Baby, It's Cold Outside

About three days into Snowpocalypse '08: Nanook's Revenge, I was called out into the weather for a social engagement. By which I mean Ryann had me come meet her for coffee four blocks away from my house. It didn't seem that far, so I just threw on a sweater dress with leggings and legwarmers, tossed my coat and a scarf on top and headed out the door. Within two minutes of leaving my apartment I was miserable.



I warmed up pretty well in the coffee shop, but never to the point where I was totally comfortable. And then, in walked an object lesson.



A child!! (Not those specific children. I had to Google image search "bundled up", which is hella fun, by the way. But you get the point.) "Why," I asked myself, "did I not dress up like that?" The kid was covered from head to toe. Sweater, heavy coat, tough jeans, weather-appropraite boots, goofy little hat, gloves. The whole shebang! And it hit me! I need to bundle myself up as though I were my own mother! I don't know why this never occurred to me before. I am constantly momming everyone around me, offering them multivitamins and telling them they should get more sleep and when are they gonna bring me some grandbabies, etc. But momming myself! This is new.

Yesterday I made my first attempt at actualizing this concept. I donned thick tights, two pairs of tall socks, one pair of footie socks, jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, two sweaters, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, and huge rubber rainboots. And somehow the outfit even looked kind of chic, in a no visible flesh, New England-y kind of way. I was into it. So off I went, into this world of ice and snow, full of optimism.

And then came the heartbreak.

Seriously, you guys, I had barely made it across the street before I realized that my so-called "rain boots" had totally sprung a fucking leak and my feet were so wet and so cold and I had to go back home and try again.

I'm still a little upset. Give me a second.

Ugh.

Okay. So, now I'm thinking, "Wait a fucking second, I live in Seattle. How can I not have a functioning pair of rain boots? Because nothing else matters if my feet are wet, I don't care how warm the rest of me is. I need rain boots." But! I am still totally housebound, dudes!! Consequently, for the time being I am limited to internet shopping. I found some really great boots, though. Check 'em out.

1. Kind of Expensive, but Probably Worth It.



I could see myself wearing these boots pretty much every day until the weather clears up in like, mid-July. But I could also see myself getting bored because they are a little staid. So I found some more adventurous models.

2. Pucci!! Pucci!! Pucci!!

These boots are ridiculous and I love it. Plus I feel like they go really well with my imaginary dog, Miss J. Alexander.

Cute together, right?

3.I Am Not Sure If I Like These At All


But they seem sensible, or something. Y'know what? Fuck these boots. They remind me of a lady I used to work with at Starbucks that was really into those "Shopaholic" books. Gag me, right?

4. Yes, Please!

I was going to say that these are for when my inner eight year old girl comes out, and that you'd be surprised how frequently that occurs, but then I realized that if you are reading this you probably have a pretty good handle on that, in all actuality.

5. Also For The Eight-Year-Old

F! U! N! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you wanna eat them? It's like a bag of jelly beans decided to band together to protect your feet from the elements.

Cornel West, Style Icon

Cornel West, philosopher, scholar, pastor, all-around really busy person, has something to teach you that has nothing to do with race, religion or politics. Observe:

Here he is being adorable before dinner



With some lovely peeps at some sort of mixer:







Gesticulating.




Thinking...



Thinking really hard...



Y'know what he's not thinking about? What to wear. Because he wears the exact same thing every day. If it's cold, he wears a scarf.



If it's warm, he takes it off.



Especially if he is spitting hot fire. (Perhaps for this? Trust me, buddy, you really wanna check out that link.)

This has inspired me! I'm saying, fuck a wardrobe. I want a uniform. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get dressed every day? Sometimes it takes, like, 45 minutes! It is fucked up. Too much of my mental real estate is taken up by this daily struggle.

So. With some help from Polyvore, I have created a mock-up of my new uniform.


uniform by roxy5moxy

I will be wearing this (or at least something that closely resembles this outfit) from here on out, or until I get bored. I'm wearing it right now! We'll see if I get me any smarter as a result.

Magic Potion

Season changes are the worst, man. Yeah, there's the whole promise-of-a-new-day, Paula Abdul-y thing. And, sure, the leaves are all beautiful and shit. But it is really hard to enjoy all of that when I feel like a turd on a cracker.

