Bobby!

Lately, I've been thinking about the RZA a lot. And when I say "lately", I mean for about twelve years. I guess what I should say is that I have been thinking about the RZA even more than I normally do, and for two reasons:

1. Wuchess.com



I am really tempted to join Wuchess, even though I am not a skilled enough chess player to get to the point where I could play the RZA (that being the obvious draw). I want to join out of an almost sense of obligation, as it was the Wu-Tang Clan's influence that got me to play chess in the first place. Well, that and my brother's hectoring.

2. RZA as Bobby Digital
I have tickets to see RZA next week, and after ten years of failed attempts, I firmly believe I will actually see him this time. It almost happened this last December when I saw the rest of the Clan, but they were beefing pretty hard with R. Diggs at that point, so he was the only member absent. I was heartbroken. Fucking Capadonna was there, but no RZA.



But this time it's just him, and he's pretty responsible these days, right? Knock wood. Ugh, now I'm starting to doubt it. I'd say "fool me twice", but these Wu motherfuckers have burned me like, eight times. I'm an optimist, but they make it very difficult for me sometimes.

Update: I forgot to say this before, but I'm pretty sure I heard the RZA yelling "Bobby!" in the background on an episode of The Wire. Check it out. 3rd season 2nd episode, when Herc is telling Carver about his naked pastry chef fantasy.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 5

Oh, it feels good to be home. Let's get reacquainted with a new edition of What I'm Into Right Now!

1. Man vs. Wild



We've been watching the first season, and it's starting to cause a Green Acres style rift in my marriage. Landon watches this shit and wants to buy a flint and head for the rainforest. I, on the other hand, see an episode and want to rejoice in the awesome comforts of city living. When I see Bear Grylls crawling through a glacier tunnel or eating raw zebra, it makes me want to go downtown and buy, like, an anti-aging eye serum (even though I'm 26 and probably won't wrinkle anyway. Melanin, woot woot!), take a cab home, order a sloppy wet pizza, and eat it while watching Ghostbusters on streaming Netflix. But we keep watching it because it is incredibly entertaining and Bear Grylls is a fucking babe.



Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.


2. Pacific Galleries Antique Mall

Ryann took me to this place a couple months ago and I fell in love. It's basically a huge warehouse divided into stalls where antique dealers display their wares. It's kind of overwhelming at first, and a lot of the stalls are too cluttered to even deal with. Once you get past the initial shock, though, the place is full of gems. My favorite booths are the ones that reek of monomania. Like the one that is filled with hundreds of lamps, or the glass case filled with mid-century ladies' hats.


3. Geodes

When I look at a geode, it makes me really excited to live on this planet.



Seriously. That is rad.

4. White Truffle Oil



You guys. This stuff is kind of ruining my life. It pretty much smells awful if you're not in the act of eating it, but couldn't that be said of many of the most delicious foods? My buddy Cody turned me on to it, and now I crave it daily. Sometimes I sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and put a tiny drop of it on my tongue. Wow. I just read that last sentence back, and I gotta say, I'm a little disturbed. Anyway, you should try it!

Right Now

I am listening to Tha Carter III.

Fucking finally.

Eat It Up With A Spoon

So, I have this tendency to ignore my stomach. I'll know I'm hungry for, like, an hour and won't do anything about it. Not out of some weird self-denial eating-disordery thing, but sheer laziness (I'm actually doing it right now). Then, by the time I decide to fix something to eat I am a whiny, stupid mess, due to my blood sugar being abysmally low. Landon can tell you about it. It's super-annoying, and probably one of my worst traits.

In order to counteract this, I try to have some food I've already prepared waiting for me in the fridge. That way, when I am starving but totally unable to cook because my brain is shutting down, I can just grab some delicious little whatever, and go back to being a semi-functional adult. And today, I'm gonna share the recipe for one of my delicious little whatevers!! Let's call it, umm,

Chelsea's Awesome Tuna Salad!!

Okay! You will need:

3 normal-sized cans of tuna, or 1 really big one
1 can x-large black olives
capers
green beans or asparagus
black beans (cooked)
dijon mustard
apple cider vinegar
olive oil
couscous or potatoes. or neither. it's your call. (Whoa, I just realized why I never write down recipes. Let's just call this an outline, then.)

So. Take a sealable container that will fit all this stuff (I like Pyrex) and dump your tuna, which you have already drained well, into the container. Add some dijon mustard, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I don't know how much I use, because I never measure. Maybe don't use too much mustard because it makes your nose feel crazy, yadaddamean? Oh!! Also, I like to use basil-infused olive oil for extra yumminess.


Mix all that stuff up and then start adding in the olives. I like to get the whole ones and break them up with my fingers. This is partly because I like to pop about every fourth olive into my mouth, but also I like to be really excessively intimate with my food. I've had a couple buddies observe that when I'm eating I stare my food down in a somewhat sexual way. I have also been told that I fondle my sandwiches. My hope is that my behavior is more charming than disgusting, but really there's nothing I can do about it, so fuck it.

Now you're gonna add the capers and black beans. You'll probably wanna use canned black beans, in which case just use half the can. As for the capers, it really depends on how much you like capers.


