. Strange then, that it has only recently occurred to me to try reading about food.

When I got Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential from the library a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any ideas in mind other than reading it, but things took on a life of their own pretty quickly once I remembered that he'd also done a celebrity playlist for Rhapsody, and that it was really good. So I decided that I would listen to this playlist while reading the book. It's not often that books come with their own soundtrack, right? Then I remembered that there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox a couple years back, based on Kitchen Confidential. And hey, what about No Reservations, Bourdain's Eat-My-Way-Around-The-World show?

Thus, The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program was born.



Dudes, I have been having so much fun. And it's not like I've learned a whole lot of new stuff. Mostly homie has just reminded me to take a few key things seriously.

1. Ingredients
Last Saturday I had one of the best meals of my life, no joke. I sauteed an onion and a few cloves of garlic, threw in some fresh sage, poured white wine over it and after it had reduced to my satisfaction, sopped it up with Pain Campagne from Dahlia Bakery. Crazy simple, but it was completely amazing because every ingredient was quality.

2. Knives
I use one knife for everything, so why not take care of it? I've decided to start sharpening my knife regularly. My buddy Cody works at a knife store in the Market, it's just a matter of getting myself down there for a tutorial. Plus, it looks really fun.

3. The Stooges
Here's that playlist I was talking about.
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Mix
No revelations, but it reminded me that everything is awesome when you are listening to The Stooges. The other day me and Landon were doing the most mundane shit possible (mending pants and filing taxes, respectively) but it felt totally fucking rad, because we were listening to Fun House.

4. Calling Bullshit on Rachael Ray
This was Bourdain's response when asked why he picks on Rachael Ray:
"Well, she can take it. She’s incredibly powerful, very successful, far more loved than I am… so it’s not like I’m hurting her. And on the other hand, she genuinely offends me. I compare her to, the standard I hold her to — foolishly, perhaps– is Julia Child, who wasn’t a professional chef either. When you watched Julia Child, you would see her make Coq au Vin, or some classic French dish, and you’d say “Wow, that’s classic French food, that’s not so difficult. Julia can do it, I can do it. I’m gonna try that.” And it made people aspire to more.

I think when Rachael tells you that it’s perfectly OK to buy a pre-chopped onion from the supermarket… I mean how hard is it to chop an onion? What you take away from Rachael Ray is “I could cook that! I feel better about myself now. I’m not gonna cook that! But I will finish this bag of Cheetos and that gallon jug of Diet Pepsi before dying of diabetes.”

And just to illustrate his point, this video includes a tutorial on how to properly dice an onion: