A lot of the time, I have trouble falling asleep. It used to help to think about interior design, because nothing interested me less and I could bore myself to sleep contemplating duvet covers and decorative tchotchkes. This stopped working for me about a year ago, as I have become dismally domesticated and now find the subject absolutely thrilling. A solution came to me a couple months ago as I lay thinking to myself, "Wouldn't it be, like, the best thing ever to be surrounded by baby animals of all sorts?" I imagined a baby monkey hanging from my neck, a tiny hippo leaning against my back, and kittens. Lots and lots of kittens. It was glorious, and it soothed me into sleep rather quickly. This train of thought has since become my go-to relaxation technique.
On a recent visit to Portland, the dream came true.
We were visiting our buddy Emmett, who took us to his friend's house after a night of well-ventilated bars and charming Puerto Rican strippers. One of the residents of the house informed me that her cat had just given birth, and asked if I would like to see the brand new tiny baby kittens.
Imagine my glee! She took me into her closet, and there they were. Seven adorable kittens, each about the size of a can of tuna, nestled close to their mother, sleeping sweetly. And that was when she started putting the kittens all over me. There were three in my lap, two in my shirt, and one in each hand. It was perfect. And it just goes to show, if you just think about something hard enough, it will totally happen, which is why I need to stop thinking about how raccoons own the night because they have thumbs.