Baby, It's Cold Outside

About three days into Snowpocalypse '08: Nanook's Revenge, I was called out into the weather for a social engagement. By which I mean Ryann had me come meet her for coffee four blocks away from my house. It didn't seem that far, so I just threw on a sweater dress with leggings and legwarmers, tossed my coat and a scarf on top and headed out the door. Within two minutes of leaving my apartment I was miserable.



I warmed up pretty well in the coffee shop, but never to the point where I was totally comfortable. And then, in walked an object lesson.



A child!! (Not those specific children. I had to Google image search "bundled up", which is hella fun, by the way. But you get the point.) "Why," I asked myself, "did I not dress up like that?" The kid was covered from head to toe. Sweater, heavy coat, tough jeans, weather-appropraite boots, goofy little hat, gloves. The whole shebang! And it hit me! I need to bundle myself up as though I were my own mother! I don't know why this never occurred to me before. I am constantly momming everyone around me, offering them multivitamins and telling them they should get more sleep and when are they gonna bring me some grandbabies, etc. But momming myself! This is new.

Yesterday I made my first attempt at actualizing this concept. I donned thick tights, two pairs of tall socks, one pair of footie socks, jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, two sweaters, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, and huge rubber rainboots. And somehow the outfit even looked kind of chic, in a no visible flesh, New England-y kind of way. I was into it. So off I went, into this world of ice and snow, full of optimism.

And then came the heartbreak.

Seriously, you guys, I had barely made it across the street before I realized that my so-called "rain boots" had totally sprung a fucking leak and my feet were so wet and so cold and I had to go back home and try again.

I'm still a little upset. Give me a second.

Ugh.

Okay. So, now I'm thinking, "Wait a fucking second, I live in Seattle. How can I not have a functioning pair of rain boots? Because nothing else matters if my feet are wet, I don't care how warm the rest of me is. I need rain boots." But! I am still totally housebound, dudes!! Consequently, for the time being I am limited to internet shopping. I found some really great boots, though. Check 'em out.

1. Kind of Expensive, but Probably Worth It.



I could see myself wearing these boots pretty much every day until the weather clears up in like, mid-July. But I could also see myself getting bored because they are a little staid. So I found some more adventurous models.

2. Pucci!! Pucci!! Pucci!!

These boots are ridiculous and I love it. Plus I feel like they go really well with my imaginary dog, Miss J. Alexander.

Cute together, right?

3.I Am Not Sure If I Like These At All


But they seem sensible, or something. Y'know what? Fuck these boots. They remind me of a lady I used to work with at Starbucks that was really into those "Shopaholic" books. Gag me, right?

4. Yes, Please!

I was going to say that these are for when my inner eight year old girl comes out, and that you'd be surprised how frequently that occurs, but then I realized that if you are reading this you probably have a pretty good handle on that, in all actuality.

5. Also For The Eight-Year-Old

F! U! N! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you wanna eat them? It's like a bag of jelly beans decided to band together to protect your feet from the elements.

Then He Should Have Armed Himself

I just watched The Strangers and I have a theory. People talk about how black folks yell at the screen during horror movies. I think I might know why: When one lives in a crap neighborhood, and has to get used to the idea that someone may attack you for one reason or another at any given time, one starts figuring out ways to deal with this and behaves accordingly. So then, when that person is watching a movie where the main characters keep doing everything the opposite way one should in order to stay alive, it gets frustrating. Thus the yelling.

Because horror movie protagonists are usually middle class whites who do not live under constant threat, it would seem that they have not developed these skills. I would like to offer them some tips.
For example:
1. If you think someone is even possibly trying to kill you, DO NOT put down your weapon. EVER.
2. The person who is trying to kill you might not come from the direction you are facing. So LOOK IN OTHER DIRECTIONS. If it is dark out and I am walking even just from the end of the block to my apartment building, I do a quick spin to see what is going on IN ALL DIRECTIONS at least every five seconds. I probably look crazy, but I am crazy and alive, so fuck it.
3. If you have the option of not being alone, DO NOT BE ALONE. In other words, don't split up. You will die, I promise.
4. If you find a gun, start shooting. Don't wait for something crazy to happen, just start shooting. Jesus.

Okay. I feel better now. That movie really tried my patience.



UR DOING IT WRONG

All Creatures Great and Small (are totally fucking crazy)

The Museum of Natural History is basically the best place I have ever been in my life. It's full of wonder and learning and taxidermy. Beat that. When we visited it last month I learned more in that 2 hours than I had in months. It was amazing. I also had an important revelation, which was this:

Fuck a Unicorn.