(I considered including an image of fake poop here, but that would be super gross and I like you too much to put you through that. So, you're welcome, I guess.)

I felt bad, dudes. Just sluggish and forgetful and gross. Plus, I had developed one giant zit right on top of my cheekbone. I normally have devastatingly clear skin, so this was quite a blow to my self-image. I felt like I had been eating pizza every day for weeks without the actual fun of eating pizza. God, I love pizza.



And then I remembered that I had decided to attempt some health-nutting. This created an awesome convergence of motivators (vanity, internet promises, distaste for physical exertion) that happened to coincide with a paycheck, leading me to this solution.



This shit got me high, y'all. I knew anti-oxidants were good for you, but I had no idea they would make me feel like I just got back from a yoga retreat where I won a Nobel Prize and married Rahm Emanuel. I felt so good it was weirding people out. Sometimes you really can buy your way out of a problem!



True dat!

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.



That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.





See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.



That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.



2. Muppets



This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine


I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.


5. 15 minutes



That is all.

Okay, dudes. The election is over and I don't know what to do. For the last few months I have immersed myself in political news for up to five hours a day, which was not the healthiest behavior, but God, was it fun. But it's over! Barack Obama is President-Elect of the Galaxy, Joey Buttons is busy getting his mane refurbished for Inauguration Day, Sarah Palin took her kooky ass back to the tundra, and Walnuts McCain was last seen yelling at kids to get off his lawn somewhere in Real America. Ugh, I miss the campaign already.

I need a hobby!! I've been working on a list of possible ways to spend my time. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Charcuterie

Have I ever told you how much I love cured meats? If it wasn't so expensive, I would snack on salami slices like chips. My Death Row meal would be prosciutto lasagna. One time I saw David Allen Grier on the Martha Stewart Show talking about how he made his own prosciutto. It was inspiring. I think it's time I got around to curin' some meats!!

Culinary Communion in Beacon Hill has a monthly 5-hour class that just might fit the bill. They have a bunch of other classes that sound great, like Handmade Pasta, Stocks and Sauces, and Truffles (oh my god yes).

2.Let's Learn Spanish!!



When I was eight, me and my mom lived in Mexico City for 6 months. I arrived fluent in swear words (thanks Grandma!), but unable to speak the language in any functional way. I left straight-up fluent, but I was so mad at Mexico that I refused to speak Spanish once we got back to the states, and I lost the language completely. I think it's time to forgive (I already forgot) and relearn the language of my people (on Mom's side). Or not. Now that I think about it, it sounds kind of boring.

3. Getting Wonky With It



I've decided to keep my head in the game and stay up to date on policy. I probably would have been doing a better job of this all along had I not been suffering through an administration that made me want to stab myself in the head for the last eight years. I'm looking forward to getting really dorky about it, now that I won't be distracted by skyrocketing blood pressure every time I try to read up on politics. But I will also try to moderate my intake.

4. Health-Nuttery


This one is kind of a challenge for me, since I am allergic to raw fruits and vegetables. No, really. So I have to get really creative to eat healthy, and I have to count on a lot of supplements. Fortunately, shopping for supplements is my idea of a good time. The more expensive and frivolous, the better. Maybe I'll start drinking Borba Skin Care Water. That sounds fun. But I draw the line at actually working out.

Is there anything else I should consider? What do you do for fun? I really want to know.

Carol's Daughter

Remember when I decided I would only use two beauty products for my entire body? Well, it did not work out, you guys. My scalp itched, like, constantly, and my hair was limp and tired. It had no body at the crown, which I've been told is very (very) important. My skin was, to put it mildly, sub-ethereal. Oh, I was sad. While I am still fully freaked out by unregulated chemicals in the shit that I put on my face (!!!), I am simply too vain to stay the course. So, off to Sephora I went. (For the record, I fucking hate Sephora, but their particular brand of awfulness has been well-documented, so I'll stick to the story.)

