Tuesday, December 16, 2008

All Creatures Great and Small (are totally fucking crazy)

The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:

Fuck a Unicorn.

I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.

1. Platypus

I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about

2. Koalas!!

I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.

From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.[citation needed] Both sexes possess a cloaca,[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.


3. Giant Squid





Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.

4. Cuttlefish

Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.

Can you do that? I can't do that.


24KGLDFCE said...

"different compartments". because it wasn't complicated enough in there. vaginas are basically a journey to the end of the night.

Chelsea said...

i know, right?!

wait, do they have four ovaries? because that would be way too fucking much. i need to do more research.

Jacob said...

From the wikipedia entry on "Cloaca":

Birds also reproduce with this organ; this is known as a cloacal kiss. Birds that mate using this method touch their cloacae for a only a few seconds, sufficient enough time for sperm to be transferred from the male to the female.[1] The reproductive system must be re-engorged prior to the mating season of each species.

Fucking sick. One of the cute animal blogs I read (and there are many) is about a woman who owns ducks in Seattle, and she's always talking about infected vents and cloaca. Now I know. Repulsive. ALSO:



Chelsea said...

i clicked away from that video as soon as i saw the title. life is hard enough already.

Jamie said...

if you're ever interested in a conversation about animal terrors let me know. i can conversate on that subject for days. fuck interacting with wildlife.

Chelsea said...

god, jamie, you said it.

buy dissertations said...

By the way some museums feature natural-history collections in addition to other collections, such as ones related to history, art and science. Nature centers often include natural-history exhibits too.