Big things happening here at Who Did What To Who HQ, by which I mean my apartment. I am in the middle of a massive Spring cleaning/redecorating (although, I am starting to question whether this can really be called Spring, calendars be damned. It fucking snowed last night!! What type of shit is that?!) and it is awesoooooome!! I am nesting like a motherfucker! I love it!

So far I have been focusing mainly on the kitchen. I cleaned out the cupboards, replaced the hideous Laura Ashley floral contact paper that has been driving me crazy for the last four years, removed some of the cupboard doors, and moved the fridge. I have a comically tiny galley kitchen, and moving the fridge opened it up a lot. Next up is the living room, which will mainly involve taming the media situation, and figuring out what to put on the walls, which I suck at.

The funnest thing about my current monomania is shopping on the webs for wonderful new things to bring into my freshly awesome-ified abode. Which brings me to the point: Lookit!



This lovely little dish is used for serving olive oil. As the ShopModi website describes, "when filled you see a series of concentric rings of greens in descending tones due to the depth of the oil in the dish." How rad is that?

And this fuckin' guy:



I love these hook boxes. They are incredibly practical, and so sleek. But they are almost impossible to acquire and are retardedly expensive. So much so that I refuse to type the exact price because it is so fucking stupid. I'm done talking about it. For now.



OH. MY. GOD. I love this lamp so much I just peed a little. And I will have it. Because it is only $68. Yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Ugh, I am having so much fun. Today I am going to Retrofit to see if they have any rad little trinkets that need to live at my house. Fuuuuuun!!!

Welcome to the Jungle

The squirrels that live around my building are fucking huge. I'd ceased to notice it until the other day, when I was in a different neighborhood. For a moment I thought that the squirrels in this other neighborhood were freakishly small, but then I realized that they were totally normal, and that I had just gotten used to ginormous squirrels. This doesn't bother me unless while looking at them I remember that a squirrel is only a rat with a cute, bushy tail.


Sometimes, in my minds eye, I strip them of the cute tail, and they become big, fat rats frolicking in the tree outside my window. I hate it when that happens.

Don't get me wrong, I like squirrels. I like the way they eat. I admire their brazenness. But I am sick of them. I want new animals roaming the city.
Specifically, these guys:



And these guys:




P.S. Remember a couple years ago when that bear was wandering around the U-District for a couple days?

International Male

I was talking to my buddy Keehnan yesterday about the Spaniards' Lisp (I like how I made that sound like Terrifying and Contagious disease. "Next on 20/20, The Spaniards' Lisp! It may already be in a household NEAR YOU!!"). Do you know what I'm talking about though? Spaniards pronounce their "sssss" sound more like a "thhhhh" sound. It really bothers me. I bought some "Learn Spanish!" tapes at a garage sale last year, but I can't use them because they're all, "Repeat after me. Me llamo Thilvio! Thoy de Barrrrthelona!!" And I can't repeat after him, because I am too busy laughing.



Anyway, we were talking about this, and we got to wondering, do gay Spaniards lisp extra hard? Or do they lisp the same as straight Spaniards? Also, do gay French men lisp? What about Russians? Or Somalians? Or Guamanians? Is the lisp of the stereotypical flamboyantly gay man universal, or is it indigenous to English speakers? Wikipedia is not helping. As Keehnan said, "That article is a stub-ass stub."

I am so curious, but I don't know how to get answers without offending anyone. So, my well-traveled readers, I ask you. Do you happen to know of any non-English speaking sterotypically flamboyant homosexual men who do/do not lisp in their native tongue? Or perhaps you have heard of some study about this that I may now Google?

In Which I Totally Tell On Myself

I started a to write a post earlier today that was basically me ranting about someone that annoyed me (kind of a lot) at work last night. A couple paragraphs in I had to stop myself. "Is this what I write about?" I asked. "Is this what I do now? Rag on people who are perhaps a tad socially inept for simply trying to force me to have a conversation?" The answer to that, on this day, is no. On this day I will not do that. Maybe some other time, but not today. Instead, as a sort of penance, I will tell you a story about me that I am not particularly proud of.

I used to work at Starbucks. It wasn't always horrible, and sometimes it was fun. Most of the time, though, I was just jacked up out of my gourd on espresso, because it was free, and they made us get up really early in the morning, you guys.

So, it was one such morning in early December. I remember it was about 9:30, so I had probably already had at least four shots of espresso. I was on the till, which meant writing down/calling out drink orders, ringing folks up, and most pertinent to this story, fetching pastries. A man stepped up to the front of my line, youngish, kind of cute, and way too sleepy for what I was about to put him through.

