Gucci!?

Frida Giannini, I am calling you out.



Pull. It. Together.



What is going on over there?

I don't care if this is for charity, it is still shit. We're in straight-up Ed Hardy territory here, and that is just gross.



Blech!!

What I'm Into Right Now, pt. 6

You know the drill. Let's do this!

1.GroBall



I am an infamous killer of plants. In the last few years, I have killed a coleus plant (his name was Ebenezer), a rosemary (Buddy), some other plants I didn't bother to name, and even seriously endangered a Jade plant, which is basically impossible. I've tried everything, from plant food to singing the inanimate little fuckers showtunes, but to no avail. The only exception is my tiny mint plant, Minty, who has seemed to die and then come back tinier than ever no less than four times. That dude is a phoenix.

My mom says I am a terrible gardener because I'm too self-absorbed to keep plants alive, to which I say:
1. That's cold, Mom. Cold.
2. You're probably right.
3. The real problem here is that plants are silent. If they would just make a noise when they want something, I would be more than happy to help them. Help me help you, is what I'm saying.

I give up. But maybe there is a technology that can help me!


GroBalls!

Wow, I just realized how funny that name is. That explains why they haven't really taken off the way they should. Carrying on.

GroBalls are pots that water the plant for you. And they come in cute colors. Okay? I can't think of anything else to say right now, that name is way too distracting.

2. Lunchbox Laboratory



Holy shit, you guys. This place is so serious. Me and the dude went there last night. They close at 5, and we got there at 5:02, but lucky for us, the owner/chef, Scott Simpson is totally dedicated to getting a burger into your mouth and let us order for take-out. The menu is totally overwhelming. Observe:



If you choose to build your own burger, that is the mess you have to tangle with. Not wanting to try our luck, we ordered one of the "experiments", or pre-designed burgers. It happened so fast, I can't remember what it was called, but it was their beef patty, which is like 5 different meats mixed together, goat cheese, and carmelized balsamic onions.

IT. WAS. INCREDIBLE. Words can't even come close.

As the dude put it, "This burger tastes how blowjobs feel."

3.My new headphones

With these headphones I can hear things I've never heard before in music I've listened to a thousand times. I feel like any other headphones I've used in the past were disrespectful to the people who make my favorite music. Don't worry, I already sent the RZA a letter of apology.

4.Girl Talk's Feed The Animals



So, I knew I would have problems getting my ass to New York in the first place, but I didn't realize that once I got there, brand new problems would present themselves in the form of the Subway System. Them shits were like an anxiety supergroup! It's above ground! It's below ground! It goes under a fucking river! Dudes. All it needed was some snakes and an Ebola outbreak and it would have encompassed every single irrational fear I have ever had. But I had a secret weapon. Girl Talk.



Thanks, buddy!!

When I listen to Girl Talk, my brain is too busy following all the samples (300 on this particular album) to freak out about some nonsense. So now I just listen to it all the time. I'm listening to it right now.

5. This picture



Ha! Have fun dudes!!

Radio, Radio

No matter how much I tweak my Pandora Bell Biv Devoe station, they keep trying to sneak in some Taylor Dayne, who I have hated relentlessly since I was eight. I give her songs a thumbs down every time, and it just keeps happening. "Are you sure you hate Taylor Dayne?" they seem to ask. "What about this song?" That they won't let you ban an artist's entire catalog from a station is not the only problem I have with Pandora, but you see my point.

Pandora is not without its charms. It's fun to see the elements they've broken a song into. Like this:

Artist: Make-Up
Song: Black Wire Pt. 1
electric rock instrumentation
punk influences
repetitive melodic phrasing
extensive vamping

One thing I have learned from the program is that I apparently love a lot of music that contains "extensive vamping" (how do they decide whether it is extensive or not? who makes that call?). Either that, or they are just way too liberal with the term "extensive vamping."

Y'know what it is? it's the same kind of thinking that leads to shit like The Pick-up Artist. With something as human as music (or, um, humans) it simply can't be broken down into a formula. Also I hate robots.


So this got me thinking about music I really, really love, which got me thinking about songs that are so good I am bummed out that I didn't write them because then I would never feel pressure to do anything ever again. This led to me making a playlist of such songs, which I have shared a link to below. It's not complete, but it's most of them. Give it a listen, and tell me what songs you wish you had written in the comments.