I see no reason to get excited over some mythical-ass bullshit, when there are so many unbelievable creatures that actually exist. Below, I share some of my favorites.


1. Platypus



I already knew platypus were cool, what with the webbed feet and crazy nose. And it's pretty sweet that they're they only egg-laying mammals. But did you know that these little weirdos were venomous? That is just crazy. They can't kill a human, but they will fuck your ass up for weeks, if not months. Also!! (and this is where my mind was thoroughly and irreparably blown) they hunt by electroreception, which means that they sense electric fields caused by muscle contractions!! Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

What is up with Australia? That island is fraught with difficulties and super-weirdness. Hey, while we're on the subject of Australia's endless bananas-ness, let's talk about

2. Koalas!!



I have long thought of the koala as my spirit animal. We have a lot in common. Slow metabolism, penchant for long naps, beloved of children, and we both harbor really bad tempers behind our fuzzy exteriors. But I, unlike a koala, only have one vagina.

From Wikipedia: Females have two vaginas, both of which open externally through one orifice but lead to different compartments within the uterus. Males generally have a two-pronged penis, which corresponds to the females' two vaginae.^[3] The penis is used only for discharging semen into females, and is separate from the urinary tract.^{[citation needed]} Both sexes possess a cloaca,^[3] which is connected to a urogenital sac used to store waste before expulsion.

Okay!

3. Giant Squid

HELL.



TO.


THE.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Oh my god, you guys. I hate the ocean so much. And y'know what? Clearly the ocean hates us, too. As Lindsay put it, "Waves are there to physically push you out of the ocean." And that is just fine by me. I know where I'm not welcome.

4. Cuttlefish

Best animal ever. Just watch the damn-ass video.



Can you do that? I can't do that.

Kanye, So Blue

Last night, while watching the video for Kanye West's Heartless I had a realization-

If you could cook down an album the same way you do a liquid, Kanye's latest album "808s and Heartbreaks" could be, after simmering in a pot for an hour or so, reduced to this:

real talk.

Gucci!?

Frida Giannini, I am calling you out.



Pull. It. Together.



What is going on over there?

I don't care if this is for charity, it is still shit. We're in straight-up Ed Hardy territory here, and that is just gross.



Blech!!

What I'm Into Right Now, pt. 6

You know the drill. Let's do this!

1.GroBall



I am an infamous killer of plants. In the last few years, I have killed a coleus plant (his name was Ebenezer), a rosemary (Buddy), some other plants I didn't bother to name, and even seriously endangered a Jade plant, which is basically impossible. I've tried everything, from plant food to singing the inanimate little fuckers showtunes, but to no avail. The only exception is my tiny mint plant, Minty, who has seemed to die and then come back tinier than ever no less than four times. That dude is a phoenix.

My mom says I am a terrible gardener because I'm too self-absorbed to keep plants alive, to which I say:
1. That's cold, Mom. Cold.
2. You're probably right.
3. The real problem here is that plants are silent. If they would just make a noise when they want something, I would be more than happy to help them. Help me help you, is what I'm saying.

I give up. But maybe there is a technology that can help me!


GroBalls!

Wow, I just realized how funny that name is. That explains why they haven't really taken off the way they should. Carrying on.

GroBalls are pots that water the plant for you. And they come in cute colors. Okay? I can't think of anything else to say right now, that name is way too distracting.

2. Lunchbox Laboratory



Holy shit, you guys. This place is so serious. Me and the dude went there last night. They close at 5, and we got there at 5:02, but lucky for us, the owner/chef, Scott Simpson is totally dedicated to getting a burger into your mouth and let us order for take-out. The menu is totally overwhelming. Observe:



If you choose to build your own burger, that is the mess you have to tangle with. Not wanting to try our luck, we ordered one of the "experiments", or pre-designed burgers. It happened so fast, I can't remember what it was called, but it was their beef patty, which is like 5 different meats mixed together, goat cheese, and carmelized balsamic onions.

IT. WAS. INCREDIBLE. Words can't even come close.

As the dude put it, "This burger tastes how blowjobs feel."

3.My new headphones

With these headphones I can hear things I've never heard before in music I've listened to a thousand times. I feel like any other headphones I've used in the past were disrespectful to the people who make my favorite music. Don't worry, I already sent the RZA a letter of apology.

4.Girl Talk's Feed The Animals



So, I knew I would have problems getting my ass to New York in the first place, but I didn't realize that once I got there, brand new problems would present themselves in the form of the Subway System. Them shits were like an anxiety supergroup! It's above ground! It's below ground! It goes under a fucking river! Dudes. All it needed was some snakes and an Ebola outbreak and it would have encompassed every single irrational fear I have ever had. But I had a secret weapon. Girl Talk.