"What would you like this morning?" I chirped, probably way too fast. I want to make it abundantly clear that what follows would not have happened were it not for the nearly-fatal amount of caffeine coursing through my veins. Actually, y'know what? It might have happened without the coffee. Who knows? I'm crazy as shit, y'all.

"Ummmmm, I'd like a short Americano, and I think I'll have a slice of that Gingerbread-bread," he replied.

I swear to you, I felt like I was out of my own body, watching a grin take my mouth as I said, "You want some Gingerbread-bread? You want some Ginger-ginger-gingerbread-bread? You want some Bread-ginger-bread-ginger-ginger-ginger-bread-ginger-"

And I just kept going! I couldn't stop!! I was standing there watching myself do this for, like, at least 45 seconds, which is a really long time if you count it out. And I watched him, visibly uncomfortable, but with no idea what to do. What do you do? When your only mistake was getting in the wrong line at Starbucks, and clearly this woman is batshit crazy, and you have not even had your coffee yet?

"Ginger-bread-bread-bread-ginger-ginger-bread?"Finally it seemed to be over. I paused. "And a short Americano?"

He nodded meekly, and did not make eye contact as I wrote his order on a cup, told him his total, accepted his cash and gave him change. And I only ever saw him in that Starbucks one more time. It was awkward. But maybe he started going somewhere better for his coffee. Maybe a Caffe Ladro! Or maybe he gave up coffee entirely. Christ, I hope not. Probably he just started going to the Starbucks on the other side of the street.

Le Creuset

It wasn't long ago (think two weeks ago) that I couldn't say the phrase Dutch Oven without cracking up. Not that I support farting under blankets and forcing your loved ones to suffer in the odors. I just think it's funny. But now, I can't stop thinking about dutch ovens. the kitchen kind, not the fart kind.


I want a Le Creuset oven so bad it hurts. They come in a million great colors (I've got my heart set on Kiwi Green, as above), they last for-fucking-ever, and you can do loads of cool shit with them. You can bake bread in them, for God's sake. And!! Le Creuset is French, making it a French oven, so I won't think about gastrointestinal torture methods while I'm braising a delicious lamb shank or whatever. Bingo!!

Do any of you guys have dutch/french ovens? What do you make with them? Is it totally delicious? I want to know all about it.

Hobosexual

Viggo Mortenesen looks like a hobo.



I use a picture of him looking a little schmancy to illustrate that he doesn't look homeless the way, say, the Olsen Twins used to look homeless. By which I mean actually dressing as though one is homeless. No. What I'm talking about here is more a hobo-ness of the soul. Look into his eyes. Those, my friends, are the eyes of a hobo. I see the same thing in Colin Farrell.



Colin Farrell is definitely a hobo, he just happens to have a lucrative job. These men's status as sex-symbols really bothers me, as it points out that women are gross, because both of those men are basically Gary Busey, as far as I'm concerned.



p.s. In researching this post I discovered a fascinating (fascinating!!) fact about Daniel Day Lewis. From his Wikipedia article:

Following The Boxer, Daniel Day-Lewis took a leave of absence from acting by putting himself into "semi-retirement" and returning to his old passion of woodworking. He moved to Florence, Italy, where he became intrigued by the craft of shoemaking, eventually apprenticing as a shoemaker for a time while his exact whereabouts and actions were not made publicly known.^[11] While, as a consequence, little of these events are known, it has been rumoured that Day-Lewis, in return for room and board, instructed the master cobbler in acting. It has further been suggested that, following Day-Lewis' departure, the shoemaker took up a career as a traveling Commedia dell'Arte performer—a profession which has seen his earning potential skyrocket. Day-Lewis has refused to comment on the subject, simply stating that "Laurencino [the shoemaker] was a man of many gifts".

I love absolutely everything about the above quote, but my favorite part is that Laurencino the shoemaker is shrouded in mystery.

Zenergize- Liveblog!!

Last weekend I found Zenergize at Whole Foods! (for back-story, go read this.) Shit is expensive, y'all. It was like, 9 bucks for a tube of ten tablets! But I had to find out if it was awesome. I'm curious like a cat. That's why my friends call me Whiskers.

So, in order to fully document the Zenergize experience, I will liveblog all the action startiiiiiing... now!