Now, I was already aware of Carol's Daughter products, thanks to the lovely Mindy Kaling, but had never come across them in person. And while I normally defer to Mindy Kaling in all matters, Carol's Daughter is also endorsed by Jada Pinkett Smith, a women whose tastes I find questionable at best (Wicked Wisdom, anyone?). Sephora carries their hair and body products, and I was excited to check them out. One thing though: how exactly am I supposed to assess a hair product without actually using it? Do you know what I mean? I tried rubbing something on the back of my hand, but all it did was make me feel like a girl with hair stuff on the back of her hand. It also made me smell like Erykah Badu.



Not that smelling like Ms. Badu is a terrible thing, but I am a busy woman, and I don't need strangers stopping me to ask where the nearest slam poetry reading is every time I leave the house. And anyway, Black Hippie-ness is a slippery fucking slope. One moment you're just trying to find a paraben-free moisturizer and the next thing you know you're at Waid's Haitian Lounge talking to some dude in a Dead Prez t-shirt about Frantz Fanon, and you're totally okay with the word "punani." Or so I'm told. (BTW, just typing out "punani" almost made me yak.)

But I persevered, dudes. I waded through the whole product line until I found one that seemed geared toward my needs; a curl product that has lots of moisturizers and offers control, but does not shellac, and is free of scary baddie chemicals! Plus, it smells like lemongrass and roses, which doesn't evoke any goofy sub-cultures that I am aware of. It's called Hair Milk and I am into it. Apparently it won some Best of Sephora award, which is kind of impressive considering how many products they carry, but whatever. All I know is that I used it and now I look purty. Happy ending!!


Quick Programming Note: Sorry I haven't written in so long, but I got a day job this summer, so now I'm rich but I'm low on time. So it goes! I'll try to be here more, whatever that means.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 5

Oh, it feels good to be home. Let's get reacquainted with a new edition of What I'm Into Right Now!

1. Man vs. Wild



We've been watching the first season, and it's starting to cause a Green Acres style rift in my marriage. Landon watches this shit and wants to buy a flint and head for the rainforest. I, on the other hand, see an episode and want to rejoice in the awesome comforts of city living. When I see Bear Grylls crawling through a glacier tunnel or eating raw zebra, it makes me want to go downtown and buy, like, an anti-aging eye serum (even though I'm 26 and probably won't wrinkle anyway. Melanin, woot woot!), take a cab home, order a sloppy wet pizza, and eat it while watching Ghostbusters on streaming Netflix. But we keep watching it because it is incredibly entertaining and Bear Grylls is a fucking babe.



Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.


2. Pacific Galleries Antique Mall

Ryann took me to this place a couple months ago and I fell in love. It's basically a huge warehouse divided into stalls where antique dealers display their wares. It's kind of overwhelming at first, and a lot of the stalls are too cluttered to even deal with. Once you get past the initial shock, though, the place is full of gems. My favorite booths are the ones that reek of monomania. Like the one that is filled with hundreds of lamps, or the glass case filled with mid-century ladies' hats.


3. Geodes

When I look at a geode, it makes me really excited to live on this planet.



Seriously. That is rad.

4. White Truffle Oil



You guys. This stuff is kind of ruining my life. It pretty much smells awful if you're not in the act of eating it, but couldn't that be said of many of the most delicious foods? My buddy Cody turned me on to it, and now I crave it daily. Sometimes I sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and put a tiny drop of it on my tongue. Wow. I just read that last sentence back, and I gotta say, I'm a little disturbed. Anyway, you should try it!

All One!!

I am highly suspicious of the beauty industry. Let's take mascara, for instance. Do they really expect me to believe that mascara scientists have made a revolutionary discovery every three months, for the last, like forever? One month it's a polyamide (or what the fuck ever) in the formula, then it's all about some curling agent bullshit, and then they're literally trying to sell me on a magic wand. It's exhausting, and extends across the industry. Will someone please tell me what the fuck a "body ribbon" is supposed to be? I have an entire cabinet in my bathroom full of half used products, mostly body washes and lotions, bearing various promises of silky skin and whatnot.

Problematically, I am also very, very gullible. Add my natural curiosity to this mix and we have an explanation for the probable hundreds of dollars I have spent on faddish beauty products over the years. Maybe even thousands. Ugh. I'm kind of bumming myself out.

But I'm working it out, you guys!! And I have a plan! I am currently experimenting with Dr Bronner's Magic Soap.