My Rhapsody Playlist

Is it just me, or is this video extraordinarily homoerotic?




I just feel like if I were kickin' it with these dudes, presumably all tarted up, and they were ignoring me in favor of spraying each other with champagne, I would just get up and go home. It is starting to make more and more sense that these are the dudes behind "No Homo". *

While we're on the subject of Dipset, (which, honestly, I wish we weren't, but I gotta get this out)were you aware that they had released another** Christmas album? Technically, it's "Jim Jones and Skull Gang present", but that's still Dipset to me. And this one doesn't even have a "We Fly High" so people will maybe buy it. Straight Christmas raps, for like an hour.

One! Last! Thing! Have you ever noticed that Jim Jones bears a striking resemblance to Sir Mix-A-Lot?




I just want you to know that getting that picture of J. Jones was not easy for me. I know Cam's the one with IBS, but looking at Jim Jones makes my gastrointestinal tract feel weird. That Halfrican is greazy.


*Personally, I am big fan of "Yes Homo", which is what I say when I definitely mean something in a homosexual manner. Like, "Amy, your tits look awesome today, yes homo." Try it, it's fun and promotes acceptance.

** That's right. There are multiple Dipset Christmas albums in this world.

Cornel West, Style Icon

Cornel West, philosopher, scholar, pastor, all-around really busy person, has something to teach you that has nothing to do with race, religion or politics. Observe:

Here he is being adorable before dinner



With some lovely peeps at some sort of mixer:







Gesticulating.




Thinking...



Thinking really hard...



Y'know what he's not thinking about? What to wear. Because he wears the exact same thing every day. If it's cold, he wears a scarf.



If it's warm, he takes it off.



Especially if he is spitting hot fire. (Perhaps for this? Trust me, buddy, you really wanna check out that link.)

This has inspired me! I'm saying, fuck a wardrobe. I want a uniform. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get dressed every day? Sometimes it takes, like, 45 minutes! It is fucked up. Too much of my mental real estate is taken up by this daily struggle.

So. With some help from Polyvore, I have created a mock-up of my new uniform.


uniform by roxy5moxy

I will be wearing this (or at least something that closely resembles this outfit) from here on out, or until I get bored. I'm wearing it right now! We'll see if I get me any smarter as a result.

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

T.J. Cowgill is the father of some of my all-time favorite brain-babies.



Not only did he front one of my favorite bands (Teen Cthulhu, R.I.P.), and another band I really like (Book Of Black Earth, still alive), but he is also the dude behind Actual Pain, makers of rad t-shirts and apparel.


I am not sure what is going on in that second one but I like it.

And if that isn't enough for you, the Actual Pain website has excellent mixtapes that you can download for free. It's like a one-stop awesome shop. He should sponsor me. Hey T.J.! Are you reading this? Give me t-shirts.

Or, I guess I could just go to this and buy stuff for cheap.


Tidbit: One time, like four years ago, I ran into T.J. at a bar and he told me he was interested in rapping. Then he rapped at me for like 5 minutes about witches and wolves and shit. That dude is nothing if not consistent.

Magic Potion

Season changes are the worst, man. Yeah, there's the whole promise-of-a-new-day, Paula Abdul-y thing. And, sure, the leaves are all beautiful and shit. But it is really hard to enjoy all of that when I feel like a turd on a cracker.

(I considered including an image of fake poop here, but that would be super gross and I like you too much to put you through that. So, you're welcome, I guess.)

I felt bad, dudes. Just sluggish and forgetful and gross. Plus, I had developed one giant zit right on top of my cheekbone. I normally have devastatingly clear skin, so this was quite a blow to my self-image. I felt like I had been eating pizza every day for weeks without the actual fun of eating pizza. God, I love pizza.



And then I remembered that I had decided to attempt some health-nutting. This created an awesome convergence of motivators (vanity, internet promises, distaste for physical exertion) that happened to coincide with a paycheck, leading me to this solution.



This shit got me high, y'all. I knew anti-oxidants were good for you, but I had no idea they would make me feel like I just got back from a yoga retreat where I won a Nobel Prize and married Rahm Emanuel. I felt so good it was weirding people out. Sometimes you really can buy your way out of a problem!



True dat!