Thanks, buddy!!

When I listen to Girl Talk, my brain is too busy following all the samples (300 on this particular album) to freak out about some nonsense. So now I just listen to it all the time. I'm listening to it right now.

5. This picture



Ha! Have fun dudes!!

Radio, Radio

No matter how much I tweak my Pandora Bell Biv Devoe station, they keep trying to sneak in some Taylor Dayne, who I have hated relentlessly since I was eight. I give her songs a thumbs down every time, and it just keeps happening. "Are you sure you hate Taylor Dayne?" they seem to ask. "What about this song?" That they won't let you ban an artist's entire catalog from a station is not the only problem I have with Pandora, but you see my point.

Pandora is not without its charms. It's fun to see the elements they've broken a song into. Like this:

Artist: Make-Up
Song: Black Wire Pt. 1
electric rock instrumentation
punk influences
repetitive melodic phrasing
extensive vamping

One thing I have learned from the program is that I apparently love a lot of music that contains "extensive vamping" (how do they decide whether it is extensive or not? who makes that call?). Either that, or they are just way too liberal with the term "extensive vamping."

Y'know what it is? it's the same kind of thinking that leads to shit like The Pick-up Artist. With something as human as music (or, um, humans) it simply can't be broken down into a formula. Also I hate robots.


So this got me thinking about music I really, really love, which got me thinking about songs that are so good I am bummed out that I didn't write them because then I would never feel pressure to do anything ever again. This led to me making a playlist of such songs, which I have shared a link to below. It's not complete, but it's most of them. Give it a listen, and tell me what songs you wish you had written in the comments.


My Rhapsody Playlist

Is it just me, or is this video extraordinarily homoerotic?




I just feel like if I were kickin' it with these dudes, presumably all tarted up, and they were ignoring me in favor of spraying each other with champagne, I would just get up and go home. It is starting to make more and more sense that these are the dudes behind "No Homo". *

While we're on the subject of Dipset, (which, honestly, I wish we weren't, but I gotta get this out)were you aware that they had released another** Christmas album? Technically, it's "Jim Jones and Skull Gang present", but that's still Dipset to me. And this one doesn't even have a "We Fly High" so people will maybe buy it. Straight Christmas raps, for like an hour.

One! Last! Thing! Have you ever noticed that Jim Jones bears a striking resemblance to Sir Mix-A-Lot?




I just want you to know that getting that picture of J. Jones was not easy for me. I know Cam's the one with IBS, but looking at Jim Jones makes my gastrointestinal tract feel weird. That Halfrican is greazy.


*Personally, I am big fan of "Yes Homo", which is what I say when I definitely mean something in a homosexual manner. Like, "Amy, your tits look awesome today, yes homo." Try it, it's fun and promotes acceptance.

** That's right. There are multiple Dipset Christmas albums in this world.

Cornel West, Style Icon

Cornel West, philosopher, scholar, pastor, all-around really busy person, has something to teach you that has nothing to do with race, religion or politics. Observe:

Here he is being adorable before dinner



With some lovely peeps at some sort of mixer:







Gesticulating.




Thinking...



Thinking really hard...



Y'know what he's not thinking about? What to wear. Because he wears the exact same thing every day. If it's cold, he wears a scarf.



If it's warm, he takes it off.



Especially if he is spitting hot fire. (Perhaps for this? Trust me, buddy, you really wanna check out that link.)

This has inspired me! I'm saying, fuck a wardrobe. I want a uniform. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get dressed every day? Sometimes it takes, like, 45 minutes! It is fucked up. Too much of my mental real estate is taken up by this daily struggle.

So. With some help from Polyvore, I have created a mock-up of my new uniform.


uniform by roxy5moxy

I will be wearing this (or at least something that closely resembles this outfit) from here on out, or until I get bored. I'm wearing it right now! We'll see if I get me any smarter as a result.

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

T.J. Cowgill is the father of some of my all-time favorite brain-babies.



Not only did he front one of my favorite bands (Teen Cthulhu, R.I.P.), and another band I really like (Book Of Black Earth, still alive), but he is also the dude behind Actual Pain, makers of rad t-shirts and apparel.


I am not sure what is going on in that second one but I like it.

And if that isn't enough for you, the Actual Pain website has excellent mixtapes that you can download for free. It's like a one-stop awesome shop. He should sponsor me. Hey T.J.! Are you reading this? Give me t-shirts.

Or, I guess I could just go to this and buy stuff for cheap.


Tidbit: One time, like four years ago, I ran into T.J. at a bar and he told me he was interested in rapping. Then he rapped at me for like 5 minutes about witches and wolves and shit. That dude is nothing if not consistent.