The green beans!! I have weird food allergies (no raw anything ever) so I use frozen green beans that I cook and cool before adding, but I bet raw or lightly steamed green beans would be delicious. Also, maybe some tasty little cherry tomatoes. Sometimes instead of the green beans I use asparagus, which is totally in season right now. Maybe throw in some parboiled potatoes, depending on your current relationship with carbohydrates. I bet broccoli would be good in this, too. God, I love vegetables.



Okay! So! Everything's mixed up all cozy, and all you need to do now is salt and pepper it. I like to serve it over couscous, because that shit cooks in two minutes, and sometimes I need a break from whole wheat pasta, which I eat every single day. If you make this let me know how it goes.

I have to go eat right now, I am freaking out.

A Delectable Dilemma

Okay, dudes, I am going to tell you something and I need you to reserve judgment for a minute. There is something I have not been able to get out of my head this week, and it might be a really terrible idea. It also might be the best idea I have ever had. Are you ready?

Potato chip nachos.

Bear (bare?) with me here. I'm not talking about some 7-11 nacho cheese bullshit. At least I don't think I am. I haven't worked out the details. But CheeseFest is this weekend, so maybe I'll find the appropriate cheese there. What worries me is that if I attempt this and it is gross, I will have wasted both potato chips and cheese, which is sad, sad, sad.

But!! What if it is totally awesome!! What if the powers of potato and cheese combine in a glorious alchemy to form the most retardedly delicious thing that has ever happened to me!!!!

I have a feeling that what would actually happen would be a near-perfect expression of one of my favorite words: Grawesome®.

Grawesome, as you may have guessed, is the delightful intersection of gross and awesome.

Some examples:



I love these fucking things. I only eat them about once a year, which is just enough time to forget how awful they make me feel.



I used to live on this shit.

Are you getting my point, here? Further, grawesome doesn't only apply to food.

I'm pretty sure Caralee is the only one who will back me up on this, but KFed is a stone grawesome fox. *



Popozao!

So, help me out, dudes. What cheese would work in the context of potato chip nachos? Or, should I just forget the whole idea? I'm so curious!!


*I just realized that Britney Spears' entire life is basically composed of grawesome. Whoa.

I don't read music blogs. There's too much to deal with! Too much new material to assimilate! Remixes, mash-ups, fan videos. Ugh. I find the entire prospect quite daunting. So it can take me a while to catch on to the hotness. Which brings us to our subject, Wiz Khalifa.


Look at that baby face! How old are you, Wiz? Wikipedia says he's twenty-one, but I am skeptical.

I really love Youngin' On His Grind. It came out September of last year, but I only found out about it a couple months ago (I never said I was an early adopter, you guys. In fact, I have often been heard to claim the opposite). This song has what I believe to be the ultimate hip hop chorus.

Money on the mind,
Hustlin' all the time.
All about the paper
Cuz the youngin' on his grind.

What else need be said? Nothing, that's what.

Apparently he's from Pittsburgh. In the aforementioned jam he shouts out Pistol-vania, which, if my map is correct, is somewhere near Connecti-cut-your-fucking-face.

Click here to check out the jam!

All One!!

I am highly suspicious of the beauty industry. Let's take mascara, for instance. Do they really expect me to believe that mascara scientists have made a revolutionary discovery every three months, for the last, like forever? One month it's a polyamide (or what the fuck ever) in the formula, then it's all about some curling agent bullshit, and then they're literally trying to sell me on a magic wand. It's exhausting, and extends across the industry. Will someone please tell me what the fuck a "body ribbon" is supposed to be? I have an entire cabinet in my bathroom full of half used products, mostly body washes and lotions, bearing various promises of silky skin and whatnot.

Problematically, I am also very, very gullible. Add my natural curiosity to this mix and we have an explanation for the probable hundreds of dollars I have spent on faddish beauty products over the years. Maybe even thousands. Ugh. I'm kind of bumming myself out.

But I'm working it out, you guys!! And I have a plan! I am currently experimenting with Dr Bronner's Magic Soap.



According to the Doc, his soap can be used for the whole body, including hair and teeth. I'm leaving my teeth out of this, because I really love my toothpaste, but I'm gonna use it on everything else and see what happens! While I've been using it on my body for months, yesterday I used it as my shampoo and face wash as well, and I gotta say, dudes, I look pretty good. Also, it was the easiest shower ever. I only had one bottle to focus on. And focus I did!! Have you ever read the shit written on the Dr. Bronner's label? I love it!! My favorite parts:

"Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water and soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!"

"ENJOY BODY RUB TO STIMULATE BODY MIND-SOUL-SPIRIT AND TEACH THE ESSENE MORAL ABC UNITING ALL FREE IN THE SHEPHERD-ASTRONOMER ISRAEL'S GREATEST ALL-ONE-GOD-FAITH!"

Sure! Why not?

I made a diagram of why I like this soap.



On a similar note, I am currently fascinated with the concept of one product for all my moisturizing needs. Kiehl's recently came out with this little wonder:



I tried it out on my hands and it was awesome. Also, it has a delightful citrusy smell that I would not mind having all over my body. Very springtime appropriate. When wearing a sundress, one should also smell like a lemon. Fact.

However, I am understandably sketched out by the price, and I'm not entirely sure that I believe in "dry oil." So. I'm gonna go take a shower with Dr Bronner's soap, and then I'm gonna just use almond oil on my body and face and see what happens. Wish me luck!