According to the Doc, his soap can be used for the whole body, including hair and teeth. I'm leaving my teeth out of this, because I really love my toothpaste, but I'm gonna use it on everything else and see what happens! While I've been using it on my body for months, yesterday I used it as my shampoo and face wash as well, and I gotta say, dudes, I look pretty good. Also, it was the easiest shower ever. I only had one bottle to focus on. And focus I did!! Have you ever read the shit written on the Dr. Bronner's label? I love it!! My favorite parts:

"Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water and soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!"

"ENJOY BODY RUB TO STIMULATE BODY MIND-SOUL-SPIRIT AND TEACH THE ESSENE MORAL ABC UNITING ALL FREE IN THE SHEPHERD-ASTRONOMER ISRAEL'S GREATEST ALL-ONE-GOD-FAITH!"

Sure! Why not?

I made a diagram of why I like this soap.



On a similar note, I am currently fascinated with the concept of one product for all my moisturizing needs. Kiehl's recently came out with this little wonder:



I tried it out on my hands and it was awesome. Also, it has a delightful citrusy smell that I would not mind having all over my body. Very springtime appropriate. When wearing a sundress, one should also smell like a lemon. Fact.

However, I am understandably sketched out by the price, and I'm not entirely sure that I believe in "dry oil." So. I'm gonna go take a shower with Dr Bronner's soap, and then I'm gonna just use almond oil on my body and face and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Big things happening here at Who Did What To Who HQ, by which I mean my apartment. I am in the middle of a massive Spring cleaning/redecorating (although, I am starting to question whether this can really be called Spring, calendars be damned. It fucking snowed last night!! What type of shit is that?!) and it is awesoooooome!! I am nesting like a motherfucker! I love it!

So far I have been focusing mainly on the kitchen. I cleaned out the cupboards, replaced the hideous Laura Ashley floral contact paper that has been driving me crazy for the last four years, removed some of the cupboard doors, and moved the fridge. I have a comically tiny galley kitchen, and moving the fridge opened it up a lot. Next up is the living room, which will mainly involve taming the media situation, and figuring out what to put on the walls, which I suck at.

The funnest thing about my current monomania is shopping on the webs for wonderful new things to bring into my freshly awesome-ified abode. Which brings me to the point: Lookit!



This lovely little dish is used for serving olive oil. As the ShopModi website describes, "when filled you see a series of concentric rings of greens in descending tones due to the depth of the oil in the dish." How rad is that?

And this fuckin' guy:



I love these hook boxes. They are incredibly practical, and so sleek. But they are almost impossible to acquire and are retardedly expensive. So much so that I refuse to type the exact price because it is so fucking stupid. I'm done talking about it. For now.



OH. MY. GOD. I love this lamp so much I just peed a little. And I will have it. Because it is only $68. Yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Ugh, I am having so much fun. Today I am going to Retrofit to see if they have any rad little trinkets that need to live at my house. Fuuuuuun!!!

Le Creuset

It wasn't long ago (think two weeks ago) that I couldn't say the phrase Dutch Oven without cracking up. Not that I support farting under blankets and forcing your loved ones to suffer in the odors. I just think it's funny. But now, I can't stop thinking about dutch ovens. the kitchen kind, not the fart kind.


I want a Le Creuset oven so bad it hurts. They come in a million great colors (I've got my heart set on Kiwi Green, as above), they last for-fucking-ever, and you can do loads of cool shit with them. You can bake bread in them, for God's sake. And!! Le Creuset is French, making it a French oven, so I won't think about gastrointestinal torture methods while I'm braising a delicious lamb shank or whatever. Bingo!!

Do any of you guys have dutch/french ovens? What do you make with them? Is it totally delicious? I want to know all about it.

Zenergize- Liveblog!!

Last weekend I found Zenergize at Whole Foods! (for back-story, go read this.) Shit is expensive, y'all. It was like, 9 bucks for a tube of ten tablets! But I had to find out if it was awesome. I'm curious like a cat. That's why my friends call me Whiskers.

So, in order to fully document the Zenergize experience, I will liveblog all the action startiiiiiing... now!