Magic Potion

Season changes are the worst, man. Yeah, there's the whole promise-of-a-new-day, Paula Abdul-y thing. And, sure, the leaves are all beautiful and shit. But it is really hard to enjoy all of that when I feel like a turd on a cracker.

(I considered including an image of fake poop here, but that would be super gross and I like you too much to put you through that. So, you're welcome, I guess.)

I felt bad, dudes. Just sluggish and forgetful and gross. Plus, I had developed one giant zit right on top of my cheekbone. I normally have devastatingly clear skin, so this was quite a blow to my self-image. I felt like I had been eating pizza every day for weeks without the actual fun of eating pizza. God, I love pizza.



And then I remembered that I had decided to attempt some health-nutting. This created an awesome convergence of motivators (vanity, internet promises, distaste for physical exertion) that happened to coincide with a paycheck, leading me to this solution.



This shit got me high, y'all. I knew anti-oxidants were good for you, but I had no idea they would make me feel like I just got back from a yoga retreat where I won a Nobel Prize and married Rahm Emanuel. I felt so good it was weirding people out. Sometimes you really can buy your way out of a problem!



True dat!

Remember when I said I didn't want to smell like Erykah Badu? Well, apparently I spoke too soon.



I am in love with Tom Ford White Patchouli. Now, I already hear your questions, and I will address them immediately.

Q-Doesn't Tom Ford make perfume that smells like a man's nether-regions?
A- Tom Ford only makes one perfume that smells like balls and this is not it. So there. He also has a fragrance that supposedly smells like cocaine. Tom Ford is a weird dude. In order to find the link used above I had to google "tom ford balls." It turned up 535,000 hits.

Before I committed to buying this perfume, I was talking to Keehnan about my concerns. "Tom Ford is tricky," I said. "What if it secretly smells like vagina?"

"Don't worry," he replied. "Tom Ford does not know what a vagina smells like."



He's probably right.

Q- Patchouli??? Really??
A- I know. I know. But, you guys, it only smells a little like patchouli. It's not gross, I promise.

Q- So, what does it smell like, then?
A- When I was buying it, I got into a conversation with the perfume lady at Nordstrom about why most perfumes start out smelling great on me, but by the end of the day I smell super-sweet. Like a walking Pixi Stick. It's gross. The lady said it's just a matter of personal chemistry. So as much as I might love a scent it may simply be incompatible with my body, and there's nothing I can do about it. White Patchouli, on the other hand, gets more spicy and woodsy as it combines with my chemistry. I had a coworker sniff me about it yesterday and she said I smelled like a sexy man. She's right, but that assessment is incomplete. I don't just smell like any old Sexy Man. I smell like Don Draper.



And it is awesome.

All I Want for Christmas

While I was in New York last week I was made aware (via the soundsystem in a Dunkin Donuts in Alphabet City (it's a long story)) that Christmas is lurking around the corner. So I figured we should talk about my favorite part of Christmas: you buying me stuff. Here we go!

1. Kindle
When I was a kid I was really into Star Trek: The Next Generation for, like, a billion reasons, but I hated Wesley Crusher so much that sometimes I couldn't watch.



That smug little fucker. I've recently realized, though, that while Wesley Crusher is annoying (he is to ST:TNG what Dawn is to Buffy The Vampire Slayer), I was mostly just jealous. Not because he lived in space or because he was within touching distance of Commander Riker (I know, I know. My grossness knows no bounds), but because he had a Kindle.





See? Same shit. Admittedly, Wesley's is flashier, but that's fine by me. I'm not trying to compensate for anything.



That's right, space bitch, I called you out.

There's a dude who rides my bus in the morning that has a Kindle and it's all I can do to keep from snatching it out of his hands, I want one so bad. Because seriously, I will wreck the shit out of a book. You should see my copy of Anna Karenina. It is shameful, what I did to that volume. So buy me a Kindle. Make me as happy as this guy.



2. Muppets



This is probably old news to you, but FAO Schwartz will make you a Muppet. Or at least they would, until everyone ordered them at the same time, because it is the best idea ever. So keep refreshing that page until they are making them again and get me a Muppet. Please.

3. Karl Lagerfeld Coffee Mug

I'm pretty sure Uncle Karl cease-and-desisted the shit out of this little gem, but you're creative. You can find me one, can't you?

4. Missbehave Magazine


I picked up this issue on my way to work because I was bored and I like bright colors. Then I opened it up and there was a big ol' feature on Mindy Kaling. That is all I need. I'm sold. I want a subscription.


5. 15 minutes



That is all.