All One!!

I am highly suspicious of the beauty industry. Let's take mascara, for instance. Do they really expect me to believe that mascara scientists have made a revolutionary discovery every three months, for the last, like forever? One month it's a polyamide (or what the fuck ever) in the formula, then it's all about some curling agent bullshit, and then they're literally trying to sell me on a magic wand. It's exhausting, and extends across the industry. Will someone please tell me what the fuck a "body ribbon" is supposed to be? I have an entire cabinet in my bathroom full of half used products, mostly body washes and lotions, bearing various promises of silky skin and whatnot.

Problematically, I am also very, very gullible. Add my natural curiosity to this mix and we have an explanation for the probable hundreds of dollars I have spent on faddish beauty products over the years. Maybe even thousands. Ugh. I'm kind of bumming myself out.

But I'm working it out, you guys!! And I have a plan! I am currently experimenting with Dr Bronner's Magic Soap.



According to the Doc, his soap can be used for the whole body, including hair and teeth. I'm leaving my teeth out of this, because I really love my toothpaste, but I'm gonna use it on everything else and see what happens! While I've been using it on my body for months, yesterday I used it as my shampoo and face wash as well, and I gotta say, dudes, I look pretty good. Also, it was the easiest shower ever. I only had one bottle to focus on. And focus I did!! Have you ever read the shit written on the Dr. Bronner's label? I love it!! My favorite parts:

"Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water and soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!"

"ENJOY BODY RUB TO STIMULATE BODY MIND-SOUL-SPIRIT AND TEACH THE ESSENE MORAL ABC UNITING ALL FREE IN THE SHEPHERD-ASTRONOMER ISRAEL'S GREATEST ALL-ONE-GOD-FAITH!"

Sure! Why not?

I made a diagram of why I like this soap.



On a similar note, I am currently fascinated with the concept of one product for all my moisturizing needs. Kiehl's recently came out with this little wonder:



I tried it out on my hands and it was awesome. Also, it has a delightful citrusy smell that I would not mind having all over my body. Very springtime appropriate. When wearing a sundress, one should also smell like a lemon. Fact.

However, I am understandably sketched out by the price, and I'm not entirely sure that I believe in "dry oil." So. I'm gonna go take a shower with Dr Bronner's soap, and then I'm gonna just use almond oil on my body and face and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Snake People

Dudes, I am upset. Let me tell you a story.

This last Saturday was by far the most beautiful day Seattle has seen since this year began. Blue skies, perfect temperature. It was the kind of day that made you want to go to a barbeque. Which we did. In fact, it was basically the perfect sunny day, wherein you go buzzing around from one gorgeous social engagement to another with your beautiful, witty friends, enjoying the sunshine and reparte.

Until.

Until.


(Ugh, I am still so upset about this, I have to go find a picture of something really great that will make me feel okay again. Hold on.



That's not it. I feel different but not better. Ummm... let's try this:



That's not it either. Close, but-



There we go. Okay, I'm ready to get back to the story.)


Until!! We went to Golden Gardens to meet our buddies. It was about an hour before they start kicking people out but it was still packed. It was the busiest I'd ever seen the beach this early in the year. So we were trying to park the car, and I'm scanning the lot looking for open spots, right? When I see the fucking unthinkable!! I see a man


with



a



fucking



ALBINO FUCKING PYTHON DRAPED OVER HIS FUCKING ASSHOLE IDIOT SHOULDERS!!! A FUCKING PYTHON, YOU GUYS!!!


Who does that shit?! What kind of terrible person goes to the beach on the busiest day of the year with a giant terrifying snake? Do you know how many people are scared of snakes?!! Fucking everyone, that's how many!!

I apologize for all the swears, but I have seriously never been this upset in my life. I couldn't relax the whole time we were at the beach. I kept having to look behind me to make sure the snake guy wasn't chasing me. That may sound ridiculous, but it has actually happened to me. One time a few years ago, I was walking down Third and a guy started hollering at me, "Hey, girl, lemme holler atcha!!" I looked and saw he had a snake wrapped around his arm!! A much smaller snake, but still, a snake. So I yelled, "Nuh-uh!!" and quickened my pace. But he followed me! So I started walking really, really fast. Speed-walking, basically. But he kept pace! So I started running!! And he did too!! He chased me for like, two blocks before he gave up!!! It was awful, guys. So you see, my fears were founded in experience.

I don't even know how to deal with this shit. Some people are just horrible. That guy really crapped in my oatmeal.

Post a picture in the comments that will make me feel better about this world.

What I'm Into Right Now, Pt. 4

Wooooo! It's been a long time! Shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to, umm... read. With all the shit we've been doing around the house I really haven't had the mental capacity to write. Frankly, my little pea-brain can only handle so much. But now, with the home space settled, I have a couple things I want to talk about. Let's do this shit, y'all!

1. Zotz

So, as we've discussed, I'm not really one for sweet treats, but I will gladly make an exception for these little buddies.While Zotz are simple lozenges at first glance, they have an awesome surprise in store for your mouth. The middle is filled with sodium bicarbonate, the same chemical that gives Alka Selter its' delightful fizz. I love them!!!

2. Flights of Fancy



Yesterday, as I was returning some movies, a thought occurred to me. What if I were a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex wandering the streets of Capitol Hill? How would I spend my day? I decided that I would mainly do these things:
- Peer into peoples windows, partially for the fun of freaking people out, but mostly because I really want to know how other people decorate their apartments.
- Move folks from one side of the street to the other with my tiny little T Rex arms. Gently. Very gently.
- Dance
- Stomp on ugly condos.
Fun!

3. Dragon Quest 8
Ugh, I love this game. The music is awesome, the monsters are all really cute (to the point where I sometimes feel guilty about whomping them) and the graphics are great. I have one serious beef, though, and this kind of extends to the whole RPG genre. I have to chase down this jester dude that is running around killing the shit out of people, right? Okay. But then, everytime I go to a town, somebody sends me on some bogus-ass side mission! I just wanna tell them, "Look, I am really busy right now!! I do not have time to go get a basket of eggs from your fucking Cousin JoJo!!" Do you know what I mean? These RPG characters have no sense of scale. But I cannot stop playing, because I love it.


Seriously. Look how cute that shit is! Also, I am especially fond of that particular dude because when he runs he sticks his arms straight out to the sides like a little kid playing airplane.

4. Being Really Frustrated With Lil Wayne:

Read this:
"Initially planned to be released in 2007, Tha Carter III's largest delay came after the majority of the tracks were leaked and distributed on mixtapes, such as "The Drought Is Over Pt. 2" and "The Drought Is Over Pt. 4". Wayne initially decided to use the leaked tracks, plus four new tracks, to make a separate album, titled Tha Carter III: The Leak. The Leak was to be released December 18, 2007, with the actual album being delayed until March 18, 2008,^[23] The release of The Leak in this format never came to fruition, but an official EP titled The Leak and containing five tracks was released digitally on December 25, 2007. Tha Carter III now has a release date of May 13, 2008"

What the shit!!!! Just put out the fucking album already!! I am sick of this shit. I want the album. Are you listening to me, Weezy? I am officially sick of your shit.


P.S. You look like Golem.

Update: Well, apparently, the album has been pushed back to June. Landon says it's the new "Chinese Democracy", and I am trying really hard not to agree with him.