9:21am- I have opened the Zenergize tube and removed one tablet. I smell the tablet. It smells like peaches. Hopefully it doesn't have too much actual peach in it, as I am allergic to raw fruit. But now that I think about it, there is no way to get a raw peach into a tablet.
9:23am- I have just dropped the tablet into a glass of water. It is fizzing, as was expected. While it dissolves, I will pay attention to the Paula Abdul album I am listening to this morning. Did you know that Paula Abdul is hella Jewish? I just learned that this morning. I read her Wikipedia article.
9:25am- The tablet is almost done dissolving. Are you excited? I am.
9:26am- Still dissolving. What's that adage about the watched tablet?
9:27am- I just read the tube, and it suggests breaking the little fucker in half so it dissolves faster. I wish I'd done that because I am starting to get bored. Paula Abdul's Spellbound is just not as good right now as it was when I was 9. Remember the Rush, Rush video, where she got all Rebel Without a Cause with Keanu Reeves? Speaking of Keanu Reeves, I heard he's dating Parker Posey. that's weird, right?
9:31am- It's finally done dissolving!! that took eight fucking minutes! Okay, I'm gonna take a sip...
9:32am- OH MY GOD IT IS DELICIOUS. more sipping.
9:33am- P. Abdul album has definitely taken a turn for the worse. It's gone all Paul Simon Graceland imperialist African romanticizing bullshit. more sipping.
9:37am- Album almost over. I have decided to listen to The Stooges, but I can't decide which album.
9:38am-I have decided to go with Raw Power.
9:39am- Oh, man, that was a good decision.
9:40am- Zenergize remains delicious and is almost gone.
9:41am- Gone. That was fun. Did I mention that it had caffeine in it? It doesn't say how much, though. I really think beverages should tell you how much caffeine is in them so you can plan accordingly.


Well, that was fun. I'm gonna go eat something delicious. Have a fun day, dudes!

More!!!

10:06am- I. FEEL. AWESOME. The caffeine has kicked in and I think it is kind of a lot dudes.
10:08am- I just got up on my bed and danced like the kid in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. but with less jumping up and down because I have a futon.
10:25- Okay, I am starting to feel a little crazy....CRAZY AWESOME!!!!
10:51- I seem to have leveled out, and feel like a normal human being again.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 3

I am having a really hard time pulling it together today, dudes. I've had a shit ton of coffee. I keep making all these typos because my fingers keep tripping over themselves, like a kitten that is still learning how to run. No segues are springing to mind, so, umm, here we go!


1. Flight of the Conchords



This was another Mindy Kaling recommend (She is never, ever wrong, guys. Seriously.). I don't have cable, so I tend to be a little behind on a lot of great shows. I am so glad that I have caught up! I really enjoy Novelty Music, and so much the better when it is laid down by cute dudes with adorable accents. Rent it!!


2. All Purpose Pizza

This isn't so much something I am into right now, it's more something I am obsessed with all the time. All Purpose makes the best pizza I have ever had in my life. I know I am prone to hyperbole, but this shit is no joke. A couple weeks ago, I had a bite that was so perfect I very nearly cried. Over pizza. Here's the deal: the crust is sourdough, so it has this delicious tanginess to it. The sauce is made with reduced red wine, and I am drooling a little just thinking about it. My favorite topping of theirs is carmelized onions. The meatballs are great, too. And the website has really charming animation, though it is kind of a pain in the ass to navigate.


3. Slash



Slash is the coolest person who has ever lived, hands down. I am currently reading his autobiography, and it is awesome. Did you know that his mom had an affair with David Bowie? And that Slash was an insanely cute kid? Check this shit out:


Oh my god, right? When will they get cloning technology worked out so I can have a Baby Slash? I will pay top dollar.

3. Polyvore

I like to strategize my wardrobe several months in advance. Usually it's not too specific; a color scheme, or type of dress, or a concept, like, the Incognito Waitress. But that was before I found out about Polyvore. I'll let them explain it to you:
" Polyvore is a unique, easy-to-use web-based application for mixing and matching products from any online store. Items are pulled together into a visual set of products that can be shared with anyone. Each product within the set is then linked back to the online store where it is available for purchase."

The other day I decided I really want a pot leaf t-shirt, right? But I wasn't sure how I would wear it. "What goes with a pot leaf t-shirt?", I asked myself. So I went to Polyvore and worked it the fuck out!

Bam! Business taken care of!