9:21am- I have opened the Zenergize tube and removed one tablet. I smell the tablet. It smells like peaches. Hopefully it doesn't have too much actual peach in it, as I am allergic to raw fruit. But now that I think about it, there is no way to get a raw peach into a tablet.
9:23am- I have just dropped the tablet into a glass of water. It is fizzing, as was expected. While it dissolves, I will pay attention to the Paula Abdul album I am listening to this morning. Did you know that Paula Abdul is hella Jewish? I just learned that this morning. I read her Wikipedia article.
9:25am- The tablet is almost done dissolving. Are you excited? I am.
9:26am- Still dissolving. What's that adage about the watched tablet?
9:27am- I just read the tube, and it suggests breaking the little fucker in half so it dissolves faster. I wish I'd done that because I am starting to get bored. Paula Abdul's Spellbound is just not as good right now as it was when I was 9. Remember the Rush, Rush video, where she got all Rebel Without a Cause with Keanu Reeves? Speaking of Keanu Reeves, I heard he's dating Parker Posey. that's weird, right?
9:31am- It's finally done dissolving!! that took eight fucking minutes! Okay, I'm gonna take a sip...
9:32am- OH MY GOD IT IS DELICIOUS. more sipping.
9:33am- P. Abdul album has definitely taken a turn for the worse. It's gone all Paul Simon Graceland imperialist African romanticizing bullshit. more sipping.
9:37am- Album almost over. I have decided to listen to The Stooges, but I can't decide which album.
9:38am-I have decided to go with Raw Power.
9:39am- Oh, man, that was a good decision.
9:40am- Zenergize remains delicious and is almost gone.
9:41am- Gone. That was fun. Did I mention that it had caffeine in it? It doesn't say how much, though. I really think beverages should tell you how much caffeine is in them so you can plan accordingly.


Well, that was fun. I'm gonna go eat something delicious. Have a fun day, dudes!

More!!!

10:06am- I. FEEL. AWESOME. The caffeine has kicked in and I think it is kind of a lot dudes.
10:08am- I just got up on my bed and danced like the kid in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. but with less jumping up and down because I have a futon.
10:25- Okay, I am starting to feel a little crazy....CRAZY AWESOME!!!!
10:51- I seem to have leveled out, and feel like a normal human being again.

The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program

I love food. I love thinking about food, I love talking about food. I love eating food, but only slightly more than I love preparing food. I fucking love food. Strange then, that it has only recently occurred to me to try reading about food.

When I got Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential from the library a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any ideas in mind other than reading it, but things took on a life of their own pretty quickly once I remembered that he'd also done a celebrity playlist for Rhapsody, and that it was really good. So I decided that I would listen to this playlist while reading the book. It's not often that books come with their own soundtrack, right? Then I remembered that there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox a couple years back, based on Kitchen Confidential. And hey, what about No Reservations, Bourdain's Eat-My-Way-Around-The-World show?

Thus, The Anthony Bourdain Immersion Program was born.



Dudes, I have been having so much fun. And it's not like I've learned a whole lot of new stuff. Mostly homie has just reminded me to take a few key things seriously.

1. Ingredients
Last Saturday I had one of the best meals of my life, no joke. I sauteed an onion and a few cloves of garlic, threw in some fresh sage, poured white wine over it and after it had reduced to my satisfaction, sopped it up with Pain Campagne from Dahlia Bakery. Crazy simple, but it was completely amazing because every ingredient was quality.

2. Knives
I use one knife for everything, so why not take care of it? I've decided to start sharpening my knife regularly. My buddy Cody works at a knife store in the Market, it's just a matter of getting myself down there for a tutorial. Plus, it looks really fun.

3. The Stooges
Here's that playlist I was talking about.
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Mix
No revelations, but it reminded me that everything is awesome when you are listening to The Stooges. The other day me and Landon were doing the most mundane shit possible (mending pants and filing taxes, respectively) but it felt totally fucking rad, because we were listening to Fun House.

4. Calling Bullshit on Rachael Ray
This was Bourdain's response when asked why he picks on Rachael Ray:
"Well, she can take it. She’s incredibly powerful, very successful, far more loved than I am… so it’s not like I’m hurting her. And on the other hand, she genuinely offends me. I compare her to, the standard I hold her to — foolishly, perhaps– is Julia Child, who wasn’t a professional chef either. When you watched Julia Child, you would see her make Coq au Vin, or some classic French dish, and you’d say “Wow, that’s classic French food, that’s not so difficult. Julia can do it, I can do it. I’m gonna try that.” And it made people aspire to more.

I think when Rachael tells you that it’s perfectly OK to buy a pre-chopped onion from the supermarket… I mean how hard is it to chop an onion? What you take away from Rachael Ray is “I could cook that! I feel better about myself now. I’m not gonna cook that! But I will finish this bag of Cheetos and that gallon jug of Diet Pepsi before dying of diabetes.”

And just to illustrate his point, this video includes a tutorial on how to properly dice an onion: