PDXcuse Me

I owe Portland an apology.


In retrospect, I never had any real anger towards Portland itself. I'm pretty sure I was only mad because Portland kept luring away people I really like. And nothing makes me saltier than people I like moving away. Ugh. I'm sorry, okay, Portland? I was being a hater, and I apologize for talking shit. For, like, years.

I guess this change of heart has been in the works for a while. Me and the dude had a mini-vacay in P-Town (I can call it that now, right?) a couple years ago, and it was just lovely. Granted, we spent pretty much the entire time in strip clubs, smoking, drinking and carousing, and really, who wouldn't enjoy that? But I wasn't sold on Portland just yet. Until this morning, that is, when I found out about their food cart situation.




Apparently, Portland is awash with food carts, and nobody bothered to tell me about it.


View Portland Food Carts in a larger map

If that map were of Seattle there'd be, like, eight of those dot things. We are woefully lacking in food carts, which was much more of an actual problem back when I used to leave the house, but is still a blow to my hometown pride. What hurts the most, though, is that Junior Ambassadors cart exists and I have never been there. These guys specialize in weird ice cream flavors that make our ice cream "mavericks" look like a bunch of snivelling M.O.R. pussies (smoked salmon and cream cheese, you guys. Shit!), "panwiches" whatever that means, and being super fucking whimsical and adorable. Essentially, they are killing my life right now, and I will pretty much feel like half a person until I can convince someone (i.e. Landon) to drive me there. Look. This is how they choose to represent themselves:

AAAAAGH, why are they doing this to me?! You can read all about it at the Food Carts Portland blog. And while you're there, you might as well click around and start planning your food cart tour of Portland.

I feel good, you guys. I've never apologized to an entire city before (though there have been times when I certainly should have), and it's kind of delightfully cathartic. Maybe this will become a series. I have talked shit about a lot of places.
*

What it breaks down to is this: I kind of hate everywhere that isn't Seattle, just for not being Seattle. But what I am starting to realize is that just because I love my wife (Seattle), that doesn't mean I can't occasionally enjoy the charms of other women (cities). And maybe, just maybe, it's time to get me some strange. (Don't worry, this logic does not apply to my actual wife, by which I mean my actual husband, who, thank little baby Jesus, does not read this blog.)

* Did you know that if you Google image search "oops", you will see about a billion nip/labe slips? Neither did I, until about 3 minutes ago. Yowza.

I was listening to Rick James this morning, and I couldn't stop wondering why he was never as big as Prince. I think I have an Idea:

Sex sells, and they were both pretty sexual dudes, both in content and packaging, right? But while Prince's lyrics were far, far filthier (compare Superfreak to Erotic City), he had a leg up on Rick as far as accessibility goes, and there was nothing to be done about it. Why, you ask?

Because Rick James was a big, man-ass dude:



who looks like he may actually do something real crazy to you, whereas Prince is an elf:




And if I've learned anything since Peter Jackson's Lord Of the Rings trilogy came out, it's that bitches love elves.



Also, this.

Then He Should Have Armed Himself

I just watched The Strangers and I have a theory. People talk about how black folks yell at the screen during horror movies. I think I might know why: When one lives in a crap neighborhood, and has to get used to the idea that someone may attack you for one reason or another at any given time, one starts figuring out ways to deal with this and behaves accordingly. So then, when that person is watching a movie where the main characters keep doing everything the opposite way one should in order to stay alive, it gets frustrating. Thus the yelling.

Because horror movie protagonists are usually middle class whites who do not live under constant threat, it would seem that they have not developed these skills. I would like to offer them some tips.
For example:
1. If you think someone is even possibly trying to kill you, DO NOT put down your weapon. EVER.
2. The person who is trying to kill you might not come from the direction you are facing. So LOOK IN OTHER DIRECTIONS. If it is dark out and I am walking even just from the end of the block to my apartment building, I do a quick spin to see what is going on IN ALL DIRECTIONS at least every five seconds. I probably look crazy, but I am crazy and alive, so fuck it.
3. If you have the option of not being alone, DO NOT BE ALONE. In other words, don't split up. You will die, I promise.
4. If you find a gun, start shooting. Don't wait for something crazy to happen, just start shooting. Jesus.

Okay. I feel better now. That movie really tried my patience.



UR DOING IT WRONG

All Creatures Great and Small (are totally fucking crazy)

The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:

Fuck a Unicorn.

I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.


1. Platypus



I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about

2. Koalas!!



I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.

From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.^[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.^{[citation needed]} Both sexes possess a cloaca,^[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.

Okay!

3. Giant Squid

HELL.



TO.


THE.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.

4. Cuttlefish

Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.



Can you do that? I can't do that.

Cornel West, Style Icon

Cornel West, philosopher, scholar, pastor, all-around really busy person, has something to teach you that has nothing to do with race, religion or politics. Observe:

Here he is being adorable before dinner



With some lovely peeps at some sort of mixer:







Gesticulating.




Thinking...



Thinking really hard...



Y'know what he's not thinking about? What to wear. Because he wears the exact same thing every day. If it's cold, he wears a scarf.



If it's warm, he takes it off.



Especially if he is spitting hot fire. (Perhaps for this? Trust me, buddy, you really wanna check out that link.)

This has inspired me! I'm saying, fuck a wardrobe. I want a uniform. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get dressed every day? Sometimes it takes, like, 45 minutes! It is fucked up. Too much of my mental real estate is taken up by this daily struggle.

So. With some help from Polyvore, I have created a mock-up of my new uniform.


uniform by roxy5moxy

I will be wearing this (or at least something that closely resembles this outfit) from here on out, or until I get bored. I'm wearing it right now! We'll see if I get me any smarter as a result.

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.



That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.





See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.



That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.



2. Muppets



This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine


I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.


5. 15 minutes



That is all.

I Forgot!

Another pastime I am considering is learning how to dance like Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video. I figure it'll take me about three years.



I am most intrigued by what she does with her pelvis around the 52 second mark. What is that?!

Hey, Rahm, do you think it's a good idea?



I think so too. Do you wanna make out later?



I'll take that as a maybe.

Snake People

Dudes, I am upset. Let me tell you a story.

This last Saturday was by far the most beautiful day Seattle has seen since this year began. Blue skies, perfect temperature. It was the kind of day that made you want to go to a barbeque. Which we did. In fact, it was basically the perfect sunny day, wherein you go buzzing around from one gorgeous social engagement to another with your beautiful, witty friends, enjoying the sunshine and reparte.

Until.

Until.


(Ugh, I am still so upset about this, I have to go find a picture of something really great that will make me feel okay again. Hold on.



That's not it. I feel different but not better. Ummm... let's try this:



That's not it either. Close, but-



There we go. Okay, I'm ready to get back to the story.)


Until!! We went to Golden Gardens to meet our buddies. It was about an hour before they start kicking people out but it was still packed. It was the busiest I'd ever seen the beach this early in the year. So we were trying to park the car, and I'm scanning the lot looking for open spots, right? When I see the fucking unthinkable!! I see a man


with



a



fucking



ALBINO FUCKING PYTHON DRAPED OVER HIS FUCKING ASSHOLE IDIOT SHOULDERS!!! A FUCKING PYTHON, YOU GUYS!!!


Who does that shit?! What kind of terrible person goes to the beach on the busiest day of the year with a giant terrifying snake? Do you know how many people are scared of snakes?!! Fucking everyone, that's how many!!

I apologize for all the swears, but I have seriously never been this upset in my life. I couldn't relax the whole time we were at the beach. I kept having to look behind me to make sure the snake guy wasn't chasing me. That may sound ridiculous, but it has actually happened to me. One time a few years ago, I was walking down Third and a guy started hollering at me, "Hey, girl, lemme holler atcha!!" I looked and saw he had a snake wrapped around his arm!! A much smaller snake, but still, a snake. So I yelled, "Nuh-uh!!" and quickened my pace. But he followed me! So I started walking really, really fast. Speed-walking, basically. But he kept pace! So I started running!! And he did too!! He chased me for like, two blocks before he gave up!!! It was awful, guys. So you see, my fears were founded in experience.

I don't even know how to deal with this shit. Some people are just horrible. That guy really crapped in my oatmeal.

Post a picture in the comments that will make me feel better about this world.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.

Hobosexual

Viggo Mortenesen looks like a hobo.



I use a picture of him looking a little schmancy to illustrate that he doesn't look homeless the way, say, the Olsen Twins used to look homeless. By which I mean actually dressing as though one is homeless. No. What I'm talking about here is more a hobo-ness of the soul. Look into his eyes. Those, my friends, are the eyes of a hobo. I see the same thing in Colin Farrell.



