Last night I watched The Broken Giant, the most boring movie of all time. I got it because it was Will Arnett's only dramatic film on Netflix, and history has shown that when comedians do drama, it tends to be pretty durn good (see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Stranger Than Fiction, Punch-Drunk Love, etc). Guess I found the exception that proves the rule. Every single scene had the exact same dialogue.
1- "How are you?"
2- "I'm fine."
1- "Where have you been?"
2- "Went for a walk."
1- "Where to?"
2- "The woods."
1- "I think that girl should leave soon."
2- "She's not ready yet."
OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR A FUCKING HOUR. In the last twenty minutes there was some illicit sex and a pointless murder, but by then it was too g.d. late. Will Arnett didn't move his face the entire time.
Stop making that face at me!!
The most exciting part was when I realized that the lead-ish actress was the victim in Silence of The Lambs. I pointed at the screen and yelled, "It puts the lotion in the basket! It puts the lotion in the basket!" Ugh. I just read Will Arnett's Wikipedia article and apparently, he "never considered himself a comic" and considers himself an "actor first." Really, Will Arnett? Really? I am just so upset with him right now.
Anyway, this led to me dreaming that I was stuck at a bar (I think it was Chapel) talking to an incredibly boring girl who only answered my questions in monosyllables. But then, just as I thought I was so bored that I would never be happy again and I might as well just die (Dream Chelsea is even more melodramatic than Real Chelsea) Prince materialized through a set of gauzy white drapes and launched into Purple Rain! Then he winked at me, and I looked down to see that he had tattooed me with his eyes, leaving a purple raindrop on my wrist about the size of a grain of rice.
I think I might actually get the tattoo. Why not, right? It's super-tiny and would serve as a constant reminder that no matter how bored I am, at least I'm not watching The Broken Giant anymore. And in the unlikely event that someone notices it and asks me about it, I can say, "Prince gave it to me in a dream," and smile cryptically. Similarly to this, but without the goofy hat:
Man, I gotta start wearing more eyeliner.