Friday, June 22, 2007

A Mystery is Afoot

Someone shoved a pair of underpants into my mailbox.

Panties, colloquially. Red and pink striped Victoria's Secret panties, size small, specifically. I have composed a list of suspects.

1. The Goth Girl in Apt. 8: Last week, me and my buddy/neighbor Alex were smoking on the balcony when Gothy McSoulisdark forced herself into our conversation. For 20 damn minutes. She was boring and not funny and she wouldn't go away. A couple days later, Alex and I were playing Turner Classic Movies Scene It in Alex's apartment with the windows and shades open. Alex got this clue: "What 1969 movie had the tagline, "One man went looking for America. He never found it." It was Easy Rider, but she wasn't getting it, so to give her a clue I went into the whole "Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!!!!! Indians." thing (if you don't know what I'm talking about, rent Easy Rider. It's the best damn part of the whole movie). That exact moment, Gothy came out of her place, and hearing my "yip-yip" routine said, and I quote, "What is that, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on crack?!" That, my friends, is not only demonstrative of how not funny she is, it basically amounts to word salad. Then, as her first bout of verbal diarrhea garnered no response from us, she tried again. "Xena Warrior Princess!" We continued to ignore her. The next day she came outside while I was smoking alone. We did not speak.

Could it be an act of vengeful mischief?

2. The Australian: A couple months ago, the Australian called me a stupid bitch for drunkenly blasting Aerosmith at 7am. Is she still mad?

3. Alex: She says she didn't do it, but this kind of seems like the work of a buddy. And look at her! Those eyes are full of mischief!!

4. My husband, Landon: He was the one that "found" the offending underpants.

Seems shifty to me.

5. Caralee McElroy: I can't see any reason why not, and I would like to hear her alibi.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the suspects. Tampering with the mail is a Federal offense!



The real question is, are they YOUR panties? It could be like that erotic thriller where a woman hires a private detective to spy on her, because she is SECRETLY A TOTAL KILLER ONLY SHE NEVER REMEMBERS KILLING ANYONE! This could be like that. With panties. Also, I'm pretty sure I know that goth girl. Find out if she goes to Bastyr.

Chelsea said...

The goth does not go to bastyr. and they are not my panties. i hate Victoria's Secret, and they are too small. i would have included a picture of the actual panties, but i'm afraid to touch them.

Erin said...

i need more information:

were they used?
were they used and also uh, dirty?

i think i've seen the goth girl, and i don't think she's a V.S. small. they don't size graciously there. not that she's biggie bigs, but like, v.s. panties. and also, she would use something more body part-ish or more "enigmatic", like a gallon of maple syrup or a dozen dead sharpie pens.

Erin said...

also: does your mailbox have restricted access, like is it inside the laundry room? or is it streetside? i'm kind of assuming it's inside a restricted area as you have not automatically assumed it was a vagrant or drunk hipster or something

Chelsea said...

the panties were used but they were clean, and yes, the mail area is locked, so it has to be someone that lives in the building.

Erin said...

i think it was a boy and it was random.
i think a him was doing laundry and found a pair of panties still in the dryer or something and then shoved them in your mailbox without thinking. or maybe thinking it was kind of funny. boys are kind of weird, and they do things like that.