Colin Farrell is definitely a hobo, he just happens to have a lucrative job. These men's status as sex-symbols really bothers me, as it points out that women are gross, because both of those men are basically Gary Busey, as far as I'm concerned.



p.s. In researching this post I discovered a fascinating (fascinating!!) fact about Daniel Day Lewis. From his Wikipedia article:

Following The Boxer, Daniel Day-Lewis took a leave of absence from acting by putting himself into "semi-retirement" and returning to his old passion of woodworking. He moved to Florence, Italy, where he became intrigued by the craft of shoemaking, eventually apprenticing as a shoemaker for a time while his exact whereabouts and actions were not made publicly known.^[11] While, as a consequence, little of these events are known, it has been rumoured that Day-Lewis, in return for room and board, instructed the master cobbler in acting. It has further been suggested that, following Day-Lewis' departure, the shoemaker took up a career as a traveling Commedia dell'Arte performer—a profession which has seen his earning potential skyrocket. Day-Lewis has refused to comment on the subject, simply stating that "Laurencino [the shoemaker] was a man of many gifts".

I love absolutely everything about the above quote, but my favorite part is that Laurencino the shoemaker is shrouded in mystery.

Sunday Morning Punditry

I couldn't wait for this last football season to end. The NFL essentially stole my husband, who on Sunday mornings would turn the living room into his weird little war room, one T.V. tuned to whatever game was on, the other hooked up to the GameCube so he could play Madden while watching the game, and the laptop open with stats websites on screen. On top of all that, I was getting really creeped out by the Patriots' unnerving perfection. I'm pretty sure they are actual robots. Or cyborgs. Whatever. It's not cool. What really upset me, though, was the loss of my favorite weekend activity. Sunday morning political punditry.

Now that the whole NFL shebang is wrapped up, I could not possibly be more stoked. My weekend routine has been restored, and because it is the craziest election year evvaaaahhh (!!!!) every Sunday is like Christmas. Here's how it goes:
9am- This Week with George Stephanopoulos



I'm glad this guy kicks it off because his show is the easiest to handle. He's no hardship on the eyes, there's usually a minimum of shouting at his round table, and he shows clips of jokes from The Daily Show every week (among others, but I don't have cable so this is my only regular exposure to Jon Stewart). This way, Landon and I can focus on arguing over who is going to make the coffee (an argument I almost always lose) so that we are sufficiently caffeinated to deal with the more taxing programs.

10am- Meet The Press with Tim Russert

God, I love Tim Russert so much. Last Sunday, Nader came on the show to announce his candidacy and it was pretty clear that Russert only allowed this so he could be the first to publicly and politely ask him what the fuck was wrong with him. In different words of course, but the sentiment was the same. When they went to commercial, Russert wouldn't even look at him.

Another reason I love this show is the frequent inclusion of David Gregory (on whom I have a crush that even I don't understand) in the round table.



And because it's an election year, we shall soon see the return of Russert's white board, something I've been looking forward to since 2004!!



I love it!! Almost as much as I love...

11am- The McLaughlin Group

From the moment John McLaughlin barks "Issue One!!" at the shows' opening, to when he gives his often absurd prediction at shows' close, I am giddy as a school girl. A really, really dorky school girl. Some of my favorite things:

1. McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan have been working together since the Nixon years and it shows. The buddyhood between those two is palpable, and as you may know, buddyhood is one of my absolute favorite things in the whole world. Never in a million years did I think I would enjoy anything involving Pat Buchanan, but such is the power of The McLaughlin Group.

2. Clarence Page looks like a turtle, and I love it when people look like turtles.


3. Making fun of Monica Crowley (newest addition to the group, replacing Tony Blankley) and her sartorial choices. One week she showed up in prairie garb, allowing for a half hour's worth of Sarah, Plain and Tall and Deadwood jokes. The next week, she appeared to be rocking some sort of Melanie Griffith in Working Girl look. I'm pretty sure The McLaughlin Group set doesn't have the budget for a wardrobe person. Or a mirror. In all fairness, though, this is what she looks like on a good day:


Not bad, I guess. Anything's better than Tony Blankley. That guy is a motherfucker.

4. The aforementioned predictions. My all-time favorite is the time McLaughlin ended the show crowing, "Liquor is BACK!! Byyyyye-Bye!!!"